Gladiator
by Anasazi Darkmoon
Summary: People from the worlds of Soul Calibur, YuGiOh!, and Final Fantasies 7, 8, and 10 have been kidnapped by the evil wizard Katz. Why were they kidnapped, and how will they escape? Read and you might find out. Rated R for language, among other things.
1. Kidnappings

I don't own any of the characters, except for the OC's, so no one can sue me for copyright infringement. Also, I haven't really seen too many of the new episodes of "Yu-Gi-Oh!", so Kaiba will still be wearing the black outfit with the crazy white vest. This is my first attempt at a humorous fanfic, so while I will appreciate any helpful tips, please DO NOT flame me. Okay, let's get started, shall we?

Chapter 1: Kidnappings

A sinister force brooded in the darkness. "Soon," he said to himself, his voice deep and booming. "Soon, the first phase of my brilliant plan will unfold, and no one will be able to stop it! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Suddenly, a nagging female voice rang out from the next room, screaming, "Katz! I thought I told you to go to bed!"

"Aw, Mom!" the first voice became high-pitched and slightly nasal. "I'm thirty-five years old, mother! I should be allowed to stay up later than eight o'clock!"

"Katz, if I have to come in there, you're going to get a spanking!" his mother replied.

"Yes, mother…" he muttered, ignoring her orders and turning his attention back to his dark plans.

…

In the Gaea Crater, a blue-eyed man with spiky blond hair did battle with a tall, slender man with silver hair and cat-pupiled green eyes. The two men's swords, one a huge crystal blade of impossible size, the other an eight-foot katana, clashed against each other and sent sparks flying into the darkness. "Your skill has improved, I see," the silver haired man sneered, "But it isn't enough to defeat me, Cloud!"

"Oh, shut up Sephiroth!" the blond man shouted.

Whatever else he might have said was cut off as a pair of flying monkeys in red fezzes swooped down on the battling swordsmen from above, and carried them off into the sky. A third monkey, who was carrying a dark-haired man in a red cloak, soon joined them. Cloud tried to yell something at the new man, but his winged captor pressed an odd-smelling rag to his face, and he quickly lost consciousness.

…

On the continent of Centra, a dark-haired young man named Squall Leonheart suppressed the urge to strangle his bouncy, blond-haired companion. "For the last time, Zell; no, Edea is NOT going to have hot dogs at her cookout!"

"But WHY?" Zell whined, absentmindedly scratching at the tattoo on the left side of his face. "If it's a cook-out, then there should be hot dogs."

Another young man, one with orange hair and a gray trench coat, arrived and said, "Chicken-wuss, you need to stop thinking with your damn stomach!"

"Leave him alone, Seifer. We don't have time for…" Squall's complaint was cut off as he vanished in a puff of bright pink smoke.

"Squall? Seifer, what did you do?" Zell demanded, turning on the taller boy with fury.

"Me? Why the hell is it always my fault?" Seifer yelled

The two arguing teenagers also vanished in puffs of pink smoke, leaving their companions to wonder what happened.

…

It was raining in Domino City, and Joey Wheeler was feeling a little stir-crazy. "Man, I am SO bored!" he yawned as he glumly stared out the hospital window.

"We don't care if you're bored, Wheeler!" Seto Kaiba growled at him. "I'm tired of hearing you whimper like a little dog, so just do all of us a favor and shut up!"

Yugi Mutoh nervously ran his fingers through his multicolored hair and said, "Come on, you guys! I know that you don't want to be here, but we all promised that we would wait while the doctors separated Tristan and Mokuba, so we need to just settle down."

"What I don't get is how those two ended up glued together like that," Yami replied, taking over Yugi's body. "I mean, who in the world would leave an open bucket of Crazy Glue lying on top of a rickety shelf?"

Kaiba muttered something under his breath about multiple personality disorders, while Joey chuckled nervously and said, "Um, Yugi? That was me."

Yami's eyes went wide as his blond friend slowly turned around and saw Kaiba's enraged look. "And I suppose the bag of feathers was your idea, too?" The hacker held up a pillowcase full of chicken feathers. Joey's face paled, and the only thing he could say was, "Whoops!"

Before anyone could do anything, however, another trio of flying monkeys smashed through the hospital window and grabbed Yugi, Joey, and Kaiba, just as Tristan and Mokuba came out of the ER. They, along with the entire staff on that floor, stared in amazement as the creepy primates carried off the three duelists.

…

In the Farplane, St. Peter gave a long-suffering sigh as Seymour Guado made his complaint for what had to be the bazillionth time. "I just don't see why Tidus gets to go back to Spira," the maester complained. "He's just a stupid dream, and he's going back to be with my WIFE!"

"Ah, she didn't really want to marry you anyway," Tidus told him, his eyes flashing wickedly. "Who could blame her? Your coat is attached to your nipples, and you have handlebars growing out the sides of your head, for cryin' out loud! Did you grow those so Mika would have something to hold onto while you were 'entertaining' him?"

"No, but your mother seemed to like pulling them while I was tapping her," Seymour retorted, a vicious sneer on his face.

"ENOUGH!" roared St. Peter, his face turning red. "Tidus, you get to go back, so just shut up already. Seymour, you're lucky that the Farplane doesn't have a Hell, otherwise I'd ship your ass there for all the shit you've pulled!"

Just then, Auron strolled up, along with Jecht and Braska. The guardian and the summoner were listening to the blitz star's joke with some amusement. "So, anyway, the nun tells the barkeeper…" he stopped and looked at Tidus. "Are you STILL here, boy? I thought that you were going back to find Yuna."

Before Tidus could reply, a black hole opened up in the floor and sucked him up, along with Seymour and Auron. After the hole disappeared, Jecht yelled, "Holy shit! What just happened?"

St. Peter let out a sigh of relief, and Braska looked up at him and said, "Aren't you a little worried about what just happened?"

The saint replied, "Are you out of your mind? I'm fucking stoked that I don't have to listen to Seymour's whining anymore!"

…

On a distant mountaintop, three warriors prepared to engage in battle with one another. One was an Asian monk dressed in red, and he was armed with a long scarlet pole. The second man was a samurai with hair that stuck out in a weird spray behind his head, and he carried a katana. The third man appeared to be a knight, but his torso was bare, and his right arm looked like it belonged to a demon. He pushed his long golden hair out of his face, and pointed his one-eyed sword at his two pursuers.

"Go away, you fools! Soul Edge belongs to me!" the weird knight snarled.

The monk looked at him sadly and said, "No, Nightmare, it's the other way around. If we don't destroy that sword, then it will consume you!"

"We can't destroy it!" the samurai yelled. "Kilik, you must be out of your mind if you think that I'll just let you have it. How do I know you don't just want it for yourself?"

Nightmare lashed at both of them with the Soul Edge and said, "Neither one of you are getting this sword because it belongs to ME!"

Kilik the Monk looked appalled. "Oh, come on, now you're both being childish! Mitsurugi, Nightmare, the sword is bad, and it needs to be destroyed…"

"Nightmare started it!" the samurai accused. "He's the one who's trying to kill everyone, so I shouldn't get in trouble."

"Oh, yeah?" the dark knight sneered. "Well, you sure as hell weren't going to have any tea parties with it. You tried to take it from me, so YOU started it, Mitsurugi!"

"Did not!"

"Uh, huh!"

Things continued in that vein for a while, but Kilik finally lost all patience with them. "STOP! I don't care which one of you started it, but I'm going to finish it! Now, give me that sword, or I'll…"

They never found out what he was going to do, because the three of them were suddenly engulfed a thick white fog that sent them all into a deep sleep.

…

Katz watched the proceedings through the bathroom mirror and cackled, "Yes! The first part of my master plan is complete! Now all I have to do is…"

"God damn it, Katz! I thought I told you to stop playing with yourself in the bathroom!" his mother yelled, banging on the door.

"I'm not playing with myself! I'm reveling in my evil, so if you don't mind, can I have a little privacy?"

"I'd better not come in there and find a mess, do you hear me?"

"Yes, mother," he sighed, deactivating the spell he had cast on the mirror.

Katz left the bathroom and went back to bed, where he continued his triumphant gloating in silence.

Okay, that's the end of chapter 1. I hope that everyone liked it, so review and let me know what you think. I know you're all wondering what Katz could possibly be plotting that would involve all those people, but I can't tell you that, yet. All I can say is that it'll either be funny, stupid as hell, or both of those. Also, I couldn't remember if Kilik was a monk, or a priest, or whatever, so I just picked a job for him.


	2. The World's Stupidest Meeting

Woo-hoo! I already have reviews! Thanks a lot, Chaka and Cyran. So far, I only own Katz and his mother. The flying monkeys are on loan, courtesy of the Wicked Witch of the West, and the Final Fantasy people all belong to Square Enix. Mitsurugi, Kilik, and Nightmare belong to whoever owns the rights to the Soul Calibur games, and the people from "Yu-Gi-Oh!" belong to the person who created them. Well, here's the new chapter.

Chapter 2: The World's Stupidest Meeting

Cloud awoke to a slight headache and a touch of nausea. "What the hell just happened?" he groaned, sitting up and shaking his head.

The man in the red cloak held out a gold gauntleted hand and helped him to his feet. "Don't you remember, Cloud? We were kidnapped by a pack of flying monkeys."

"So it WAS you, Vincent!" the spiky-haired man said, a smile appearing on his face. "I thought I recognized those pointy boots and red cape. So, why have we been kidnapped?"

"Vampire Boy doesn't know, you pinhead!" Sephiroth sulked.

"I'm not a vampire!" Vincent admonished.

The silver haired villain dismissively waved his hand and continued to speak. "Anyway, he doesn't know, and I don't see why I have to be kidnapped along with you two. I'm the bad guy, and everyone knows that the bad guy isn't supposed to be kidnapped; especially not by flying monkeys!"

Just then, Yugi, Kaiba, and Joey walked up to them. "Hey, you guys got kidnapped by flying monkeys, too, huh?" Joey asked, smiling broadly at Cloud and Vincent.

Meanwhile, Yugi gave a friendly smile to Sephiroth, and said, "Hi, my name's Yugi, and these are my friends Joey and Kaiba."

"You shouldn't be so free with the word 'friend', Yugi," Kaiba growled, keeping his distance.

Sephiroth just gaped at the tiny duelist's wild hair and burst into gales of laughter.

"Hey, what's so funny? Is there something on my face?" Yugi wanted to know.

"Oh, it's nothing," the one-winged angel replied, quickly composing himself. "Anyway, I'm Sephiroth, and my two companions are called Pinhead and Vampire Boy."

"I'm not a vampire!" Vincent shouted again, while Joey touched one of Cloud's spikes.

"Hey, how many bottles of mousse do you use to get your hair to do that, Pinhead?" Joey wanted to know.

"I use five bottles every day, and my name is Cloud, not Pinhead!" the ex-experiment snapped.

"But Sephiroth said…" Yugi began.

"Sephiroth is the bad guy, so he's a pathological liar," Vincent told him.

Suddenly, a black hole opened up in the skies above, and Auron, Tidus, and Seymour fell on top of the group. "Vincent, get your claws off of my ass!" Sephiroth groaned, trying to get out from under whoever was lying on his back.

"That's not me," the gunman replied, shoving Yugi off his legs.

"Then who the fuck is touching my ass?"

"That would be me," Seymour informed him, rolling onto the floor.

Everyone got to their feet, and Kaiba stared coldly at the newcomers. "So who the hell are you three supposed to be?"

Seymour carefully dusted himself off and said, "I am Seymour Guado, and…"

"Your name is Seymour Guano?" Cloud snickered.

"Guado! My name is Seymour Guado, and I am THE greatest villain of all time!" he informed them.

"No, you're not!" Tidus yelled, slapping the maester in the back of the head. "You're the greatest fagot of all time! You sucked at being a villain when you were alive and you suck at it now that you're dead, Handlebar-Head!"

"Shut up, you stupid dream!" he shouted, shoving the blitzball player.

"ENOUGH!" Auron roared, startling everyone into silence. "This is not the time to argue, so all of you need to be quiet."

"I don't take orders from you, old man!" Kaiba belligerently replied.

Tidus gave the hacker a wide-eyed look of disbelief. "Dude, are you out of your mind?"

"Kaiba, don't you think that you should apologize?" Yugi asked, slightly worried.

Kaiba stubbornly shook his head and glared at Auron. "I'm not afraid of some stiff-necked Cyclops with a fancy sword! You hear that, old man. I'm not afraid of you!"

The swordsman raised an eyebrow at that. "Don't fuck with me, kid," he told him in a neutral tone. "You won't like the results."

Seymour grinned and said, "Go ahead, Kaiba. He's an old dead man, so you shouldn't have any problems with him."

Suddenly Sephiroth pushed his way to the front and gave Auron a big, vapid grin. "Ooh, zombies!" he happily shrieked, poking the guardian's cheek. "Poke."

Everyone stared incredulously as the villain continued to probe Auron's face. "I think that Sephiroth has finally lost it," Joey said, his eyes haunted by the odd sight.

Vincent shook his head and replied, "Sephiroth never had it to begin with, so there's nothing there for him to lose."

Finally, Auron lost his patience and he shoved the One-Winged Angel. "Stop touching me, you weirdo!"

Sephiroth muttered something under his breath, and Cloud looked at Tidus and Auron. "So we've already been introduced to Seymour, but we don't know your names yet."

More introductions were made, and Tidus tapped the sulking Sephiroth on the shoulder. "Hey, if you're into dead people, then I thought you should know that Handlebar Head is dead, too."

"Really?"

The blitz star nodded, and the silver haired villain hopped to his feet and immediately started pulling Seymour's hair sprigs, screaming, "Zombie Fruits!"

"Hey, that feels good!" the Guado replied, grinning at Sephiroth. "Do it again, please!"

Everyone, including Sephiroth, quickly backed away, just as a puff of white smoke appeared and dropped Nightmare, Kilik, and Mitsurugi unconscious on the ground. Right after that, a pink light flashed and Squall, Seifer, and Zell appeared, looking quite confused. "Oh great!" Yugi said excitedly. "More people to talk to!"

"Somehow, I don't think that these people are going to be any saner than anyone else in here," Vincent predicted.

"Chicken-wuss this is all your fault!" Seifer yelled.

"How's it my fault?" Zell wanted to know. "I can't help it if you're a big dork!"

"I'm not a dork! It's your fault that we've been…"

He trailed off when he noticed that Sephiroth, Cloud, and Vincent were staring at him. "What the hell is wrong with you three?" he demanded.

"Rufus?" Cloud asked, poking Seifer in the shoulder.

"How did you survive the destruction of the Shinra building?" Vincent was astonished.

"Shinra? Rufus? Look, you creeps, I don't know what nuthouse you escaped from, but my name is Seifer!"

"Ooh, Zombie Amnesiac!" Sephiroth cried, touching Seifer's forehead, "Poke."

"I'm not a zombie, you fucking necro!" the orange haired boy yelled, pointing the Hyperion gunblade at him. "All of you leave me alone, or I'll…"

Just then, Nightmare and Mitsurugi woke up and started fighting again. "Uncle Kilik, Nightmare hit me!" the samurai whined.

"No I didn't, you hit yourself!" Nightmare growled, shaking his head in denial. "You're just trying to get me in trouble, you big stupid-head!"

The two warriors continued to argue, and Yugi tapped Kilik on the shoulder and asked, "Are those two okay?"

The monk looked down at the tiny duelist with sad eyes and said, "No, they're not."

"What happened to them?" Squall inquired as the knight and the samurai engaged in a girly slapping contest.

"Long story short: Acid laced brownies and butt-naked zombie pirates doing the Macarena don't mix," Kilik replied with a sigh. "It happened at our last Soul Calibur Christmas party, and their minds have been stuck in childhood ever since. Although why I was volunteered to keep an eye on them is beyond me!"

Nightmare and Mitsurugi stopped fighting and caught the monk in a crushing group hug. "Aw, we love you, Uncle Kilik!" they said in unison.

Vincent finally grew disgusted with everything and shouted, "Does anyone besides me give a damn about finding out where the hell we are?"

"He's right," Auron agreed. "We need to find a way out of here, and everyone fighting each other is not going to help matters."

"Well, do you or Vampire Boy have any bright ideas?" Joey asked, not realizing that he had just mistakenly called Vincent by the wrong name.

"For the last time," the ex-Turk fumed, "I…am not…a motherfucking… VAMPIRE!"

…

Katz watched his captives fight through the bathroom mirror, smacked his forehead, and groaned, "Oh, shit! They aren't supposed to be fighting now!"

"Katz!" his mother yelled, "Watch your fucking mouth, young man!"

"Leave me alone, you hypocritical old hag," he muttered.

"What was that?" she shrieked.

"Nothing, Mother," he called, hurrying to the front door.

"Where are you going, Katz?" she demanded.

"I'm going out to fix my evil plot, so I'm not going to be back for a while!"

"I'd better not have to bail you out of jail for exposing yourself in public again, do you hear me?"

"Yes, Mother."

The "evil" wizard left his house, got on his flying vacuum cleaner, and flew off toward the place where his captives were held, thinking, _"I didn't know that those guys were going to be that damn stupid! Oh well, at least things will be more interesting this way!"_

That's it for chapter 2. If you've managed to survive it, then review and let me know what you think. By the way: I write this as it pops up in my head, so with the exception of Seymour being gay, I don't really think that this is really how they would all react to each other. Thank you for your time.


	3. Lucky Number Sixteen

Thanks Cyran! I really appreciate the reviews. As you all already know, I only own Katz and his mother. All right, let's get on with the new chapter.

Chapter 3: Lucky Number Sixteen

Katz's vacuum cleaner was running slow, due to a full dust bag, but the "evil" wizard finally made it to his hidden coliseum. He arrived in time to see his captives standing wide-eyed in a circle around Auron, Mitsurugi, and Sephiroth. The three swordsmen were engaged in a heated argument about whose was better. However, Katz was only 4'9", so he couldn't see what it was that the three of them were comparing from his position behind Seifer.

"Mine is the most balanced, so mine is the best," Mitsurugi announced.

"Yours is so tiny that I'm surprised that you can find it without a magnifying glass!" Sephiroth retorted, waving his own around. "Mine is better because it's at least five times longer than yours, little man!"

Auron shook his head in disgust and said, "So what? I've seen toothpicks that weren't as skinny as what you have!"

"Oh, yeah?" Mitsurugi sneered, "Well, where's yours at, huh? I don't see you waving yours around."

The guardian pulled his out and his two rivals' jaws dropped. "Mine's better than both of yours, so you can both shut up!"

"Oh, wow…" Seymour softly said, starry-eyed.

"I am seriously impressed!" Cloud added, saluting Auron.

"Aw, I've seen it plenty of times before, and it's not really a big deal," Tidus said dismissively.

Katz did not like where this conversation was headed, and he shouted, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"

Everyone turned around and stared down at the wizard. Katz was short, squat, and balding, with lurid tangerine robes and squinty brown eyes reminiscent of a rodent. "What the hell is going on?" he repeated, modifying his voice.

When nobody else said anything, Yugi stepped forward and said, "Well, Auron, Sephiroth, and Mitsurugi all found out that they all have a sword called Masamune, and they got into this whole measuring contest. Why, was there something wrong with that?"

Katz shook his head and said, "Never mind, it's not important."

"Hey, wait a minute! Were you…" Zell began.

"Yes?" the wizard asked with an evil smile.

"Were you captured, too?" the martial artist finished.

At that question, Katz fell over and little teardrops popped up over his head. A moment later, he got to his feet, dusted himself off, and gave Zell a baleful look. "No, I haven't been captured. I'm the one who captured you all, and there's nothing you can do about it! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"I wouldn't be so sure of that, if I were you," Vincent told him, pulling out the Death Penalty and pointing it at the wizard's head.

Katz gulped and surrendered, "Okay, okay! There IS something you can do about it, but you'll all be stuck here forever if you kill me."

"Who ARE you?" Kilik asked, keeping his staff in an attacking stance. "And why have you kidnapped us?"

"I'm so glad you asked," the wizard brightly replied.

He drew himself up into what was supposed to be a dignified pose, cleared his throat, and in his practiced villain voice, announced, "I am the evil wizard, Katz, and I have brought you sixteen men…"

"Fifteen," Kaiba interrupted.

"What?"

"There are fifteen of us here," the hacker told him.

Katz stopped and stared blankly at him, and then started counting his captives. "One, two, three…GODDAMNIT!"

The wizard snapped his fingers and a tiny silver whistle appeared. He blew into it, but no discernible sound came out. "Hey fat-ass, what do you think you're doing?" Seifer wanted to know.

"Why the hell do you have to call everyone names, Rufus?" Vincent demanded.

"My name's not Rufus, and I'll call anyone whatever I want, Vampire Boy!"

"I'm not a fucking vampire, you jackass!"

Yami took over Yugi's body and asked, "Well, if you aren't a vampire, then what are you?"

Before anyone could look askance at the little duelist's transformation, a flock of flying monkeys dropped out of the sky in front of the wizard. The lead monkey approached and chattered a question. Katz listened to it, seeming to understand, and asked, "Bobo, didn't I say that I needed sixteen people for my evil plan?"

Bobo the flying monkey nodded, and the wizard said, "Well, why in bloody hell do I only have FIFTEEN people, then?"

The monkey chattered another question, and Katz replied, "Yes, I DO want you to go find another person, so get your hairy ass moving!"

Bobo and the rest of the monkeys flew away, and returned a little while later, carrying a big brown gorilla in a red necktie. The lead monkey chattered proudly and pointed at the confused ape. Katz's face turned red, and he shouted, "I said find a person! I didn't tell you to bring me fucking Donkey Kong!"

Bobo squeaked indignantly, and the wizard yelled, "I don't care if you think he's hot! Take his big ass back to the goddamn jungle and bring me a person!"

The flying monkeys left again, taking Donkey Kong with them, and the wizard sighed and turned back to his captives. "It's so hard to find good help these days," he told them.

"Tell me about it!" Kaiba agreed.

A little while later, the little simians returned, this time carrying a Japanese girl in a green and white school uniform. "Hey, what's going on?" the girl asked, a bemused expression on her face.

Katz smacked his forehead, and said, "Bobo, didn't I already tell you that I needed a guy?"

When the monkey nodded, the wizard grabbed it by the collar and yelled, "WELL, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING KAGOME HERE?"

He ranted and raved a little while longer, and Bobo sighed and carried Kagome back to Tokyo. Katz pushed back the baggy sleeves of his bright orange robes, and said, "If you want something done right, then you have to do it yourself!"

He raised his hands to the sky and shouted, "INKLE, HINKLE, FINKLE, DOO!"

…

In feudal Japan, a little girl, a froglike imp, and a two-headed dragon horse followed a one-armed demon with long white hair and gold eyes. Suddenly, a raging storm swept out of nowhere, a bolt of lightning struck the ground, and the demon and the imp disappeared. "Where did Lord Sesshomaru and Lord Jaken go?" Rin wondered.

…

Everyone snickered at Katz's magical incantation, until Sesshomaru and Jaken dropped out of the sky. The wizard hopped up and down and crowed, "Woo-hoo! My Time-Travel spell worked!"

"Time-travel?" Sesshomaru was confused.

"Yeah, you've been captured by the evil wizard, Katz," Nightmare told him.

The demon stared at the dark knight's right arm with great interest. "Where did you get that?" he asked.

"My sword gave it to me after I became evil."

Sesshomaru pulled out the dark sword, Tokijin, and gave it an accusing stare. "Why didn't you give me a new arm like that?"

The sword flickered in a manner that seemed to say, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't give me that! I KNOW that you're capable of doing such a thing."

Nightmare tapped the demon on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I've got the left arm, if you want it."

Sesshomaru nodded, and the dark knight reached down his pants and pulled out a huge demon arm. Kilik gave him a suspicious look, and asked, "How did you manage to fit that in there?"

"Aw, Uncle Kilik, you know that everybody has a magic pocket to keep stuff in," Nightmare replied, handing the arm to Sesshomaru.

Meanwhile, Zell whined, "Squall, I'm hungry!"

The SeeD commander suppressed the urge to bonk his friend over the head, and asked, "Do you still have Eden junctioned?"

When the fighter nodded, he continued, "Well, why don't you go Devour that little frog-man over there."

"I'm not a frog!" Jaken shouted as Zell picked him up, "Lord Sesshomaru, HELP!"

The white demon looked up just as the fighter finished swallowing the imp whole, and said, "That's okay; the little fucker was starting to annoy me, anyway."

Finally, Katz stopped his joyful bouncing, and turned his attention back on the group. "Now that I finally have all sixteen of you in my power, I can finally unleash the second phase of my evil plot!"

No, I'm not unfolding the "evil" plot just yet. Also, I do realize that Kagome, Jaken, and Sesshomaru probably wouldn't understand English, but I don't speak Japanese, so there! (Sticks out tongue) Anyway, I don't own them, either, and I want you to review so I know how I'm doing.


	4. The Evil Plot

At this time, I would like to thank Chaka and Kiki for reviewing. Chaka, I just have one question: what does Disney have to do with anything? I'm glad that everyone's happy that Sesshomaru is here, because I had planned on his arrival from the beginning. Jaken is an annoying little bastard who deserves to die, thus Zell got to eat him. Anyway, here's the new chapter.

Chapter 4: The "Evil" Plot

Everyone stared at Katz as he prepared to unfold his evil plot. He cleared his throat and said, "Now, I've brought you sixteen men here to…"

"There are only fifteen of us here," Sesshomaru interrupted, turning and flexing the new demon arm Nightmare gave him.

"What? I just brought you here, so there should be sixteen of you now!"

"No, Sephiroth disappeared, so there's only fifteen of us again," Cloud sighed.

The wizard's face turned red. "Where the fuck is Sephiroth!" he shouted.

Suddenly, a shadow appeared overhead, and Katz barely managed to step out of the way, as the One-Winged Angel landed heavily on the ground with his Masamune blade pointed facedown. "Damn, I missed," the villain grumbled.

"Did you just try to kill me?" the mage squeaked, his face now a livid purple.

Sephiroth tapped his lower lip thoughtfully. "Gee, let me think…um, yeah?"

"YOU IDIOT! I've already told you that you'll all be stuck here forever if you kill me!"

The rest of the guys shot the silver-haired villain a dirty look. "What?" he asked, trying to look innocent.

Yami took over Yugi again and said, "Sephiroth, we DON'T want to be stuck here forever. That would be a bad thing."

"Your point being?"

The pharaoh spirit smacked his forehead and replied, "If we're stuck here forever, then you can't go off and do evil things anymore."

Sephiroth gasped at that startling revelation and quickly put his sword away. Katz quickly took advantage of the silence and cleared his throat again. "As I was saying, I've brought you all here to take part in my tournament. You are all going to become gladiators and battle each other over a course of several rounds until only one of you is left."

"Is there a prize?" Mitsurugi asked, his eyes shining with childish hope.

The wizard smiled, and replied, "Yes, the winner has the honor and the privilege of marrying Princess Muumuu."

They all stopped and stared at him. "What the hell kind of dumb-ass prize is that, fatso?" Seifer cried.

"Rufus, stop calling people names!" Vincent yelled.

The red haired boy turned on the gunman and shouted, "Look, you stupid son of a bitch, my name is NOT Rufus, and I will call anyone anything I want! If you don't like it, then you'll just have to get over it, Vampire Boy!"

"I'm not a vampire!"

Squall tapped Cloud on the shoulder and asked, "If he's not a vampire, then what is he?"

"You'll see."

Seifer and Vincent continued to argue, and finally the red-eyed man said, "You're making me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry."

Seifer ignored the warning, and finally Vincent transformed into a huge black demon with red wings and tossed the boy across the arena with one hand. Cloud watched the whole thing dispassionately and said, "Vincent is a demon."

"Nice work," Sesshomaru applauded when the gunman changed back into his human form.

"Yeah, you can come join our club," Nightmare chimed in, handing him a little business card.

"Brotherhood of Demons United, sect 666," Vincent read aloud. "Stealing souls since 562 B.C. So, both of you are members?"

The dark knight nodded and said, "I've been a member ever since I got Soul Edge. Sesshomaru's a member of the Eastern chapter, though, and East and West only have their meetings every fifty years."

"Why can't I join?" Sephiroth whined.

"You have to either be a demon, or be possessed by one, so you can't join," Sesshomaru told him before turning back to Vincent. "So, do you want to join?"

"Sure, why not?" he shrugged as the white haired demon handed him a red badge shaped like a skull.

Meanwhile, Seymour sidled up to the now-sulking Sephiroth and stroked his silvery hair with a long finger. "You can always join my club," the Guado offered with a smile.

"Hey, faggot, no one wants to join your fucking fruit club!" Tidus yelled as the One-Winged Angel quickly backed away.

"HEY! ALL OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME FINISH TALKING!" Katz screamed, startling everyone into silence.

After the wizard composed himself, he said, "As I said before, whichever one of you wins the contest will get to marry Princess Muumuu.

"What's so evil about that?" Joey wanted to know.

"What if we don't want to get married, or take part in this stupid tournament?" Zell demanded.

"You don't have a choice in the matter for any of it; THAT'S why it's so evil! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Yugi regained control of his body and said, "I hate to disappoint you, but that isn't really evil."

"It's not?" Katz looked taken aback.

Auron finally spoke up and told him, "Your plan isn't evil, it's stupid."

"But…I worked so hard on it."

"It's the kind of plan that a mama's boy would come up with," Kaiba said.

The wizard started to cry, and Kilik awkwardly patted the little man on the shoulder. "There, there, it's not that bad."

Eventually, Katz composed himself and gave his captives a chilling stare. "You know what? I don't care if you think this plan is stupid, you're still going to take part in it whether you like it or not!"

"But…but…" Mitsurugi started to say, but the wizard cut him off.

"ENOUGH! You're all going to do it, but since you've all wasted so much time interrupting me, you're all just going to have to spend the night out here and wait until I come back tomorrow morning!"

The little mage hopped back on his vacuum cleaner and started to fly away, but then Sephiroth yelled, "Hey, where are we supposed to sleep?"

"You all should have thought about that before you insulted me," Katz sneered. "Sweet dreams, gentlemen."

He flew away and after a while, Joey growled, "I hope you're fucking happy!"

"Shut up, Wheeler!"

Well, that's all you get for now. Yes, Katz's plan is stupid, but I did it on purpose. Anyway, I hope everyone liked it, so review and tell me what you think. The next chapter is going to be called "Slumber Party", but that may be subject to change.


	5. Slumber Party

Thanks Chaka, Cyran, and Kiki. I'm glad that you appreciate the sheer stupidity of Katz's plan. By the way, yes Kiki, I am twisted. People have told me that for years. Well, I won't waste any more of anyone's time, so here's the new chapter.

Chapter 5: Slumber Party

Katz returned home just as the sun went down, and found his mother waiting for him on the front porch. She looked like the stereotypical, cookie-baker types, except for the fact that she had her teeth and fingernails filed down into sharpened points. "Where the hell have you been?" she demanded, "Dinner was on the table an hour ago, and now it's cold!"

"I'm sorry," he sullenly replied.

She gave him a suspicious look. "What's wrong with you, child? Are you starting to get sick on me?"

"No," he told her as she led him into the house. "My captives all told me that my evil plans were stupid, so now I'm just sad."

His mother gave him a sharp look. "What did you do about it?"

"I told them all that they had to do it anyway, and now I'm making them all spend the night outside without any supplies. I figure that a night out in the cold ought to teach them a lesson."

"That's my good boy," she cooed, hugging the wizard and petting his balding scalp. "You're Voldemort's son, so you don't have to take shit off of any of those bastards out there."

She gave him a kiss on the forehead, and smiled at him. "Now, you go on and eat your dinner and then get ready for bed, okay?"

A little while later, Katz finished his cold dinner, changed into his undersized Superman pajamas, and crawled into bed. His mother gave him another kiss, flicked off the light; shut the door, and the "evil" wizard dropped off into slumber, where he dreamed about all the terrible and probably stupid things that his captives might be suffering through at that moment.

…

Everyone stood in the middle of the now-dark arena, pondering what their fate might be. "Man, I can't believe that we're all stuck spending the night out here," Tidus griped.

"Well, it's not as if none of us aren't used to sleeping outside," Vincent said.

Mitsurugi and Nightmare, however, didn't seem to agree with that. The two disturbed warriors huddled close to Kilik and shivered. "Uncle Kilik, we're scared," the samurai whined.

"Yeah," the dark knight agreed. "I don't like it out here."

The monk sighed heavily, and Sesshomaru gave him a curious look. "What's wrong with those two?" he asked.

Kilik related the story, and the demon sadly shook his head. "That's too bad. Nightmare seems like he would make a good demon, if not for his infirmity."

"Well, they both still know how to fight and they still have their memories, but they're both stuck in childhood now," the monk explained.

Suddenly, Sephiroth looked around and asked, "Hey, does anyone have anything flammable?"

Cloud and Vincent eyed him dubiously. "Why?"

"I DO still have my Fire materia, but I need some fuel to get a good one going."

Tidus snatched at Auron's white jug, and the swordsman quickly shoved him away. "Hey, what'd you do that for?" the blitz star complained.

"Keep your hands off of my stuff."

"Hey, you don't have to be such an old grouch!"

The guardian gave him an ominous glare. "I've already finished Jecht's favor, so you just remember that I don't HAVE to keep you alive anymore."

"Okay, okay!" Tidus surrendered. "You don't have to give up your sake then, but we really do need some stuff for a fire. Here, I'll even throw in my Withered Bouquet."

He pulled some dead flowers out of his pocket and tossed them on the ground. Afterward, Mitsurugi followed the young star's example, pulled out a wooden arm, and dropped it on top of the bouquet. "Where did you get a wooden arm, Mitsurugi?" Kilik demanded, his eyes narrowing in accusation.

"Ooh! I know!" Nightmare shouted, wildly waving his big demon arm. "I saw him steal it from Yoshimitsu!"

"It's not like he was actually using it!" the samurai protested. "I took it after he got that metal arm installed, so he won't miss it!"

The monk shook his head in disgust, but didn't say anything. Everyone except Auron dug around in their pockets and pulled out various flammable items that included several grenades, a wooden mallet, multiple bits of scrap paper, an old duck decoy, Jaken's two-headed stick, and finally a long, oddly shaped piece of wood of suspicious origin. "Seymour, what is that?" Joey asked, eyeing the last object with distaste.

"Oh, it's just an old keepsake that I don't need anymore," the maester blithely replied.

Finally, everyone looked up at Auron and after a long moment, he pulled off his collar, poured some liquor on it, and tossed it on top of the pile. Sephiroth grinned; yelled "Fire 3" at the top of his lungs, and an explosion of flame that nearly knocked everyone off their feet rewarded him. "You dork!" Zell yelled once he discovered that his eyebrows were singed off. "Were you trying to kill us all?"

The silver haired villain opened his mouth, and Squall quickly raised his hand and said, "Never mind, we already know the answer to that."

The group sat around the fire in silence, and because of Sephiroth's little episode, the fuel burnt out quickly. Nobody seemed to notice that Seymour was giving various other members of the group speculative looks, and when the fire finally died, Yugi sighed, "Well, why don't we all just try to go to sleep then?"

…

Cloud was having the most wonderful dream. He was back in his world, and Tifa was idly stroking his back, whispering all sorts of naughty and wonderful things into his ear. The ex-SOLDIER rolled over in his sleep, and suddenly realized that somebody was now stroking his chest. "Tifa?" he mumbled, halfway waking up and grabbing one of the busy hands.

The blond swordsman woke up completely when he noticed that the roving fingers were too long, and ended in pointy fingernails. "What the fuck?" he gasped, sitting up and opening his Mako blue eyes.

Seymour was hovering over him, with a sick grin on his face. The two men stared at each other for one long moment, but when the Guado tried to kiss him, Cloud immediately jumped to his feet and let out a terrible yell. "SON OF A BITCH!" he spat, backing away from the maester as fast as he could, shuddering as he went.

The others heard his shriek and woke up in sleepy confusion. "What's going on?" Kaiba growled irritably, rubbing his eyes.

Cloud pointed at Seymour and yelled, "I woke up, that motherfucker was petting me, and then he tried to KISS me!"

Seifer shot the Guado a dirty look. "Tighty-Whiteys is right: you ARE a faggot!"

"My name's Tidus, not Tighty-Whiteys!" the blitz star snapped.

"Whatever."

Seymour shrugged, and with a slight smile on his creepy features, said, "I'm sorry. I just wanted to make you happy, that's all."

"You ain't making me happy like that, you sick bastard!" the ex-experiment shouted, a look of horror on his face.

Sephiroth gave his nemesis an evil grin and said, "Aw, that's SO sweet. He thought you were a fruit and wanted to make you 'happy'."

On that last word, the villain wiggled his fingers, and Cloud shuddered with revulsion. "You stay away from me, you nasty freak!"

Seymour smirked, but didn't say anything, and eventually everyone went back to sleep, except for the now-traumatized Cloud, who sat as far away from the maester as possible.

A little while later, Sephiroth felt a warm weight settle on his chest. He opened his mouth to yell at whomever it was, only to find another mouth being pressed against his. The silver haired villain froze, but when the stranger stuck their tongue in his mouth, he renewed his struggles and shoved his assailant away. "GODDAMNIT!" he shouted when he saw that it was Seymour. "You…you…fucking zombie fruit!"

"What is it now?" Seifer growled, "I was having a good dream before you woke me up!"

Sephiroth wiped at his mouth, pointed at the Guado, and screamed, "That…that…UGH!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Sesshomaru wanted to know.

"Sephiroth is a REALLY good kisser," Seymour replied with a wink. "And I just LOVE that long silver hair of his."

"How do YOU like it, Sephy?" Cloud sneered. "It looks like he wanted to make you happy, too."

"Shut up!"

Yugi scratched his head and said, "Well, what are we going to do now? We obviously can't go back to sleep with Seymour on the loose."

"I've got an idea!" Nightmare offered, reaching down his pants again.

He pulled out a long yellow rope and held it up. "We can tie him up with this, and then he won't be able to mess with anyone else's ass for the rest of the night."

"Where'd you get a rope?" Kilik demanded.

"You shouldn't underestimate the powers of the magic pocket, Uncle Kilik," Nightmare grinned.

Everyone quickly tackled Seymour and tied him up, leaving him in a distant corner of the arena. "Hey, wait a minute!" the maester cried as the group turned to leave. "Sir Auron, I need to tell you something."

"What?" he gruffly demanded.

"I can't tell you with everyone else standing here. It's for your ears alone, so would you please come a little closer?"

Auron eyed him dubiously, but walked back to Seymour and leaned down so that the Guado could whisper in his ear. Everyone else hung back, watching the whole event, but could not hear what was being said. Suddenly, the swordsman let out a strangled cry and punched the Guado in the jaw. Afterward, he kicked him in the stomach and strode off, fury clearly written in every line of his body.

"What happened?" Tidus inquired, seeing the look on his friend's face. "What did he say?"

Auron turned around, his face flushing angrily, and said, "He told me that he wanted to…" He stopped and shook his head. "Never mind. Let's just all go back to sleep."

Well, they tried to go back to sleep, but they found that difficult to accomplish with Seymour snickering in the background. Eventually, they all gave up and waited until the first light of dawn peeked into the arena.

Woo-hoo! This is my longest chapter yet! No, I'm not going to tell you what Seymour wanted to do with Auron; I'll just leave that up to your sick and twisted imaginations. Also, I don't own Voldemort, and I wouldn't take him if J. K. Rowling tried to give him to me. Well, I'm looking forward to your reviews, and I'll see you next chapter.


	6. The Tournament Begins!

I want to thank Chaka, Cyran, Kiki, and now Queen Strife for their reviews. I know that last chapter was creepy, but this one will be better, I promise. (Stops and thinks) Wait a minute…actually, this one might be worse. Well, let me stop babbling and let you come to your own conclusions.

Chapter 6: The Tournament Begins!

Katz awoke the next day, feeling much refreshed and ready to begin his "evil" tournament…whether his prisoners liked it or not. He changed from his Superman pajamas into some iridescent aquamarine robes and went downstairs for breakfast. After wolfing down a couple of Pop Tarts, he kissed his mother goodbye, remounted his vacuum cleaner, and flew back to the arena. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to change the bag again, so the trip took the better part of an hour.

Finally, the wizard arrived and he opened his mouth to give them all a carefully rehearsed speech about something or other, but then he saw Seymour and instead, demanded, "Why the hell is he tied up?"

"The damn pervert couldn't keep his hands to himself and kept trying to play touchie-feelie last night, so we were forced to tie him up," Kilik explained.

"Uncle Kilik, what's a pervert?" Mitsurugi asked.

"It means that Seymour likes to touch people 'there'," Nightmare told him. "You'd know that if you weren't such a big dorkface!"

That immediately set off a fight between the two of them, which everyone else decided to ignore. "I really don't see what the big deal is," Zell sighed, "It was just a kiss."

If looks could kill, then the blond SeeD would have immediately dropped dead from the glare that Sephiroth gave him. "The bastard stuck his fucking tongue IN MY MOUTH!" he snarled.

"Why don't we let Seymour come over here and whisper dirty things to you in your sleep?" Cloud suggested, his blue eyes flashing with anger.

"Ooh, can I?" the Guado asked with a vile grin in Zell's direction.

"NO!" everyone shouted in unison.

Katz rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Okay, is there anyone else who has a complaint against Seymour?"

Tidus waved his hand and shouted, "Auron does! Handlebar Head said something to him last night, and got punched in the face for it."

"Shut up, Tidus!" the guardian growled.

The wizard rolled his eyes again and sighed, "What did he say?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh come on! We're all adults here…" He stopped and looked at Mitsurugi and Nightmare. "Well, most of us are, so you can tell me."

Auron gave Seymour a baleful stare, and then turned and whispered something into the tiny mage's ear. Katz's eyes went wide, and he started to blush furiously. "Is that even physically possible?" he asked, staring at the maester with astonishment.

Seymour shrugged. "I don't know, but I'd really like to find out."

"You're nasty! I oughtta let those poor guys have a free hand with you..."

Cloud, Auron, and Sephiroth all gave the Guado an evil grin, and pulled out their swords, but the wizard raised his hand and continued to speak. "I ought to, but they'll just have to wait until the tournament."

The three violated swordsmen let out sighs of disappointment and put their weapons away. Meanwhile, Sesshomaru stared down at the tiny mage and asked, "When is this tournament supposed to take place?"

Katz snapped his fingers, and a large black top hat appeared. "The tournament will begin shortly, but first, I have to draw the names of the first two combatants. I put everyone's names in this hat, and I'll pull two of them out. Whomever I pick will be the first ones to fight. Oh, and if any of you get the bright idea to try and lose on purpose; if you try it, I will personally make sure that you will spend the next ten years chained to the wall as Seymour's personal entertainment."

"What about Fruitcake? What happens if he tries to lose on purpose?" Seifer demanded.

"He'll spend the same amount of time working in a home for elderly nymphomaniacs with social diseases."

"But wouldn't he like that?" Vincent asked, "How would that be a punishment?"

"He'll be sexually impotent," Katz told him. "Now stop interrupting me so I can get the drawing over with."

Everyone watched at the little man as he reached down into the hat and pulled out two slips of paper. He opened up the first one and announced, "The first fighter will be Seymour, and the second fighter will be…"

Cloud, Auron, and Sephiroth all looked hopeful, but everyone else looked worried. The drama dragged on interminably, but finally Kaiba yelled, "Stop dragging it out and tell us already!"

"Okay, okay! The second fighter is Yugi!" Katz told them, much to the tiny duelist's dismay.

"No! I don't want to fight Seymour!" Yugi yelled, "Can't you pick someone else?"

"Sorry, little man, but those are the breaks. By the way, this match is a purely physical one. Neither one of you can use any kind of magical powers, nor can you have any weapons other than what you were born with. That means that Yami and Anima can't come out during this match, and you can't use your Duel Monsters cards."

The wizard snapped his fingers again, and he and his captives, except for Yugi and Seymour, found themselves sitting in the stands above the arena. They all looked confused, and Katz explained, "There's a much better view from up here. Besides, I don't want any of you to be close enough to be tempted to take matters into your own hands."

Seymour gave Yugi a smile reminiscent of Jack Nicholson and slowly removed his heavy coat. "Don't worry, little one," he said, dropping his coat to the ground, "This will be a good kind of hurt, I promise."

The duelist's violet eyes filled with fear, and he slowly backed away from the Guado. "Yami, what am I going to do?" he asked the spirit of the Millennium Puzzle.

_"I don't know,"_ the pharaoh replied in the recesses of Yugi's soul. _"Katz has blocked my powers, so I can't help you. Just run away and try not to let him grab you from behind."_

"Oh, that's just GREAT! How the hell is that supposed to help me?" Yugi shouted, just as Seymour lunged at him.

The duelist barely evaded the maester's attempts to grab him, and he ran away as fast as his little legs would take him, screaming, "Somebody help me!"

Joey and Kaiba both sighed and did the infamous anime sweatdrop as they watched their companion run all over the arena. "This is really embarrassing," Joey groaned.

"Tell me about it!" Kaiba agreed.

Squall tapped Katz on the shoulder and said, "You DO know that we're going to witness a rape if this goes on too much longer, don't you?"

"I'll stop it if it gets to that point, don't worry," the wizard reassured the SeeD commander.

Then Seymour tackled Yugi, and the two of them fell to the ground. The fighters struggled for a couple of minutes, but the Guado ended up sitting on the duelist's stomach and left arm. The boy squirmed and tried to hit his attacker with his free hand, but he didn't have enough leverage to make any heavy blows. Finally, the maester grabbed Yugi's arm and pinned it to the ground before leaning over to whisper dire things in his ear. "You and I are going to have a lot of fun before I kill you," Seymour purred, his eyes full of sadistic glee. "And I can promise you that I'll enjoy every minute of it, and maybe you will too. Go ahead and fight…that just makes it all the more enjoyable for me."

Yugi screamed again, and the Guado started laughing malevolently. He stopped, however, when the duelist's bangs waved about and made a weird trilling noise. "What the hell…" he trailed off, staring at the wriggling bangs.

Suddenly, Yugi's multicolored hair screeched loudly, leaped off its owner's scalp, and attached itself to Seymour's face. The maester let out a muffled shriek and tried to dislodge the attacking hair, but its blond bangs had an iron grip on his head. The attack looked like an event out of one of the "Alien" movies, only with hair instead of a bug. Yugi, now bald and feeling violated, quickly scooted backward as Seymour struggled and screamed. Nobody knew what the hair was doing, but it had to be excruciatingly painful, judging by the Guado's muted shouts, and the whole thing was unnerving everyone.

Finally, the perverted maester's cries stopped, and he fell to the ground and twitched like a dying cockroach. Once the twitching ended, the multihued attack hair released its grip on Seymour and scooted back to its owner, who placed it back on his head.

Katz snapped his fingers once more, and everyone was back in the arena. They all ran to check on Yugi, who had gotten up and dusted himself off. "Yugi, what the fuck was that?" Sephiroth demanded, keeping his distance in case the hair decided to attack again.

The little duelist looked up at everyone with haunted eyes and said, "My hair is the result of a genetic experiment gone wrong, and it comes alive and attacks people every once in a while. That's also the reason why its three different colors."

"It isn't going to attack anyone else, is it?" Squall asked, eyeing the hair with suspicion.

"No, it only attacks once every five years, so everyone is safe now."

"Everyone except Seymour, that is," Auron said, nudging him with his foot.

The Guado's face seemed perfectly normal, except for the trickles of blood running from his mouth and nostrils. Seifer leaned down and looked at the fallen villain with great curiosity. "So Fat-ass does this mean that Shrimpo won?"

Katz thought about it for a moment and nodded. "The hair was a part of Yugi when he was born, so it wasn't an illegal weapon. Yugi is the winner of the first match of the first round."

The wizard pointed a finger at Seymour's body, and Cloud yelled, "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

"I never said that I was going to let you people die, so I'm bringing him back to life."

"Why would you want to do something like that?" Zell wanted to know.

"Why not?"

"You do realize that he'll just try to molest people again, don't you?" Kilik told him.

"Don't worry, I won't keep him here; I'll send him back where he came from." Katz raised his hands to the sky and shouted, "INKLE, HINKLE, FINKLE, DOO!"

Once again, there was a flash of lightning, and Seymour came back to life, but immediately vanished in a puff of purple smoke. "There, is everyone satisfied now?" the wizard asked.

…

Back in the Farplane, St. Peter was sitting in a recliner, sipping at an umbrella cocktail, and listening to Jecht tell Braska another dirty joke, when someone fell on top of him. "Holy shit! Are you okay?" the blitz star asked, as he and the High Summoner ran to help the saint.

St. Peter got to his feet and looked at who had fallen on him. "Well, it looks like I'm back everyone," Seymour said with a smile.

"GODDAMNIT! I thought I wasn't going to have to listen to your stupid voice anymore!" the saint roared with anger.

Braska tugged at the angry man's robes and said, "Didn't you just get that new reincarnation upgrade installed?"

"Oh yeah, I remember that!" Jecht chimed in. "Hey, why don't you send Handlebar Head back to Spira and then you won't have to deal with him again."

St. Peter reached inside his voluminous white robes, pulled out a remote control, and pointed it at Seymour with a vicious grin. "Let's see how much trouble you can get into now!"

He pushed a button, and the maester disappeared in a flash of yellow light.

…

Somewhere on Spira, a baby shoopuf was born with a pair of tiny sprigs sticking out of the sides of its head. The Hypello who owned it thought the little protuberances were strange, and thought to himself, _"Maybe dish shoopuf be shomething shpecial?"_

The little beast of burden let out a despairing cry, and the Hypello immediately changed his mind about it being important.

Well, I finally got rid of that prick Seymour! (Wild cheering) I know a shoopuf doesn't sound like a terrible reincarnation, but it's the best I can come up with at one in the morning. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this, and I'll be waiting for your reviews.


	7. Cock Fight

Chaka, Cyran, thanks for reviewing. I'm glad everyone liked Yugi's attack hair, and I hope you'll like this new chapter just as much.

Chapter 7: Cock Fight

After Katz sent Seymour back to the Farplane, the group's general enthusiasm increased by several notches, and it was evident in their behavior. "So, are we stopping for today, or are you going to pick some more names?" Vincent asked the wizard.

Katz looked down at his Mickey Mouse watch, saw that it wasn't even lunchtime, and said, "I think we have enough time for a couple more matches before we stop."

He snapped his fingers, and the black top hat appeared once again. "You all know the drill: I'll pull out a couple of names, and whoever I pick will fight in whatever manner I deem appropriate."

"I hope I get to fight that big bully Nightmare," Mitsurugi said, sticking his tongue out at the dark knight.

"Oh, yeah? Well I hope I get to fight you, too, so I can show everyone how big a dork you really are!" Nightmare retorted.

"You need to get them some kind of mental help, Kilik," Auron told the monk.

"I plan on it."

"Okay everyone, the first fighter of the next round is Seifer," Katz announced.

"YES!" the orange haired boy exulted, whipping the Hyperion about in what was supposed to be an intimidating manner. "Okay Fat-Ass, which one of these chumps is my opponent?"

The mage unfolded the second slip and read, "Sephiroth. Your opponent for this match will be Sephiroth."

"Oh, you mean one of Fruit Salad's boyfriends?"

"Watch your mouth, punk!" Sephiroth growled.

"So, what kind of fight is this going to be?" Joey asked. "Are they only going to be allowed to use magic, or something?"

"This match is going to be a cock fight," Katz replied nonchalantly replied.

"WHAT?" Everyone was shocked.

"I absolutely refuse to take part in that kind of fight, you psychotic mama's boy!" Sephiroth shouted.

"What's the matter: you afraid that mine's bigger than yours?" Seifer mocked.

"You guys need to get your minds out of the gutter! I'm not talking about that kind of cock fight!"

"Then what kind of…" Tidus started to ask, before the wizard silenced him with a wave.

Katz flicked his fingers and a flash of yellow light engulfed the two combatants. When it cleared, both Sephiroth and Seifer were dressed in giant chicken costumes, much to the amusement of everyone else. "What the hell is this?" Seifer demanded, as Squall and Zell roared with laughter.

"I already told you that it's a cock fight. You two are going to battle each other in these costumes."

Suddenly, a Mexican man with a towel flung over one shoulder appeared, pointed at Seifer, and said, "El pollo es muy caliente."

"I know that already, Javier!" the wizard replied, irritation coloring his voice. "Now go home and stop telling me that!"

The strange man vanished as mysteriously as he appeared, and Vincent scratched his head and asked, "Who the fuck was that?"

"Javier is an old boxing coach, but he quit after one of his fighters knocked him out. Anyway, he pops up from time to time, yelling about a chicken being hot, and I have to run him off."

"Oh. Well, what were you saying about the cock fight?"

Katz nodded, and continued, "Sephy and Seifer are going to fight in those costumes, and they're only going to be able to use the weapons I give them."

He snapped his fingers again, and two weapons appeared. One was a plastic pitchfork like the ones found with Satan costumes, and the other was a fluorescent green Nerf boomerang. "Okay gentlemen, pick your weapons and get ready to fight."

Both fighters sighed, and Sephiroth picked up the boomerang while Seifer took the pitchfork. Everyone managed to stop laughing long enough to walk to the edge of the arena before the fight began. Katz transported his giggling captives into the stands and yelled, "LETS GET IT ON!"

The two "chickens" sighed again, and Sephiroth threw his Styrofoam boomerang at Seifer's head, but the carrot haired boy evaded it. "You dummy! You missed…"

The boy's words cut off when the boomerang came back and whacked him in the back of the head. "Idiot! Boomerangs come back, you know," Sephiroth jeered.

Seifer jumped to his feet and hurled his pitchfork at the One Winged Angel. However, the tines were made of plastic, so they merely bounced off the feathers of the chicken costume. They stood there, malevolently glaring at each other from inside the beaks of their outfits, when Tidus stood up and shouted, "Why don't you use your peckers?"

Auron smacked his forehead and said, "Tidus, sit down and shut up."

"What? They're chickens, so they should peck each other to death!" the blitz player innocently replied.

"Hey! Why don't you two use your spurs?" Yugi suggested, finally seeming to recover from his ordeal with Seymour.

Sephiroth and Seifer looked down at their feet and noticed that there were shiny silver spurs attached to their ankles. The silver haired villain shot his opponent an evil look and yelled, "Your ass is grass!"

Then the two of them started kicking at each other, hoping to cause some damage with the spurs, but kept tripping over the big feet of their costumes. Finally, they gave up on it and tackled each other, punching and kicking with reckless abandon. This went on for some time before they fell to the ground and rolled around like a couple of scrapping school kids. Seifer eventually got to his feet, but he was blind since the head of his outfit was turned around. He made some kind of muffled comment, and tried to attack Sephiroth, but the villain kicked at him and inadvertently managed to make a brutal blow with one of the spurs.

"Damn it, that HURT!" the boy yelled, pulling his head off and throwing it to the ground.

"It was supposed to hurt, Rufus!" Sephiroth snapped, removing his own head in response.

"My name's not Rufus, you turkey!"

"I'm not a turkey, I'm a chicken!"

"Yeah, you are, aren't you?"

The One Winged Angel lost his temper, and threw his chicken head at his opponent. Unfortunately, Seifer didn't duck fast enough and the flying head hit him in the face. The boy dropped like a collapsing roof and did not move. Everyone gaped for a moment, and Katz hurried over to Seifer to check his pulse. "Hey, he's still alive, but he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up."

"Holy shit!" Sephiroth cried, struggling to contain his laughter. "I didn't think that it was actually going to hit him!"

"So does this mean that Sephiroth won?" Kaiba wanted to know.

"I should bloody well think I won! I did all of that in a goddamn chicken costume, without my sword, so it had better count for something!"

He gave Katz an ugly look, and the wizard quickly said, "Okay, you won, just stop leering at me!"

"Ooh, I have a question!" Mitsurugi yelled, waving his arm. "Are you going to send Carrot Top back to wherever like you did with Seymour?"

The mage looked down at Seifer's unconscious form and said, "No, I'll let him stay."

"I just want you to know that I'm going to kill him if he calls me a vampire again, okay?" Vincent informed him.

"Yeah, yeah, don't get your cape in a knot! If he starts running his mouth when he wakes up, then you can pull your Incredible Hulk routine and tear him apart!"

The ex-Turk nodded and Sesshomaru asked, "So, what are we going to do now?"

The wizard grinned and said, "Let the next round of the tournament commence!"

That's all for this chapter. Did you like the chicken costumes? Well, you all know what to do…review, of course!


	8. The Princess and the Dragon

I'm glad Chaka, Cyran, and Kiki reviewed again. Yes, I am a sick and twisted individual. That's why I'm going to take over the Earth as soon as my army of evil Hell-Kittens is finished…BWAHAHAHAHAHA! (Temporarily regains sanity) Anyway, here's the new chapter.

Chapter 8: The Princess and the Dragon

A few minutes after his defeat, Seifer awoke to a splitting headache. "What the hell happened?" he groaned.

"Sephiroth beat your ass with a chicken head, that's what happened," Squall told him.

Zell's face turned red as he stared at Seifer, and the orange hair boy yelled, "What the fuck are you staring at, Chicken-Wuss?"

The tattooed fighter burst into gales of uncontrollable laughter, while Joey grinned and said, "You have two black eyes, and now you look like a raccoon!"

"SHUT UP!" Seifer yelled, causing Joey and Zell to laugh even harder.

"Hey, what's that?" Cloud asked, pointing up at the sky.

A gilded purple carriage pulled by two winged buffalo appeared and landed in the arena with a heavy thud. "Oh no!" Katz moaned, "They aren't supposed to show up yet!"

"Who are 'they'?" Sesshomaru wanted to know.

"The royal family. Princess Muumuu and King Dingaling are here."

"King WHO?" Mitsurugi gasped, while Nightmare snickered.

"You'll see."

The driver hopped down, opened the door to the carriage, and the king stepped out. He was a tall, imposing man, with broad shoulders and icy blue hair and eyes. He was dressed in snowy white clothes trimmed with countless tiny silver bells that tinkled whenever he moved. "Wizard!" Dingaling called in a booming voice, "How goes the tournament to decide who will wed my darling daughter, Muumuu?"

Katz bowed respectfully and replied, "Very well indeed, Your Majesty. I've already finished two battles, and am about to choose the fighters for the third."

"Good. You can continue the tournament and entertain Princess Muumuu at the same time, then."

"Uh…entertain?" the wizard was confused.

The king nodded. "Of course. Muumuu can watch her potential husbands fight while I take care of the affairs of state. Princess, come on out and meet the guys."

Princess Muumuu stepped out of the carriage, and everyone, with the exception of Katz and King Dingaling, stared at her. She looked like she was eighteen, but she was only the same height as an average seven year-old. She was pale, and her hair fell past her shoulders in a bubblegum pink cascade that perfectly matched her eyes and gown. Muumuu looked at all the captives with a haughty expression, and said, "Who the fuck are these losers?"

"Dear, one of these men is going to be your husband," Dingaling replied, quickly hopping back into the carriage. "Okay, wizard, I have complete faith in you, so good luck with your tournament."

With that, the winged buffalo quickly hauled the purple carriage away, leaving the guys to deal with the princess. Katz nervously cleared his throat and said, "Your Highness, let me introduce you to the guys."

The introductions were made, and the princess gave them all a frosty glare. "So, I'm supposed to marry one of you sorry bastards, huh?"

They stared mutely at her, and she continued to speak. "Well, I just want all of you to know that I'll be the one in charge, and all you have to do is sit there and look pretty, or whatever. There won't be any of that 'love, honor, and obey' bullshit, and if you don't like the way I do things, then that's just too damn bad! What the hell is your problem?"

Sephiroth had crept up close to the tiny princess and leaned down to stare into her pink eyes. He reached out, touched her face with one black-gloved finger, and shouted, "Ooh, Barbie! Poke!"

Suddenly, Muumuu caught the silver haired villain's hand in a viselike grip and slowly crushed it, causing him to wince. "Don't…fucking…touch me!" she growled, rosy eyes flashing in anger.

She released her hold on him, and he quickly backed away. "Now, I'm going up into the stands to take a nap, and if any of you pricks touch me again, I'll snap your damn arm off! Do you understand me?"

They all nodded, and the princess strolled off, her back straight as a board. "Man, that girl is a real bitch!" Yugi said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Yeah…" Katz sighed, "Isn't she great?"

"I think we need to take him to see a shrink when this is over," Kilik muttered to himself as Mitsurugi and Nightmare huddled close to him.

"Uncle Kilik, that lady is SCARY!" the samurai whined, trying to hide.

"I…I'm not scared!" the dark knight cried, shaking in fear. "I'm just cold, that's all."

The wizard finally snapped out of his reverie, and brought out his magic hat. "Okay, it's tine to start the next battle."

He pulled out two more slips of paper and quickly opened them. "The fighters for the next match will be…Kaiba and Tidus."

The blitz star grinned evilly, anticipating an easy victory, but Katz quickly shattered that illusion. "This battle is going to work a little bit like the Duel Monsters game," he said, a deck of cards appearing in his hand. "You'll each draw one card, and whatever monster you get will be your sole defender. You can use your weapons, but only if your monster has been destroyed, and you lose if the monster kills you, of course. Now, draw your monster and get ready to fight."

Tidus and Kaiba both picked a card, and the wizard transported everyone else back into the stands. The blitz player gave the hacker a jaunty salute, and said, "Go, Celtic Guardian!"

An elven warrior in green and brown armor appeared, and brandished his broadsword, while Kaiba raised an eyebrow. "Not bad, Blondie," the hacker's lips twitched in a slight smile, "But it's not good enough! Go, Blue-Eyes White Dragon!"

A huge, silvery-white dragon with sapphire eyes appeared, and let out a deafening roar. The dragon's eyes glowed, and a burst of blue-white lightning erupted from its jaws, instantly incinerating the Celtic Guardian. Tidus barely managed to get out of the way, and gulped once he saw the smoking crater where his elf once stood. "Oh man, that really sucked! I guess I'll have to take that lizard down the hard way."

He whipped out his sword, Caladbolg, and charged the Blue-Eyes. The young athlete slashed the dragon several times, before kicking a blitzball at it, but the legendary monster just stared at him. "Why didn't my attack work?" Tidus groaned when he saw the ineffectiveness of his assault.

"You need a Piercing weapon to get through its armor, you idiot!" Auron yelled from his seat in the stands.

"Oops…"

Kaiba began to laugh maniacally and shouted, "Go my great dragon! Show him your true power!"

The Blue-Eyes White Dragon let out another roar, and caught Tidus with another blast of lightning, burning him to ashes. Then, the dragon stomped all over the burnt cinders that remained, and bellowed in triumph before disappearing. Katz sent everyone back to the arena and Kaiba handed him the card. "It looks like I won," the hacker said, smiling because of the easy win.

The wizard put his Duel Monsters cards away, and raised his hands to resurrect Tidus. "Wait, what are you doing?" Auron asked.

"I'm going to bring Tidus back. Why, is there a problem?"

"Yeah, he'll whine for the rest of the tournament."

"Well, what do you suggest I do?"

The swordsman shrugged. "Send him back to Spira, I guess. He's supposed to go look for Yuna, anyway, so there's no point in keeping him here."

"You really don't like him, do you?" Vincent asked, while the little mage sent his ashes away.

"I like him, but he's an annoying little bastard," Auron replied.

…

Far away, in some distant sea, Tidus reappeared, surrounded by a group of pyreflies. He opened his eyes with a smile and quickly swam toward the surface, where someone he loved was waiting.

Yes, I know that Princess Muumuu is a bitch. She's supposed to be. I know I probably disappointed all the Tidus fans out there, but I think he's annoying, and this is my story, so there! (Sticks out tongue) At least I didn't turn him into a shoopuf the way I did Seymour! Anyway, review, and I promise not to send my Hell-Kittens to your house.


	9. Whiffled

Well, I'm glad Chaka and Cyran reviewed, but I have some unfortunate news. My Hell-Kittens escaped…yes, all 500,000 of them. I think that most of them escaped into the various Demon Worlds, but there may still be a few of them left on Earth. Anyway, here's the new chapter.

Chapter 9: Whiffled

It was mid afternoon and the first round of the tournament was almost halfway over. Seymour, Seifer, and Tidus all lost their matches, and Katz was ready to add a new member to the list. The wizard pulled out his hat full of names, and said, "Okay everyone, this will be the last match of the day, and…"

His announcement stopped when a high-pitched scream, followed by a strange buzzing noise filled the air. "Ahh! Stop it, you crazy bitch!" Seifer yelled.

Princess Muumuu was poking the ex-knight with what appeared to be a pink wand with a silver star stuck on the end, and every time she touched him, he jerked as if he were having a seizure. "You shouldn't have made faces at me, Raccoon-Boy," she calmly replied, still prodding him with the electrified wand. "If you would have left me alone, then none of this would be happening now."

"I'm beginning to think that Katz's plan is a lot more evil, now that we know what Princess Muumuu is like," Kilik said, nervously watching the tiny girl torture Seifer.

The monk stopped, realizing that the wizard may have heard him, but Katz was busy staring at Muumuu with an oddly adoring expression on his face. "Oh, I wish she'd hit me with that wand," he sighed.

"WHAT?" all his captives, except for Seifer, shrieked.

The mage snapped out of his freaky reverie, realized where he was, and quickly said, "Never mind. Let's go ahead and see who's going to fight now."

He rummaged around in the hat, searching for two new names, while Vincent scratched his head and asked, "Is it me, or is the wizard really creepy?"

"He's nuts, end of story," Joey replied.

Whatever else anyone would have said remained unheard, because Katz finally pulled out two slips of paper and quickly opened them. "The fighters of the last match of the day will be Auron and Zell."

"OH YEAH!" the bubbly SeeD cheered.

"Let's get this over with," Auron said, shouldering his giant katana.

The wizard transported everyone back into the stands, where Muumuu continued to hit Seifer with her electrified wand. Auron and Zell turned to face each other, but the mage held up his hand and said, "Hold on a minute. I haven't given you your weapons yet."

"What are you talking about?" Squall wanted to know. "They already have weapons."

Katz shook his head. "No, they can't use their own weapons in this battle, so I'll give them both a new one."

He flicked his fingers and a pair of Whiffleball Bats appeared. "What the hell are these?" Zell demanded.

"Those are your weapons. You have to fight each other using those, and you'll be disqualified if you try to use your own stuff."

"Well I guess I lose, then, because I refuse to use such a stupid looking weapon," Auron said, refusing to touch the bat. "And you got rid of Seymour, so that threat won't work anymore."

The wizard shrugged. "That's true, but if you get disqualified, then you'll spend the rest of eternity believing that you're a six year-old girl."

"You can't do that!"

"Oh no? You'd be surprised at what my magic's capable of." Katz shot the swordsman a wicked grin. "I may be small, but I can definitely carry out my threats. I'm pretty sure my mother would just love to fix your hair and everything."

Auron picked up the Whiffleball Bat and muttered something unintelligible, but dire under his breath. Zell bounced up and down, waved his bat around, and shouted, "Let's go, old man!"

The fight began, and the princess stopped tormenting her prisoner to watch. Auron, now pissed, swung the makeshift weapon around and caught the SeeD with a crack to the jaw. "Whiffle!" screamed the bat, as Zell dropped to the ground.

"What the fuck? Why did it scream whiffle?" the guardian wanted to know.

"It's a Whiffleball Bat! What kind of noise did you think it was going to make?" Katz shouted over everyone else's laughter.

Zell got to his feet and took advantage of Auron's momentary distraction by grabbing the older man's ponytail and whacking him on top of the head several times with his own bat. "Whiffle, whiffle, whiffle!" screamed the SeeD's weapon, sending the spectators into paroxysms of laughter.

"Uncle Kilik, I want a bat like that!" Nightmare giggled.

"Me, too!" Mitsurugi chimed in.

The monk sighed and said, "Maybe Santa will bring both of you one for Christmas, if you're good."

"Yay!" the two childish warriors cheered.

Meanwhile, the fight continued, with Zell and Auron ducking, dodging, and whiffling one another in their attempts to beat each other senseless. The fight dragged on for what seemed like forever, but then the lively martial artist cracked his opponent on the bridge of his nose, breaking his sunglasses in the process. "You little bastard!" Auron spat in rage, "I paid 500 gil for those glasses."

"Dude, you overpaid!" Zell snickered.

Finally, the guardian's temper snapped, and he charged at his opponent. Using his weight advantage, Auron rammed Zell, and knocked him off balance. Then, he snatched the boy's Whiffleball Bat away, and proceeded to pummel him mercilessly with both weapons. The angry swordsman continued beating his adversary, even after the boy fell to the ground, until Katz finally yelled, "Auron, that's enough!"

The wizard brought everyone back into the arena, including Seifer and Princess Muumuu, and they all hurried over to check on Zell. "I just knew that Chicken-Wuss would fuck things up!" Seifer sneered.

Poor Zell was lying on the ground, unconscious, and covered in stinging welts that promised to become fantastic bruises. "Rufus, you need to shut up!" Cloud yelled. "At least he didn't get beaten by a chicken head!"

"Why don't you kiss my ass, Pinhead?" Seifer shot back.

"Be quiet, Raccoon-Boy!" Muumuu ordered, smacking him with her wand.

Seifer managed to evade her attack and yelled, "Hey Fat-Ass, why don't you just send me back to my world so I can get the hell away from this psychotic bitch?"

"Okay, I'll send you somewhere else." Katz raised his hands and shouted, "INKLE, HINKLE, FINKLE, DOO!"

The orange haired boy vanished in a puff of black, sulfurous smoke, and the wizard said, "I hope you like it hot, you stupid jackass!"

…

Seifer reappeared in a dark place full of fire and brimstone, and wondered, "Where the hell did that fat fuck send me?"

Suddenly, a huge, red-skinned man with goat legs and horns appeared and bellowed, "Welcome to Hell, little boy."

"Who are you?"

"I am Satan, and you are officially my bitch!" the Prince of Darkness replied, grabbing the ex-knight's arm.

Soon, the sounds of Seifer's torment joined the unholy cacophony of all the fallen souls condemned to suffer for all eternity.

…

"Where did you send him, Katz?" Kaiba asked, mildly curious.

"I sent him to Hell."

"That's awful!" Yugi cried, "Why would you do something like that?"

"I was getting tired of him calling me 'Fat-Ass' all the time. I'm not fat, I'm stout."

It was starting to get dark, so no one disagreed with him. Suddenly, the buffalo-drawn purple carriage showed up, and King Dingaling got out, silver bells jingling. "Muumuu, my darling daughter, did you have fun today?"

"It was okay," she replied. "I tortured a loser, watched two guys beat each other with Whiffleball Bats, and Katz sent a jackass to Hell."

"Oh, it was a typical day then. Well, shall we go back to the palace?"

The tiny princess started to climb into the carriage, but stopped and said, "Don't worry boys, I'll be back tomorrow."

With that, Muumuu and Dingaling flew off, leaving Katz and his remaining captives alone. "Well, you've all been pretty good today, so I guess you can all come spend the night at my house," the wizard told them.

"Are you sure?" Sesshomaru asked.

"Yeah, my mom's been bitching at me to bring some friends home for a while now."

That's all you get for now. I hated Seifer in Final Fantasy 8, so I decided to torture him. I hope you liked the chapter, so review and let me know how I'm doing. Oh, and if you can actually catch and tame one, then you can keep one of my now-rampaging Hell-Kittens. They're solid black with red eyes, so you'll know one when you see it.


	10. Sleepover at Katz's House

I hope many blessings rain on Chaka, Cyran, and Kiki for reviewing. If anyone out there decides to capture a Hell-Kitten, just keep in mind that all of them have poisonous fangs and claws, along with the ability to breathe fire. Anyway, here's a new chapter.

Chapter 10: Sleepover at Katz's House

"So how are we going to get to your house, Katz?" Sephiroth asked, staring at the wizard's vacuum cleaner. "I don't think that we'll all fit on that thing."

"Don't worry, you're all going to ride on my magic carpet," the tiny mage replied.

"Magic carpet? Do you really have one?" Sesshomaru wanted to know.

"No, I don't…" Everyone fell over simultaneously and performed the infamous anime sweatdrop as Katz continued to speak. "I don't have a magic carpet, but if one of you has a carpet, then I can enchant it so it can fly."

"Ooh! I've got one!" Nightmare cried, reaching down his pants again.

Much to everyone's surprise, the dark knight pulled out a large tapestry of ornate design, and proudly waved it through the air. "You can use this!"

"That's not a carpet; it's a tapestry," Kaiba growled.

"It doesn't matter," Katz told them. "It's carpet-like, so I can make it fly."

Cloud tapped Kilik on the shoulder and asked, "Where does he get all that stuff? First, a demon arm, then a rope, and now a tapestry: how does he manage to fit it all in his pants?"

"How the hell should I know?" the monk shrugged, "Every time I ask him he just tells me a bunch of nonsense about a magic pocket."

"I want a magic pocket!" Mitsurugi whined.

"You can't have one, so there!" Nightmare snapped, sticking out his tongue at the samurai.

The two childlike warriors immediately started fighting, and Squall sighed, "Katz, can we please go now?"

"No problem!" the mage grinned, raising his hands to the sky. "INKLE, HINKLE, FINKLE, DOO!"

"Man, he really needs to get a better incantation," Joey muttered, as a bolt of white light struck the tapestry, causing it to float above the ground.

Everyone climbed aboard the magic carpet, Katz boarded his vacuum cleaner, and they all flew away into the crimson light of the setting sun, leaving the arena behind.

…

A little while later, the group arrived at the wizard's house, where his mother awaited on the front porch. "Boy, where the hell have you been?" she yelled. "You know better than to run around all day without telling me where you're going to be!"

"I'm sorry, Mom," Katz muttered, staring at the ground.

She stopped and stared at her son's captives. "Who are these people, son?"

"They're my prisoners, and they've been good today, so I was wondering if they could spend the night?"

A huge, fang-filled smile spread across her face, and she said, "Of course, they can, child!" She waved them all toward the door. "Come in, come in!"

Katz and his mother walked inside, and everyone else eyed the house skeptically, but followed the wizard inside. The inside of the home was well kept, and there wasn't a speck of dirt to be found. "Wow, this is a really nice house…um, what do I call you, ma'am?" Vincent asked.

She chuckled and said, "You can just call me Mom."

The ex-Turk flinched and said, "Okay…Mom."

Mom smiled brightly. "All of you can call me Mom. Except for you," she said, pointing at Auron. "You can call me Sylvia."

"Uh, right," the guardian coughed uncomfortably, turning to Katz. "So, where are we sleeping tonight?"

"You can worry about that later," Sylvia told them. "Dinner is ready, so all of you can eat now."

She led them all to the kitchen, where various bizarre-looking dishes sat steaming on the table. "Oh wow!" Zell joyfully cried, "It sure looks good…um, Mom."

"Go ahead and dig in," she replied, grinning at the boy's exuberance.

Everyone ate in silence, except for Zell, who was quite noisy and wolfed down his food like a starving man. "Jesus Christ, Zell! You act like you're starving to death!" Squall griped, appalled at his fellow SeeD's lack of manners.

"I can't help it if her food is delicious! Besides, I haven't eaten anything since I Devoured that strange little frog-man yesterday!"

"Oh, you poor baby!" Sylvia cried, hugging Zell's head, "You sit right there and eat all you want."

"Wow, thanks!"

Everyone else hurriedly finished their meals, and Katz started to lead them upstairs, but his mother barked, "Boy! They haven't had their dessert yet, so you hold your fucking horses and wait!"

"But…but…" the wizard began.

"No buts! Don't argue with me or you're getting a spanking!"

His mother left the room, and Sephiroth said, "Aw is widdle Katz afraid of his mommy?"

"Shut up, Sephiroth!"

"Hey, I don't blame you; your mom's a psychotic bitch!"

"Don't call my mom a bitch, you fucking queen!"

Sylvia walked back into the kitchen, set down her creepy green cake, and screamed, "Katz! What did I tell you about watching your goddamn language? Am I going to have to take you over my checkered apron?"

"No, Mother," he sighed, staring at the floor again.

"Mama's boy," Sephiroth snickered under his breath.

"Kiss my ass!" Katz yelled, rounding on the silver haired villain.

"That's it!" Sylvia left the kitchen again, and returned in a black and white checkered apron, with a black B and D paddle in hand. "You're getting a spanking, young man!"

She beat her son, and when Sephiroth started laughing, she snatched him up by his silver hair, took him over knee, and spanked him, too. That, in turn, set off a chain of events that ultimately ended with everyone getting a spanking, except for Auron, who was highly disturbed by the whole ordeal.

"Now all of you can go to bed!" she shrieked, and then smiled at Auron. "You don't have to go to bed. You were the only one who behaved, so you can stay up and watch movies with me."

"No, that's quite alright," the swordsman replied, faking a huge yawn. "I'm really tired, so I think I'll go to bed, too."

Then they all hurried to Katz's room, where they quickly locked the door and hoped that they wouldn't have to deal with Sylvia for the rest of the night. "I don't see why I had to get a spanking," Sesshomaru grumbled, "I'm a centuries-old demon, and we're not supposed to be spanked by someone's mother!"

"At least she's not trying to hit on you," Vincent told him.

"You're right," the demon replied, placing his new monster hand on Auron's shoulder. "For a human, you're extremely brave, and I bid you good luck in escaping Sylvia's attentions."

"Gee, thanks," the guardian sardonically replied, suppressing a shudder.

Katz waved his hands, muttered an incantation, and several squashy red sleeping bags appeared on the floor. With another flick of his wrist, a cloud of darkness surrounded him, and when it vanished, the wizard was clad in undersized Batman pajamas. "Okay everyone, we've got a big day tomorrow, so we should try and get some sleep."

…

A few hours later, Yugi started crying in his sleep, and accidentally woke up Sephiroth and Cloud. "Hey, what's wrong with you?" the spiky haired hero asked, shaking the duelist.

Suddenly, Yami took control of Yugi's body, and said, "He's having a nightmare about…that."

"Oh, that's terrible!" Sephiroth cried, glowing green eyes filling with pity.

"He's going to wake up now, and I haven't dealt with anything like this before, so I hope that you two can help him," the pharaoh told them.

"We'll do our best," Cloud promised.

Yami relinquished his control of Yugi, and the little duelist awoke with a small scream. "Hey, Yugi, are you okay?" the ex-experiment asked, his voice filled with concern.

"I…I keep dreaming about that fight with Seymour, and I…"

Finally, the boy's violet eyes filled with tears, and he broke down in silent sobs. In an uncharacteristic act of compassion, Sephiroth put a fraternal arm around Yugi's shaking shoulders, and said, "Hey, that wasn't your fault! Seymour was a creep, and you gave that bastard exactly what he deserved!"

"But what if my hair hadn't attacked?" Yugi demanded. "If it hadn't, then…"

"Then Sephiroth, Auron, and I would have jumped in!" Cloud interrupted, his blue eyes filled with anger. "And if Katz tried to stop us, then we'd have killed him and stopped the fight anyway!"

"Yeah, so don't worry about it. That sorry son of a bitch won't come back, and if he does, we'll kill him again!" the One Winged Angel said, trying to be reassuring.

"Wow, thank you!" the little duelist exclaimed, genuinely touched by their concern.

"No problem!" Cloud told him. "Now let's get some sleep."

…

Later, Katz started to talk in his sleep, and woke up Kilik, Nightmare, and Mitsurugi. "Oh, Princess Muumuu…" the wizard mumbled, "You're so beautiful and sweet…"

"Uncle Kilik, is he talking about the scary lady?" Mitsurugi whispered, overcome by curiosity.

"Yes, he's talking about the scary lady, Mitsurugi, now go back to sleep."

"Why does he think she's nice? She was really mean to Carrot-Head, and she beat him with her sparkly stick!" Nightmare was confused.

"I don't know! He's just weird, I guess."

"If he likes her so much, then why doesn't he marry her? I don't want to marry the scary lady!" the samurai whined.

"Just shut up and go to sleep, damn it!" the monk growled. "I don't want to have to take Kali Yuga to your thick skulls to get you two to behave!"

"Okay, we'll be good Uncle Kilik," the disturbed fighters replied.

The three Soul Calibur warriors attempted to go back to sleep, but couldn't, due to Katz's incessant muttering about Princess Muumuu.

Okay, I know that this chapter probably wasn't as good as the others, but I fought my way through a hellish writer's block to write it, so be happy for me! Well, review and good luck capturing a Hell-Kitten.


	11. Boxers vs Briefs

Once again, thanks for the reviews everyone. I finally managed to capture one of my Hell-Kittens, so I'm happy about that, but I discovered that they're extremely weak against the power of any of the different types of chocolate Pop Tarts, so that's something I need to work on. Anyway, here's another session from my sick and twisted imagination.

Chapter 11: Boxers vs. Briefs

Sylvia flung Katz's bedroom door open and it smacked the wall with a resounding boom. This, of course, startled the living daylights out of everyone, except the wizard, and they all let out various gasps of surprise. The demented homemaker grinned at her son's sleepy captives and cheerfully sang, "Get up, get up, get up! The sun is in the sky! Get up, get up, get up! Time is starting to fly!"

Kaiba stumbled to the window and opened the blinds, only to see that the sun was just barely peeking over the horizon. "Lady, what the hell is your deal? It's the ass crack of dawn, and you're making us get up?"

"Shut up, Kaiba!" Katz hissed, seeing the angry look on his mother's face. "Just do as she says, or you're going to get into a lot of trouble!"

"Why don't you shove it, mama's boy! I don't have to..."

His tirade stopped there, because Sylvia stepped over the rest of the group and slapped the hacker in the face. "When I tell you to do something, then you'd better fucking do it! Don't stand there and backtalk me!" she snarled. "Now, everyone get up and come downstairs for breakfast."

The guys grumbled, but did as they she said and trudged downstairs to the kitchen. Once there, they sat down and Sylvia brought out trays of ham, eggs, toast, and various other breakfast foods and said, "Dig in, boys."

After breakfast, Katz, now sporting shiny blue-gray robes, led his prisoners outside, called the flying tapestry, and everyone climbed aboard. He then kissed his mother on the cheek and told her, "Well, I have a tournament to oversee, so I'll see you later, okay?"

She nodded and replied, "That's fine. Just let me have a little chat with Auron before you go."

The guardian eyed her suspiciously, but walked back to the porch to see what she wanted. Sylvia leaned over and whispered something in his ear, and while no one else could hear what she said, they all knew that it had to be creepy, because Auron hurried back to the flying tapestry with a strange look of apprehension on his usually stolid features. "Let's go," he said, not looking at anyone.

"What'd my mom say?" Katz asked as the tapestry and the vacuum cleaner began their slow ascent.

"She said that if we came back, that she would like to 'train' me and keep me as a pet!"

"That's...really weird," Squall announced, not knowing what else to say.

"Katz, your mother is one freaky woman!" Joey said.

"Uncle Kilik, why does Katz's mom want to keep Auron as a pet?" Mitsurugi and Nightmare asked in unison.

The monk sighed and replied, "I'll tell you two about it when you're old enough to understand."

Sephiroth shook his head in disgust and said, "Everyone who plans on camping out at the arena again, raise your hands."

Everyone, except for Katz quickly raised their hands in agreement with that, and Auron muttered, "First Seymour, and now Sylvia: I should have just stayed in the fucking Farplane."

The group arrived at the arena, and found King Dingaling's buffalo-drawn carriage waiting for them. When they landed, Princess Muumuu and her father climbed out, and she said, "I had such a nice time yesterday that I decided to come back for more."

Katz started fawning over the pink haired princess, and while everyone else waited patiently, Zell became bored and started doing backflips across the arena. King Dingaling watched the boy's gymnastics with great amusement, and finally cried, "Wizard is this boy still in the tournament?"

"No, he lost to Auron in the last match yesterday. Why?"

"I want to hire him as one of my royal entertainers." The king turned to Zell and asked, "What say you, boy?"

The bouncy SeeD scratched his head and replied, "I don't know. What's in it for me?"

"Five gold crowns a week, fancy accommodations, and all the hot dogs you can eat."

"HELL YEAH!" Zell cheered. "Sign me up, Your Majesty!"

With that, the king and the SeeD climbed into the carriage, and flew back to the castle to set the boy up in his new occupation. After they left, Yugi scratched his head and said, "Is it me, or was that a little strange?"

"Everything about this place is strange," Vincent replied. "Well, are we going to continue with this, or just stand around all day?"

Katz conjured the hat he used yesterday, and pulled out two names, but before he could announce them, Muumuu said, "I get to pick the conditions of this battle."

"What?" The prisoners gaped at her.

"The two fighters for this round will fight in their underwear," she continued, ignoring the dismay on their faces. "So Katz, who are our two lucky contestants for this round?"

"Kilik and Sesshomaru are our fighters, Your Highness," Katz said, reading the names.

She smiled evilly at the monk and the demon. "Well, you heard him; you're the 'brave warriors', so strip already!"

Kilik sighed and Sesshomaru raised his new left hand and said, "I have a question."

"And that would be?"

"What if we?re not wearing underwear" Are we supposed to fight naked?"

Muumuu gave him a speculative look, and finally told him, "No, Katz will give you some underwear."

The wizard waved his hands, a puff of gold smoke appeared, and the two combatants found themselves in nothing but their underpants. Kilik wore a pair of black briefs, while Sesshomaru wore a pair of white boxers printed with little red hearts. "This is embarrassing!" the monk cried, his face a lush crimson.

"Oh, stop whining!" the princess sighed. "You can have your clothes back as soon as the match is over."

"Do we get to keep our weapons?" the demon demanded.

"Yep, so let's get this over with, all ready!"

Katz transported everyone up into the stands, while Kilik picked up Kali Yuga and Sesshomaru grabbed Tokijin. The tiny mage nodded, and the fight began. The white haired demon lashed out with his evil sword, and the blade fired a wave of pink light at the monk. Kilik didn't try to dodge, but merely held his staff in front of him, his eyes closed in concentration. The wicked light struck the pole, flared brightly, and vanished, leaving the human unharmed.

"What happened?" Cloud wondered aloud, as the demon continued to fire experimentally at the monk. "Why aren't the attacks hitting him?"

"That's a very good question," Sesshomaru said, finally stopping his attacks and warily eyeing his opponent.

"Kali Yuga absorbs all energy, both good and bad," Kilik explained. "You can throw bolts at me all day, but it won't accomplish anything."

Then the monk and the demon attacked each other with an amazing display of skill. Sesshomaru had speed and the brute power of the arm Nightmare had given him, but Kilik had great agility and Kali Yuga's long reach to help protect him from the demon's strength. It seemed that the two were evenly matched, but finally the monk managed to get inside his opponent's guard and knocked him to the ground with several well-placed blows.

"Not bad," Sesshomaru chuckled, getting to his feet and leaving Tokijin on the ground. "I've never had a human knock me down before, but now it's time to get serious."

The demon's yellow eyes suddenly turned red and Kilik renewed his assault, hoping to finish the battle before the enemy could do whatever it was he was doing. Unfortunately, Sesshomaru evaded his attack, grabbed him by the waistband of his drawers, and gave him the notorious Atomic Wedgie. Everyone in the stands, including Princess Muumuu, winced when they saw that, and Squall said, "That poor man will never be right again!"

Kilik's temporary incapacitation gave the demon the time he needed and he vanished in a flare of blinding white light. When it faded, a monstrous white dog stood in his place, with a hideously deformed left foreleg. "Ooh, puppy!" Nightmare squealed in delight, while Mitsurugi cowered under his seat.

"Hey Kilik, I think you're fucked!" Cloud called to the monk.

"That's really mean, Cloud!" Sephiroth scolded.

"What makes you say that?"

"You're getting his hopes up! You said that you THINK he's fucked, but what you should have said is that you KNOW he's fucked," the villain explained.

"That's true," the spiky haired hero conceded.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, you bastards!" Kilik yelled, staring at the giant dog with more than a little fear.

Sesshomaru let out a thunderous bark, caught the monk in his jaws, and shook him like a rag doll. Of course, this instantly snapped the human's spine, and when the demon released him, he fell to the ground in a boneless heap. Sesshomaru changed back to his humanoid form, Katz brought everyone back into the battlefield, and Muumuu announced, "The winner is Sesshomaru!"

Katz gave the demon and the dead monk their clothes, and prepared to bring Kilik back to life. "Wait!" Sesshomaru said, putting away Tokijin and drawing Tenseiga.

"What are you doing?" Kaiba demanded. "He can't get any deader, you know."

"Just watch," the wizard told everyone as the demon waved his father's sword.

A wave of blue light poured from Tenseiga's blade, and flowed over Kilik, restoring his broken body and bringing him back to life. "Yay! You saved Uncle Kilik!" Mitsurugi cried, hugging the demon and the bewildered monk in turn.

"Why did you do it?" the defeated fighter asked. "Why did you save my life?"

"You're not bad for a human, and you didn't run away screaming, so I respect you for it," Sesshomaru explained.

"Well, at least we learned something from all of this," Joey said.

"What was that?" Yugi wanted to know.

"Boxers beat briefs, of course!" the blond duelist grinned.

Everyone groaned at that, and Princess Muumuu smacked the boy with her electric star wand. "Why me?" Katz groaned, as the duelist suffered for his horrible joke.

That's it everyone! I had a hard time deciding who I wanted to win, but after much deliberation, I picked Sesshomaru. Also, I don't own Pop Tarts, and the song Sylvia sang in the beginning belongs to my friend's mother. If this chapter was stranger than normal, it's because I'm fighting a bad cold, and my head feels like it's full of cotton balls. Anyway, review...PLEASE!


	12. Fangirls, Duelists, and Demons

Once again, thanks for the reviews everyone. Yes, Kiki, Smores are included in the chocolate Pop Tarts that defeat Hell Kittens. That's something I have to work on. I suppose that I could have had Sesshomaru fight butt naked, but considering that this plays out as a mental movie as I write it, I probably would have accidentally electrocuted myself drooling into the keyboard. Well, I won't keep you any longer, so here's the new chapter.

Chapter 12: Fangirls, Duelists, and Demons

After Kilik's brutal defeat and subsequent revival at the hands of Sesshomaru, Katz pulled out his black hat and prepared to draw two more names for the next battle. Before he could announce the names of the fighters, Princess Muumuu tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Don't look now, but it seems like we have company."

Suddenly, a large plume of floral-scented lavender smoke erupted from the ground, causing everyone to quickly back away. "What the hell is this stuff?" Kaiba growled. "Katz, did you suddenly take up an interest in girly incense"

"I didn't do it!" the wizard replied, coughing and rubbing his eyes.

"Well, if you didn't do it, then who did?" Sephiroth wanted to know.

"We did!" shouted a strange female voice.

Finally, the hideously perfumed smoke cleared, and everyone saw several bleach-blonde, bubbly girls in black commando outfits standing in the middle of the arena. "Who the fuck are you, and what are you doing in my arena?" Katz demanded.

The lead girl, who had spoken earlier, stepped forward and said, "I'm Missy, and we are the members of the IPCFGU."

"The what?"

"The Insane Preppy Commando Fangirls of the Universe, silly! We all love characters from various anime, video games, and other such things with a passion that borders on obsession. Here, have a business card."

Missy and her crew handed everyone some baby pink cards, and Joey read one aloud. "Insane Preppy Commando Fangirls of the Universe…that's all it says."

"These aren't very good business cards," Squall said, "They don't say what you do, or have a phone number, or anything."

"Oh, would you like my phone number, honey?" a pig-tailed fangirl with a Southern Debutante accent asked, sidling up to the SeeD commander and placing a perfectly manicured hand on his forearm.

"Uh…never mind!" he replied, quickly backing away.

"Anyway, why are you here?" Vincent asked.

Missy's sky-blue eyes lit up with joy, as if she had never been asked a more flattering question. "I'm so glad you asked! All right girls, on three."

The IPCFGU members formed a suspicious-looking huddle, and their eyes shone with some undisclosed emotion. "One…"

"What are they doing?" Yami, who had once again taken control of Yugi, wondered.

"Two…"

"I don't know, but it's starting to freak me out," Kilik replied with some unease.

"THREE!"

The fangirls started screaming at the top of their lungs, and poor Sesshomaru, being a dog demon, immediately covered his ears and suppressed the urge to howl. Everyone else winced, and the crazed girls began their rampage. Missy tackled Cloud, and the ex-SOLDIER toppled to the ground as the IPCFGU leader delightedly shrieked in his ear, repeatedly yelling, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!"

Nightmare and Mitsurugi ran away screaming in terror as two more fangirls chased them, and Kilik held another two at bay by poking them in their stomachs with Kali Yuga. One girl, a tiny mouse-like thing, walked up to Auron, who was slowly backing away as if she were a dangerous beast. Finally, the guardian backed up against the wall, and the tiny fangirl touched his sleeveless arm, let out an especially ear-piercing scream, and fainted dead away. Auron, trying to be somewhat nice, caught her before she hit the ground, but the girl woke up and latched onto him like an animate burr, covering his face in glittery, cherry-flavored kisses.

Meanwhile, the pigtailed girl had knocked Squall to the ground, and was doing her level best to feel the poor boy up and prevent his escape, while an extremely well endowed, stereotypical cheerleader type grabbed Sesshomaru's fluffy shoulder thing as he tried to run away. Yugi, Kaiba, and Joey were accosted by three more screaming fangirls, who pulled off their commando outfits and were now dressed up as the Dark Magician Girl, the Magician of Faith, and Gyakutenno Megami, respectively. Sephiroth and Vincent stood back-to-back; trying to fend off the attentions of even more crazed girls, but were quickly overwhelmed, due to the closeness of the incessant high-pitched squeals.

Katz watched all of this with openmouthed horror, while Princess Muumuu remained expressionless. Three fangirls approached the wizard, looking upset, and a shorthaired one poked him in the shoulder and said, "Hey, fat wizard-type dude, where the hell is Tidus?"

"Yeah, and Zell, too!" a Marcia Brady-type chimed in.

"Tidus went back to Spira, and Zell is one of King Dingaling's royal entertainers," Katz explained.

Muumuu gave the third girl a curious look, and asked, "What's wrong with you?"

The forlorn fangirl, a tall, athletic girl, sighed, "I'm a Kurama and Hiei fan, and Missy said that we had to do this before we went after them, so I'm just waiting for everyone else to get finished."

The screaming (both happy and anguished), glomping, and other molestation went on for a little while longer, until Katz turned to Princess Muumuu and said, "You DO realize that they're molesting YOUR men, right?"

She sighed, "They are harassing my property, aren't they?"

The mage nodded, and the tiny princess whipped out her star wand and in an extremely loud and bitchy voice, yelled, "HEY, YOU FUCKING SKANKS! YOU NEED TO GET OFF MY MEN RIGHT NOW, OR THERE'LL BE CONSEQUENCES AND REPERCUSSIONS THAT I DON'T THINK YOU BITCHES CAN DEAL WITH!"

The silence that ensued was deafening. The IPCFGU members all looked like had just been slapped, and Missy got off Cloud and said, "Who the hell do you think you are, trick?"

Muumuu cracked her across the jaw with the wand and replied, "I'm Princess Muumuu, but as far as you sluts are concerned, I am God, because I'm about to visit the Wrath of the Almighty on your asses! Those are MY fiancées, and the only one allowed to grope them is me!"

Missy slapped the tiny princess in the face, Sephiroth yelled "Cat Fight!", and things went downhill from there. Muumuu quickly annihilated the fangirl leader, and moved on to reduce the entire squad, except the Zell, Tidus, Hiei, and Kurama fans, into a big pile of bruised and bloody flesh. Once finished, she turned to Katz and said, "Get these motherfucking bitches out of my goddamn kingdom before I decide to get really nasty and feed them all to Hannibal fucking Lecter!"

"Okay, okay! I'll send them back to wherever it is they came from, just calm down!"

The Hiei and Kurama fangirl raised her hand and asked, "Hey, can you send us home, too?"

The wizard nodded, raised his hands to the sky, and started to make his incantation, until Kaiba shouted, "You aren't going to use that stupid 'inkle, hinkle' thing, are you?"

"No, I just came up with a new one," he replied before turning back to his spell. "IBBITEY, HIBBITEY, JIBBETY, SWIBBETY!"

The IPCFGU squad vanished in a puff of blue smoke that, thankfully, didn't have a weird scent, and the mage turned back to his captives. "So, are you guys ready to fight, or do you need my mother to kiss you all and make you feel better?"

The guys quickly recovered from their violation, motivated by the fear of having to deal with Sylvia again. "Let's go ahead and fight," Cloud said, while the others nodded in agreement. "Maybe it will help us get over what just happened."

Katz started to open the names he had drawn earlier, but then stopped and looked at Kilik. "Hey, I forgot to ask you: since you lost, do you want me to send you home, or would you like to stay and watch the rest of the tournament?"

The monk shook his head and pointed at the still-cowering Nightmare and Mitsurugi. "I'll have to stay until they're finished, otherwise no one will be able to control them."

The two mentally disturbed warriors huddled close to him and cried, "Uncle Kilik, we're scared!"

"Anyway, who's fighting in this match?" Auron demanded, trying to wipe the lip-gloss prints from his face.

"Joey and Vincent," the wizard announced, looking down at the names. "Okay, Joey gets to use his Duel Monsters cards, and Vincent can use whatever he likes, as long as he doesn't turn into a demon."

As usual, everyone except the two fighters was transported into the stands, and the match began. Joey shot Vincent a wicked grin and said, "I hope you're prepared to lose, Vampire Boy, because I summon the Red-Eyes Black…WHAT!"

The blond duelist had tossed a random card out, but what appeared was not the Red-Eyes Black Dragon. Instead, a little pink pompom with angel wings and a halo appeared and made happy noises at everyone. "Happy Lover? That's not supposed to be in my deck! Somebody switched my deck!"

Kaiba burst out laughing, and replied, "You're not the only one with tricks up his sleeve, Wheeler! I just thought I'd pay you back for trying to cover me with Crazy Glue and chicken feathers…by switching your deck with Téa's!"

"You dirty rat bastard!" Joey shouted, as Vincent pulled out the Death Penalty and put a bullet in the little pompom angel.

The ex-Turk smirked, pointed the gun at the duelist, and said, "It looks like you lose, Blondie."

"NO!" Yugi shouted, climbing down from the stands and interposing himself between the two fighters. "I won't let you do this!"

"Yugi, what the hell are you doing? Didn't I say that you can't interfere in other people's matches?" Katz demanded.

The boy replied, "Yes, I know, but Joey's my friend, and I won't let him die! Vincent, if you want to shoot him, then you'll have to shoot me, too!"

The gunman raised the Death Penalty higher and shot Joey in the head. As the defeated duelist's body hit the ground, Vincent said, "Kid, that was a noble thing, but you're not an effective human shield, since you're only four feet tall."

Kaiba found the whole thing hysterical, and continued to laugh at Joey's misfortune while Yugi muttered about heartless bastards under his breath. Katz brought everyone else back into the arena, and said, "I guess I'll just send him back home, then. Don't worry Yugi; he'll be okay once he gets there."

The wizard waved his hands, and Joey's body dematerialized into a bunch of brilliant sparkles.

…

Back in Domino City, Joey reappeared on the sidewalk in front of Tristan, Mokuba, and Téa. "Joey, what happened to you? Where did the flying monkeys take you?" Tristan demanded.

He didn't bother explaining, but handed Téa her deck and stalked off, screaming, "I'll get you for this, Seto Kaiba, mark my words!"

I hope you all enjoyed the new chapter. Yes, I will admit that I am something of a fangirl, but I wouldn't go around glomping those poor guys! Anyway, I've got to go work on improving the Hell-Kittens, so I will see you all later.


	13. Drunken Master

Wow, it seems like Chaka, Kiki, Cyran, and Semo are the only one who read this story. Well, them and Marlene, who reviews in her emails. Since they're such great reviewers, they get to join my evil army and command legions of improved Hell-Kittens, Demented Cyborg Hoboes, and Tangerine Man-Eating Elephants as we go forth and conquer the world! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA…ack… (Cough, cough, choke) Ahem, okay, I'm better now. Oh, and did anyone notice that none of the fangirls asked for Seymour in the last chapter?

Chapter 13: Drunken Master

After Joey's defeat, Katz decided to go ahead and start the next match, due to the threat of an unsanctioned fistfight between Kaiba and Yugi. He whipped out the black hat, even though there were only four names left in it, and read them aloud. "Okay, the next match is between Cloud and Nightmare."

"Well it's about damn time!" the ex-SOLDIER exclaimed, drawing the Ultima Weapon and turning to Nightmare.

"Yeah!" the dark knight cheered while waving Soul Edge in the air. "I'm gonna chop you into itty-bitty pieces and make Uncle Kilik proud of me!"

"Hey, hey, hey! Hold on one goddamn minute! I haven't told you how you're fighting, so don't be in such a rush!" Katz scolded after he moved everyone else into the stands again.

The wizard waved his hands, and suddenly two fighters were dressed up in frilly, sleeveless ballroom gowns. "What the hell is this?" Cloud demanded, plucking at the skirt of his cornflower blue dress.

"Blue is definitely your color, Cloud!" Sephiroth crowed in between howls of laughter.

"Fuck off, you chicken-headed alien bastard!"

Mitsurugi pointed at Nightmare's emerald green gown and said, "Ha, ha! You're dressed up like a GIRL!"

"SHUT UP!"

Auron tapped Katz on the shoulder and asked, "What, exactly, is the purpose of having them dress up in drag?"

The tiny wizard shrugged. "There's no real reason for it. I just thought it was funny, that's all."

"Well, it IS kind of funny," Yugi agreed.

"Of course it is. Now, let's get the rest of the event set up," he continued, waving his hands again.

The arena floor changed, and now Nightmare and Cloud were sitting on a large platform of ice in the middle of a lake. "Okay, your task for this fight is to…"

"Have a drinking contest!" Princess Muumuu interrupted.

Katz fell over and started twitching, but soon recovered and sighed, "Yes, Cloud and Nightmare are going to have a drinking contest, and if one of them hasn't passed out, or died of alcohol poisoning, then they'll have to fight and try to knock each other off the platform."

"Is that really what you planned on doing?" Squall wanted to know.

"Actually, no, but if it's what Her Highness wants, then who am I to argue?"

The mage cast another spell, and a table, two chairs, two glasses, and enough liquor to kill a regiment appeared on the ice. Cloud and Nightmare sat down, gave Princess Muumuu a baleful glare, opened up a bottle of Crown Royal, and started the drinking contest. Sesshomaru watched the two combatants toss back glass after glass of various alcoholic drinks with great interest, and asked. "Why do you want those two to get drunk?"

"I love a man who can hold his liquor!" the princess replied, her bubblegum pink eyes flashing wickedly.

And hold their liquor they did. Nightmare and Cloud polished off two large bottles of vodka, one of gin, one of Corona, 3 bottles of Jack Daniels and one of Crown Royal in the space of two hours. Surprisingly enough, the two of them were still alive after all of that, even though they were completely fried. "Are yoo gonna give up now, or am I gonna have to get sherioush?" Cloud asked, punctuating his question with a loud hiccup.

"Never!" Nightmare replied, swaying slightly. "I will…b-b-b-beat yoo, and take ALL the cookiesh for myshelf!"

"How the hell are they doing it?" Kaiba wondered, his eyes wide and voice full of awe. "They should have passed out or died by now!"

"Cloud has alien DNA in him and Nightmare's halfway a demon, so that lets the two of them easily handle what would kill an ordinary human," Vincent explained.

"So does that mean that you and Sesshomaru could get drunk like that, too?" Yugi asked.

"Yeah, along with Sephiroth, and probably Auron, too, since he's dead and all."

Princess Muumuu, finally satisfied that her two possible fiancées were extremely inebriated, turned to Katz and said, "Okay, you can let those two fight now."

The wizard took away the alcohol, gave the two of them back their swords, and the "fight" began. Cloud swung the Ultima Weapon at Nightmare's head, but missed by several feet, slipped, landed ingloriously on his rear, and immediately burst out laughing.

Nightmare said, "Here, let me help yoo up," but grabbed the ex-SOLDIER's ankle by mistake. "Wow, your head sure is tiny, ma'am!"

Cloud looked up at his foot and screamed, "Holy shit, my foot ish talking to me!"

After much laughing, stumbling, and staggering, the experiment and the dark knight managed to get up and stay on their feet by leaning against each other. They wobbled in silence at first, but soon broke into loud, and off-key, song.

"Lean on me! When you're not shtrong…" Cloud screeched.

"THEN I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND!" Nightmare finished, bellowing the words as loudly as he could.

They continued in that vein for some time, much to everyone's dismay, but finally, Cloud said, "S'cuse me, but I've got to pee."

In his attempt to find a bathroom, the spiky-haired hero walked off the platform and landed in the water with a rather large splash. "Well, it looks like Nightmare is the winner," Katz announced as he turned the arena back to normal.

"What are we going to do with those two?" Auron asked, pointing at the now blissfully snoring Nightmare and Cloud.

The mage shrugged, and replied, "I guess I can put them up in the stands and let them sleep it off while I go pick up some takeout."

"Is it lunchtime already?" Squall asked. "I didn't notice, since Zell isn't here, bitching about his stomach."

"Actually, it's almost 3 in the afternoon," Katz corrected, checking his Mickey Mouse watch. "Well, you guys just wait here, and I'll go pick up something to eat, okay?"

Everyone, except the two drunks, nodded, and the wizard hopped on his vacuum cleaner and sailed off into the bright afternoon sky.

This chapter was probably short, but that's all that I could write for this one without going off into some senseless ramble. Anyway, review and maybe I'll let you join my evil army, too.


	14. Your Mama

At this time, I'd like to thank Cyran, Chaka, Kiki, and now Aki-Reakku for reviewing. You can join my evil army and help me conquer the world using Hell-Kittens, Demented Cyborg Hoboes, Tangerine Man-Eating Elephants, and now the Italian Stallion Scallion Battalion. Anyway, here's the new chapter.

Chapter 14: Your Mama

Katz returned to the arena with several large bags full of Chinese takeout. Everyone, except Cloud and Nightmare, who were still horribly drunk, were happy to see the wizard and all the food he brought. The group sat at the table Katz conjured, and they dug into their meal with great relish. "Sho…who ish our nesht pair?" Sephiroth asked through a huge mouthful of noodles.

"Why don't you try not talking with your mouth full," Kaiba suggested, disgusted by the villain's lack of manners.

Sephiroth made a face, but swallowed his food, and repeated his question. "Who's fighting next?"

"The last two names I had were Squall and Mitsurugi, so they can fight after we finish our linner," the wizard replied.

"Linner? What's that?" Yugi asked, confused by the odd term.

"It's an afternoon version of brunch," he explained. "If you combine the words lunch and dinner, you get linner."

"Or dunch, but that sounds a little gross," Muumuu added, popping a wonton into her mouth.

They finished their meal, Katz cleared the arena, and said, "Well, let's go ahead and get this match underway, you two."

"Shouldn't we wait thirty minutes, or something?" Squall asked.

"Yeah!" Mitsurugi agreed. "Fighting on a full stomach is bad for you…I think."

The tiny mage waved his hands in a placating gesture, and replied, "Don't worry, your battle isn't going to be physical: your task for this match is to insult each other until one of you breaks down and cries."

"What?" the two combatants shrieked.

"What are they going to do: spend the match making 'Your Mama' jokes?" Auron wanted to know.

Katz looked up at the guardian and said, "Hey, that's actually a good idea! Okay, the only insults Squall and Mitsurugi can make are 'Your Mama' jokes, and the first one to cry is the loser!"

As usual, everyone, excluding the two fighters, was transported into the stands, and the SeeD and the samurai stared at each other, confusion written on their faces. Princess Muumuu gave them an impatient look and shouted, "Well, are you two gonna fight, or are you just gonna stand there and look stupid?"

Squall sighed, turned to Mitsurugi, and said, "Mitsurugi, your mother's so fat; she jumped up in the air and got stuck."

"Oh, come on!" Vincent yelled. "It's not as effective if you don't say it like you mean it."

The SeeD grew irritated and growled, "Mitsurugi, your mama's so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road!"

The childish samurai drew back as if he'd been struck, but recovered and snarled, "Oh yeah? Well, your mama's so ugly; she looked out the window and was busted for mooning!"

"Yeah, that's the spirit!" Yugi cheered, then stopped and thought about what he'd just said. "Wait, I shouldn't say things like that."

Sesshomaru patted the little duelist on the shoulder and said, "There, there. It's just the evil coming out in you…it's nothing to be ashamed of."

Meanwhile, everyone else continued to watch as the competitors continued to exchange insults with more and more fervor. "Your mama's so dumb; she thought a quarterback was a refund!" Squall bellowed, his voice threatening to crack.

"Your mama's so dumb, she pitched a fit when she found out the Coke machine won't take foodstamps!" Mitsurugi retorted.

"Your mama's so fat; she was baptized at Sea World!"

"Your mama's so dumb, they told her it was chilly outside, and she went and got a bowl!"

"Your mama's so ugly, when she was a kid; your grandmamma had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her!"

"Your mama's so fat, when she jumps for joy, people shout, 'ECLIPSE!'"

"Your mama's so fat; she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her!"

"Wow, those two are really going at it!" Katz said, watching the insults fly with unfeigned astonishment.

…

About an hour later, their voices were starting to give out, but neither of the fighters was ready to call it quits. "Your mama's…so fat…the bitch went to Sizzler's and got a group discount…" Mitsurugi wheezed.

Squall, knowing that he couldn't take much more, decided that it had to end quickly, so he put all his remaining energy into one last insult. "Your mama's so fat; after sex, I rolled over twice and was still on top of her!"

The samurai recoiled at the vehemence in his opponent's voice, and his lower lip started to quiver. "I…you…WAAH!"

Mitsurugi broke down in tears and sobbed his heart out. "You…you're mean!" he wailed, as Katz ended the match.

Kilik let out a groan of exasperation, and half-heartedly comforted his charge. "It's okay…Squall didn't have sex with your mother."

"He didn't?"

"No, because you're older than he is, and that would seriously be robbing the cradle."

"That sounds a lot like someone else we know," Sesshomaru grumbled, while Auron followed up with a fake cough that sounded an awful lot like, "Sylvia!"

"Hey, what are you trying to say?" Katz demanded.

"Oh, nothing," the demon innocently replied.

"Yeah, I bet. Anyway, Squall is the winner of the last match of the first round. Now the quarter finals are ahead, but since it's starting to get late, we should head back to the house."

"NO!" the contestants cried in unison, startling the wizard and knocking him off his feet.

"Why the hell not?"

Yugi wracked his brain for a plausible explanation. "I…um, that is to say…"

"Your mother is a bitch," Kaiba told him. "We'll stay the night here if we have to, but none of us want to go back to your house after the things she did to us last night!"

"Besides…" Muumuu began, sidling up to Katz and giving him her best 'sweet and innocent' look, "I'm _really_ enjoying myself, and I'm sure that my father will let me stay out here if you continue the tournament."

The wizard chuckled nervously, but finally said, "Okay, if it's what you want, Your Highness, then we'll stay out here and continue the tournament."

Well everyone, how was it? I don't own any of those "Your Mama" jokes: they all came from various movies, so no one can sue me for using them. I got the word linner from my friend Marlene, so that's her word, and I can't be sued for using that either, so there.


	15. Needles

Okay, thanks to everyone who reviewed, including Travithian Axile, who just reviewed for the first time. This chapter's battle was inspired by Aki-Reakku, and so they get partial credit for this. Enjoy!

Chapter 15: Needles

After the sun went down, the sky darkened, and countless stars appeared, twinkling down on the group. Katz waved his hands, and suddenly huge floodlights flared on, filling the arena with light. "All right," he began, turning to his captives and Princess Muumuu, "The matches in the Quarter Finals will go as follows: Yugi and Sephiroth, Auron and Kaiba, Vincent and Sesshomaru, and Nightmare and Squall."

"No!" shouted Yugi. "I don't want to fight Sephiroth!"

"Yeah, and I don't want to fight Yugi!" the silver-haired villain yelled in agreement.

"What the hell are your problems?" Kaiba demanded.

"Sephiroth is my friend, and I don't want to fight my friends!" the little duelist explained.

Katz stared at them and said, "Well that's all well and good, but why don't you want to fight, Sephiroth?"

"I like Yugi. If things were different, I'd like to think of him as a little brother," he replied.

The wizard sighed, and said, "Okay, I won't make you actually fight one another, but you're still going to compete."

"If they aren't going to fight, then what are they going to do?" Kilik wanted to know, comforting the still-sobbing Mitsurugi.

Katz didn't answer, but waved his hands, and a short gray hair appeared. "Their task will be to find this hair."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Sesshomaru said, looking dubious.

The mage tossed the hair on the ground, a brilliant flash of blue light sparked, and a huge pile of needles in all shapes and sizes popped into existence. "They have to find the hair in the stack of needles," he said with a wicked grin.

"Isn't that a little dangerous?" Squall asked.

"Nah, I made sure they came from a decent STD clinic instead of a crackhouse."

When everyone stopped and stared at him with looks of horror, Katz put his hands up and said, "I was kidding! You know…ha, ha, just a joke?"

"We're not amused," Auron told him flatly.

"Okay, I'm sorry! Freak out, why don't you!"

The mage muttered under his breath, and transported everyone, except Yugi and Sephiroth, into the stands next to the still-sleeping Cloud and Nightmare. "Okay gentlemen, you can use whatever means necessary to retrieve the hair, BUT you can't use your powers directly on the pile."

The two contestants began their search, and soon, both of them had severely pricked fingers. "Damn it!" Sephiroth grumbled, as he received yet another finger prick.

_"This is getting me nowhere!"_ the One Winged Angel thought to himself. _"Yugi's a really nice boy, but I'd rather not lose such a pathetic contest. Katz didn't say I couldn't use my powers on anything else: just the pile. Hmm…I think I've got an idea."_

Keeping his eyes on his task, Sephiroth sent his awareness out and touched the Jenova part of Cloud. The ex-SOLDIER's mind was still wrapped in a drunken fog, but that didn't matter. The villain pushed on his target's mind, and Cloud got to his feet and staggered out of the stands, zombie-like in his movements. _"Yes, puppet…"_ Sephiroth exulted, _"Get your spiky ass over here and help me!"_

Suddenly, Yugi notice what was happening, and within the depths of his soul, Yami snarled, _"Bastard! Sephiroth is using his power to influence Cloud to help him find the hair! Well, we'll just see about that!"_

The pharaoh spirit took over Yugi's body and used his Shadow Magic to link himself to Cloud's mind. _"What are you doing?"_ Sephiroth shrieked. _"Get the hell out of here! This is MY puppet!"_

_"Yugi may like you, you silver-haired fairy, but I don't, and I'll be damned if I let you use someone else to cheat without a fight!" _

"Oh, you want to mind-wrestle, do you? We'll you've got yourself a fight then, Buster!"

The pharaoh and the angel glared at each other, and continued the hunt for the hair, wrestling in Cloud's mind all the while. The spiky-haired hero clutched at his head as he struggled to wrest himself from their control, and finally, he started screaming in pain. "Katz, aren't you going to put a stop to this? They're going to tear Cloud's mind apart if this keeps up," Vincent said.

"Eh, let them fight it out," Princess Muumuu replied, effectively cutting off the wizard's response.

The ex-Turk glowered at her, pulled out the Death Penalty, and shot both Yami and Sephiroth in the leg. "AHH! Son of a fucking bitch!" screamed the pharaoh.

"GODDAMNIT!" yelled the villain. "I can't believe you just shot me!"

Cloud snapped out of their spell, ran back to the stands, and hugged Vincent. "Oh, you saved me! Thank you, thank you!"

"If you'll stop squeezing my pancreas, then we'll call it even," croaked the were-demon.

Katz stood up and yelled, "Hey, you two might want to finish looking for that hair before you bleed to death!"

Yami and Sephiroth ground their teeth and hurriedly sifted through the rest of the pile. A few minutes later, they both found the hair and grabbed it at the same time. "I found it!" they bellowed in unison.

"No, I found it!" Yami cried, trying to snatch it away from Sephiroth.

"Fuck off, midget!" he retorted, taking the hair and shoving the possessed boy away. "If it weren't for the fact that you inhabit Yugi's body, I'd kick your dead ass back to bum-fuck Egypt, so you'd better just back off!"

_"Yami, stop fighting with Sephiroth!"_ Yugi admonished from inside his own head.

_"But, that fucker cheated!"_ Yami protested. _"We lost because he's a cheating bastard, and you just want to let him GO?"_

_"Why not? It's not like either of us wanted to marry that bitchy princess anyway." _

"Hmm…good point."

The pharaoh turned his attention back to his opponent, who was doing a victory-hobble on his one good leg. "Fine, you win, Fairy-Boy."

"I'm SO glad you see that now," Sephiroth sneered. "Now if you don't mind, why don't you let your better half have his body back."

Yami muttered under his breath, and retreated into the Millennium Puzzle, leaving Yugi in control. The tiny duelist struggled to his feet, shrieked once, and fell down. "Okay, the match is over, so can someone PLEASE come fix my leg now?"

That's it, everyone, that's the end of Gladiator…just kidding! I don't actually know if Yami can control other people's minds with the Puzzle, but Marik could do it with the Millennium Rod, so why not? Anyway, how was it? Good? Bad? Well, if anyone else wants to make a suggestion, send it in a review and I'll see what I can do. Oh, and if I don't write another chapter for this or There's No Place Like Home (my other fic, for those who don't know) before Saturday, then Merry Christmas and all that jazz.


	16. Mimic

Well, did everyone have a good holiday? I know I said that I was accepting suggestions for battles, and I still am, but I've had this chapter floating around in my head, so this one will be an exception.

Chapter 16: Mimic

"So, do either you or Cloud want to go home now that you've lost?" Katz asked Yugi as he healed his wounded leg.

The little duelist shrugged, and replied, "Yami's pretty pissed, but I suppose I can stay for a while."

Cloud stopped clutching at his pounding skull, and shot the wizard a baleful look. "I suppose I'll stay, but could you possibly give me something for my head?"

"Stop being a whiner!" Princess Muumuu commanded, smacking the hung-over hero with her wand.

Suddenly, Nightmare sat up and started wailing, "Uncle Kilik, my head hurts!"

The demonic knight continued to bawl, until Katz finally gave up and cast a wave of yellow light at both him and Cloud. "There, that should take care of your hangovers."

Vincent clapped the mage on the shoulder, and said, "You just saved us from several hours of bitching and whining…thank you."

"Anyway, can we get on with this, or are we going to stand here all night long?" Kilik grumbled.

"Right, well the next match will be a kung fu match between Auron and Kaiba," Katz proudly announced, "But there are two conditions that have to be obeyed."

"I know I'm going to regret asking, but what the hell are they?" the hacker demanded.

"One: neither of you can use any weapons, not even mutant hairpieces, and two: you can't fight in those outfits."

With that said, the wizard waved his hands, and the two competitors suddenly found themselves each wearing nothing but baggy black pants not unlike the kind that fighters wore in old karate movies. "Wow, not bad!" Princess Muumuu murmured appreciatively, eyeing Kaiba and Auron's now-bare torsos.

"It's a good thing Seymour isn't here, or we'd have to get Nightmare to pull that rope out of his pants again," Sephiroth muttered.

"What in the Farplane is this?" Auron shouted after Katz moved the spectators back into the stands.

"I don't want either of you to have an unfair advantage, so you both get to wear those while you fight," the little mage explained. "Oh yeah! I almost forgot about your third condition."

He waved his hands, and a pair of shiny black collars appeared around the two fighters' necks. "You two have to wear these special mimic collars while you fight."

"And just what the fuck are they supposed to do?" Kaiba and Auron demanded at the same time.

Then they stopped and stared at each other with looks of horror. "We're stuck mimicking each other?" they shrieked in unison.

"That's right!" Katz grinned. "As long as you two wear those collars, you'll do the same thing that your opponent does, only as a mirror opposite…except for talking, of course, because that would be confusing. If one of you steps back, then the other will do the same, but if one of you moves left, then the other will move right, and you can't get those collars off until one of you is defeated."

"Well that's just great! Grandpa will probably break his hip, or something, and then I'll be stuck trying to limp around, too!"

"Uh, Kaiba, maybe you shouldn't keep calling Auron an old man," Yugi suggested when he saw the murderous look on the guardian's face.

"I'm not afraid this old Cyclops! I'll kick his ass and send him to the old folk's home!" the hacker snarled in stereo.

"Kid, I warned you not to fuck with me, but apparently you don't know how to listen to good advice," snapped the guardian.

He and Kaiba glared at each other for another moment, and then the fight began. Auron aimed a right hook at the duelist's head, but his fist merely crashed against his opponent's, as the collar forced Kaiba to swing his left hand in response. Then Kaiba tried a high kick, but he went off balance when Auron's foot crashed against his, and both fighters crashed to the ground. "Damn it!" they swore simultaneously. "How are we supposed to hit each other if we keep doing the same thing at the same time?"

Meanwhile, everyone else, save Nightmare and Mitsurugi, who had fallen asleep since it was way past their bedtime, watched the proceedings with great interest. Both Auron and Kaiba had bloody knuckles from all their clashes, and all their attempts to throw each other around met with disastrous, but amusing results. Finally, Princess Muumuu decided that although the match was interesting, she didn't want sit around, doing nothing, so she turned to Sephiroth, and barked, "Hey, Angel-Boy, get your ass over here and sit down!"

"No," he replied, not taking his eyes off the match.

That proved to be a big mistake, because the princess stood up, walked over to the villain, pulled out an absurdly large wooden mallet, and whacked him on the head with it. Then, she dragged him back to her seat by his ears, sat down behind him, pulled out a brush, and started stroking his hair with it. Poor Sephiroth didn't say much, because his eyes were out of focus and stars were swirling around his head. "Ooh, pretty! Twinkle, twinkle…" he murmured vaguely.

"Where in the world did you get a wooden mallet?" Squall wanted to know.

"I keep it in my dress for occasions when I don't feel like using my cattle prod," she explained, still brushing away at Sephiroth's silver hair.

Suddenly, Sesshomaru started laughing hysterically, which was extremely out of character for the usually cool dog demon. "Why are you laughing, Fluffy?" Muumuu demanded, "Your ass is next, you know."

The demon mutely shook his head, and everyone turned their attention back to the fight. Kaiba and Auron both were pretty battered and bruised now, and an end to the confrontation seemed nowhere in sight. The two opponents circled one another carefully, but since they were still in those mimic collars, every blow they threw was immediately countered by the same move, as if they'd attacked a mirror. Finally, Kaiba grew angry, and he and Auron shouted, "This is bullshit!"

Along with the cry, the hacker punched the ground, and noticed that the guardian did the same. _"Hey, that gives me an idea!"_ he thought, an evil grin spreading across his face.

Auron glared at Kaiba, but stopped when the boy raised his fist and hit himself in the stomach, forcing the guardian to do the same. "Little bastard!" he croaked, struggling to breathe. "You want to play that way? That's fine with me!"

They slowly stalked toward one another, and Kaiba steadily kept beating himself up, hoping to force the swordsman to beat himself senseless, but the swordsman, although bloody, remained conscious. Finally, they were in arms reach of one another, and Auron grabbed the hacker by the shoulders, pulled his head back, and then slammed it forward as hard as he could. Kaiba did the same thing at the same time, and their two skulls connected with a resounding crack. "Ooh, that HAD to hurt!" Katz said, wincing as the two fighters keeled over onto their backs.

Both of them lay unmoving on the ground, blood pouring out of their noses, and the mimic collars finally fell off with an audible click. "Hey, are you two okay?" Cloud asked.

"Do they look like they're okay?" Vincent retorted, before turning to the downed captives. "Hey! If you guys can hear me, you might want to roll onto your sides before you drown in your own blood!"

"Could Auron actually drown, since he's already dead and all?" Kilik wondered.

"Actually, that's a really good question," Sesshomaru replied, now having his hair brushed by the princess.

"Pretty, pretty pony!" Sephiroth cheered, still dazed by that blow to the head.

"Auron! Kaiba! One of you needs to wake up, or Katz will disqualify the both of you!" Yugi shouted.

"Yeah! You've got to the count of five, and then you both lose, and I'll be forced to turn you both into neon-green space midgets!" yelled the wizard.

He held up his hand and raised a finger. "One…"

Both fighters stirred, and struggled to get to their feet. "Two…"

Auron and Kaiba managed to stand up, but they wobbled like a couple of drunks. They eyed one another warily for quite some time, but finally, the hacker's eyes rolled back in his head, and he keeled over like a felled tree and did not get up. "It looks like Auron is the winner," Katz said, ending the match and hurrying to his captives.

The guardian turned to face the wizard; his remaining eye glazed over, and in a slightly slurred voice, said, "Kinoc? You got really short, didn't you?"

Then, Auron joined Kaiba on the ground, and Katz moved to aid them, but Princess Muumuu stopped brushing Sesshomaru's hair, and shouted, "Wait! Don't wake them up just yet!"

"But Your Highness, they've both got a concussion, and…"

"I know, I know!" she impatiently replied before pulling out a camera and grinning. "You can wake them up, but I want to take some pictures of them first."

"Why?" Sesshomaru wanted to know.

"Do you have any idea how much money women would pay to get a picture of Auron without a shirt on, even if he's covered in blood?"

That's all for this chapter! I know it took forever, but I hope you all enjoyed it. Anyway, I'm still open for suggestions for battles, if anyone's interested.


	17. The Nasty

All right, thanks for the reviews, everyone! Chaka and Kiki inspired this chapter's events, so they get credit for this, too.

Chapter 17: The "Nasty"

Princess Muumuu moved the still-unconscious Auron's arms and legs around until she had him in a pose she liked, and quickly snapped several pictures with her Polaroid camera. Katz gave her a worried look and said, "Your Highness, they both need some serious medical attention, and if we wait too long, then I'll have to let them die before I can help them."

The tiny pink princess turned her attentions to Kaiba, took several photos of him, and finally replied, "Okay, you can wake them up now."

The wizard let out a sigh of relief and a wave of cool, blue-green light washed over the two combatants as he flicked his hands through the air. "What just happened?" Kaiba groaned, sitting up and shaking his head as Katz magically returned his clothes.

"You lost your match against Auron and now you can either stay here, or have Katz send you home," Yugi explained, cheerful as always.

"I guess I'll stay here, since Wheeler will try to get revenge on me when I finally go back to Domino."

"You aren't afraid of him, are you?" Sephiroth wanted to know, having finally recovered from the mallet-blow to the head.

"Bitch, please! I just don't feel like upsetting my younger brother by kicking that stupid bastard's ass up and down the city, that's all," the hacker replied.

Katz gave his prisoners a sly look, and said, "You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say that you guys are actually enjoying being part of my evil plot."

"Well, it IS kind of funny," Kilik admitted while keeping an eye on the still-slumbering forms of Nightmare and Mitsurugi.

"Anyway, are Sesshomaru and I fighting in the next match, or what?" Vincent demanded, not wanting to admit that Drunk Cloud in a ballroom gown was the funniest thing he had seen in a long time.

Before Katz could answer, Muumuu tapped him on the shoulder, handed him a perfume-scented pink envelope, and said, "Hey, would you send this out for me?"

The wizard wordlessly took the envelope and read the address. "You really want me to send this there? He's over there, too, you know."

"Yeah, I know, but it'll be good for a laugh."

"Okay, whatever Your Highness wishes," he sighed, levitating the letter and raising his hands to the sky. "IBBITEY, HIBBITEY, JIBBITEY, SWIBBITEY!"

With a flash of lightning and a loud crack of thunder, Princess Muumuu's mysterious letter disappeared.

…

In an alternate Spira, Ria and Auron rode Snow and Shadow through a forest that, until that moment, had not seen a living human in 700 years. Where is this forest? No one knows, because the author has yet to come up with a sequel for "Broken Boundaries". The guardian and the sorceress continued to ride until they came across a meadow, where they decided to stop for the evening. Suddenly, a crack of thunder ripped through the air, startling the chocobos, and a pink envelope spiraled into Ria's lap. "What's this?" she wondered aloud as she opened it.

Inside the envelope was a letter written on satiny pink stationery, and a Polaroid of a battered, bloodied, and unconscious Auron lying on the ground, his limbs arranged in what was supposed to be a sexy pose. Ria's lips twitched as she handed her lover the photograph of himself, and she turned her attention to the letter.

__

Ria,

My father finally convinced the wizard Katz to host a tournament to find me a husband. I don't really like any of the guys he captured, though, and the one I do like doesn't know that I like him. It's a really big mess, let me tell you. Anyway, I took a whole bunch of pictures like this one to sell on eBay, and you'll be happy to know that Auron, despite his complete unwillingness to fight, Sylvia's psycho crush on him, and Katz's strange battle requirements, has made it into the semifinals. Well, this is starting to get long and involved, so I guess I'll stop here.

Later girl!

Muumuu

The sorceress looked up as she finished reading the letter and burst out laughing at the horrified look on Auron's face. "I don't remember ever being laid out in such an absurd pose," he growled.

"Actually, that's you in an alternate universe, and you're in a contest to marry a princess," Ria explained. "Apparently, you've made to the semifinals, and the princess took a whole lot of pictures like that and is going to sell them to women who'll pay a lot of money for them."

Not knowing whether to be angry, scared, or proud, Auron forced himself into a neutral expression, and said, "That's rather obscene, don't you think?"

"Obscene? Auron, you're still clothed in those pictures! I've seen you naked for crying out loud! Obscene isn't really the word I'd use."

…

Back in Katz and Muumuu's world, Cloud and Squall were busy trying to restrain Kaiba, who was enraged when he found out that the bitchy princess had taken pictures of him while he was knocked out. "Bitch, I'll kill you!" the hacker roared as he tried to squirm free of Squall's headlock.

Muumuu's eyes narrowed at the threat. "Let him go," she commanded.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" Cloud asked, just barely holding on to Kaiba's legs.

She nodded, and the SeeD and the SOLDIER released him. The duelist rushed the princess, and without turning a hair, she whipped out the giant wooden mallet and clonked him on the head with it. "Fucking idiot…" Auron muttered, rolling his eye at the whole event.

"ANYWAY!" Katz yelled, interrupting before things could go any further. "Let's get the next match started, shall we?"

"What kind of odd contest are you going to involve us in this time?" Sesshomaru asked, his face impassive as always.

The mage grinned, and said, "You and Vincent are gonna do the 'Nasty'!"

"WHAT?" shrieked everyone, except Muumuu, Nightmare, Kaiba, and Mitsurugi.

"No the fuck we're not!" Vincent yelled, his face now as red as his cape.

"Little man, despite what you may have heard about demons, I'm not like that blue-haired pervert you trapped us with the other night!" Sesshomaru growled, his eyes glowing malevolently.

"What the hell are you screaming about?" Katz asked.

"They think you want them to have feral animal sex with each other," Muumuu nonchalantly replied.

"You people really need to get your minds out of the goddamn gutter!" the wizard complained. "I wasn't talking about that kind of a contest! Damn, you guys are sick!"

"Oh? Then what did you have in mind, oh Evil One?" Sephiroth demanded.

"Have any of you guys ever watched the show 'Fear Factor'?"

When they all shook their heads, Katz sighed, "I was afraid of that. Anyway, on this show, they have people do all kinds of creepy and disgusting things, and that's what Vincent and Sesshomaru will have to do. They'll keep engaging in these mini-contests until one of them pukes or passes out, and that person will be the loser."

As usual, the mage transported all but the current fighters back into the stands and waved his hands. Suddenly, two incredibly filthy Port-A-Potties appeared, and the ex-Turk and the demon found themselves each holding a toothbrush. "Your first task in the 'Nasty' will be to clean as much of those bathrooms as you possibly can in ten minutes with the toothbrushes. Your weapons and abilities are blocked, so you'll have to do it with good old-fashioned elbow grease."

When they didn't move, Katz yelled, "Hey! You two should be grateful! If Yugi wouldn't have defeated Seymour in the first battle, you two would have had to spend ten minutes in the closet with him and not even injure him in the slightest, so don't give me those looks!"

Sesshomaru and Vincent were startled by that announcement, and promptly went to work, scrubbing those disgusting Port-A-Potties for all their worth. Finally, at the end of ten minutes, both of them emerged with a rather sickly color to their faces, but otherwise still going strong. "There, we cleaned your goddamned bathrooms!" the gunman yelled, pitching his nasty toothbrush at the wizard. "We're both still conscious, so now what do you want us to do?"

The sorcerer worked his magic again, and this time, two large glass boxes appeared. "Get into those boxes," Katz ordered.

The combatants gave him a foreboding look, but did as he said. "Now what?" Sesshomaru grumbled.

"Now you have to stay in those boxes for another ten minutes, and the same rules from before still apply," the wizard responded.

"Wait, that doesn't sound so bad," Yugi said.

Instead of replying, Katz pointed at the boxes, and a rain of every known species (and a few that weren't) of roach poured into each one. Surprisingly enough, Sesshomaru was the first one to start screaming, but he was quickly joined by Vincent…until some roaches crawled into their mouths. After that, both men were silent, and all the spectators watched the event with undisguised horror.

"EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!" screamed Cloud, turning away from the hideous sight.

Sephiroth turned green, and said, "I think I'm gonna…urk…"

The villain ran for the nearest garbage can and noisily vomited in it. Kilik tried to put on a brave front, but soon joined him in emptying the contents of their stomachs. Muumuu paled at the sight of all those roaches, but managed to keep her cool, while Yugi went into convulsions, trying to get Yami to switch places with him for a while, but the pharaoh wouldn't go along with it. Auron, too, tried to be brave, but it turned out that he was a highly suggestible person, and the sight of all those bugs made his flesh creep, so he ended up on the floor, scratching at every publicly decent spot he could reach.

Finally, the ten minutes were up, and Katz magnanimously decided to make the boxes disappear and take the roaches with them. Sesshomaru and Vincent both looked traumatized, but still neither one was ready to give up. "You…psychotic bastard!" the demon spat, desperately trying to regain his composure.

The mage gave them a friendly smile, and the tasks continued into the wee hours of the morning. The ex-Turk and the demon sniffed bottles full of super-concentrated versions of the worst smells in the universe, gave waterlogged zombies full-body massages, French-kissed the three old witches from Macbeth, and had to watch one of Dona and Barthello's kinkier "home movies". Amazingly, both of them persevered through the god-awful tasks, and only one final event remained.

Vincent and Sesshomaru suddenly found themselves seated at a large table with a gigantic plate of raw liver set in the middle. "All right gentlemen, this is your final task: eat as much of the liver as you can in five minutes. However, if you even so much as gag, you'll lose the match, and the winner will go on to the semifinals."

Katz nodded, and the final task commenced. The gunman and the Demon Lord dug into the pile of liver like starving men, but after the first couple of bites, the taste, combined with all the other things he had to endure, proved to be too much for Vincent's human side, and he ended up puking all over his side of the liver pile. "The winner is Sesshomaru!" the wizard shouted, ending the match and getting rid of the disgusting liver.

"That's…nice…" the demon began, but stopped because he started puking too.

The stomach rebellion carried on for quite some time, and when it finally stopped, everyone noticed that the sun was peeking over the horizon. "Well what do you know?" Muumuu said, mildly surprised at the sun's appearance. "We've been out here all night and the time just seemed to fly by!"

"Speak for yourself!" Vincent groaned, clutching at his stomach and praying to all the gods that it didn't decide to rebel again.

Suddenly, Nightmare and Mitsurugi woke up, and the samurai shouted, "Uncle Kilik, I'm hungry!"

"Hey, Uncle Kilik, why does it smell like peanut butter out here?" the dark knight wanted to know.

The monk chose not to answer that question, and he turned to the wizard and asked, "Do you think that you could go and get them something to eat?"

"Sure," he replied, climbing onto his flying vacuum cleaner. "Did anyone else want anything to eat?"

"NO!"

That's all for chapter 17. I hope everyone is happy because that scene with the bugs really did make my skin crawl…ugh! (Shudders) Anyway, it's now 2 o'clock in the morning, so after I post this, I'm going to bed.


	18. The Big Kaboom

Wow, I have 60 reviews! Thanks a lot, everyone! Cyran the Fox, and Alexandra Midori McClintock-Kaiba (who is also a first time reviewer) inspired the events of this chapter.

Chapter 18: The Big Kaboom

By the time Katz returned with breakfast for Nightmare and Mitsurugi, everyone else had finally recovered from the side effects of the "Nasty". "Here you go," the wizard said, handing a large white paper sack to the dark knight. "There are muffins, bagels, energy bars, and other good shit like that in there."

"Woohoo!" Nightmare cheered, digging out a blueberry bagel and handing the bag to Mitsurugi.

The two childlike warriors dug into their breakfast, and the mage turned to Vincent and asked, "Well, do you want to go home yet?"

"I suppose not, since we're supposed to be fighting Sephiroth and his absence would cause a lot of awkward questions I don't feel like answering," the ex-Turk replied.

"Hey, Katz…Nightmare and I are up next, right?" Squall inquired.

"Yeah, which reminds me, I have to get your challenge set up."

The wizard raised his hands to the sky and shouted the "Ibbety, Hibbety" incantation, but this time something seemed different about it. The sky turned a weird lime green color, and deep violet clouds streaked across it in an erratic fashion. "What the hell is going on?" Kilik yelled, as Nightmare and Mitsurugi tackled him in their attempts to escape the scariness. "The energy levels are going crazy!"

"What the fuck did you do?" Sesshomaru demanded, rounding on the mage.

"I don't know! I just cast the spell just like I always do!" Katz replied as the wind started howling.

"Maybe it's because you've been casting spells left and right for the past few days!" Muumuu suggested, shouting to make herself heard over the wind.

Then the sky exploded in a burst of light and force, and everyone blacked out.

…

A little while later, Auron was the first one to wake up, and the first thing he saw was a pair of clunky brown shoes. "Mama Mia! Are you okay?" called a heavily accented voice.

The guardian slowly got to his feet and stared at the stranger. He was short, maybe an inch taller than Katz, with blue overalls, a red cap and shirt, white gloves, a huge honker of a nose, and a cheesy black moustache. "Who are you?" Auron asked, not sure what to think of the newcomer.

"It's-a me, Mario!" he replied, as if that explained everything.

"Who?"

Everyone else got up, and Cloud stared down at the plumber, and, to Auron, said, "Who the hell is this guy?"

"I don't know. He just said his name is Mario."

"Yeah, he's from the Mushroom Kingdom, and I brought him here to help out with the next match," Katz explained, before turning his attention to the plumber. "Mario, were you fighting with Bowser again?"

"No, he's-a on vacation…why?"

"Because my magic went all wonky when I brought you here."

"Oh, well, that might-a be because of that," Mario replied, pointing at the ground behind Muumuu.

Lying on the ground was what looked like a small child with lime green skin, pointy ears, and long, dark purple hair. "What the fuck is this thing?" Sephiroth wondered, walking over and nudging the creature with his foot.

"It doesn't smell like a demon," Sesshomaru said, staring at it.

"It kind of looks like an elf, don't you think?" Yugi asked Kaiba, who was still nursing a headache from when Princess Muumuu whacked him with her absurdly large mallet.

Before he could respond, however, the little creature opened its watermelon colored eyes and hopped to its feet. "Hi, everyone! I'm Fufu the Infected Elf!" it cheerily announced in a high-pitched, childlike voice.

"Fufu…the Infected Elf?" Muumuu said, warily backing away from it.

Fufu ignored her and walked up to Kaiba. "Are you Seto?" it asked, looking up at the duelist with a hopeful expression.

"Yeah, what of it?"

Suddenly, Fufu's expression became insanely joyful and it let out a delighted shriek as it glomped Kaiba. "WHEEEEEEEEE!" it happily screeched, rubbing its head against his chest as he toppled to the ground. "Seto, Seto, SEEEEEEEETTTOOOO!"

The little elf's voice grew even louder, forcing everyone to cover their ears in pain. "Somebody get rid of that thing, quick!" Kilik shouted as Mitsurugi and Nightmare started bawling like little babies.

Finally, Katz waved his hands around and Fufu vanished in a puff of red-orange smoke, hopefully sent back to wherever it came from. "What kind of elf was that supposed to be?" Yugi wanted to know, helping Kaiba to his feet.

"I think it said that it was an Infected Elf," Muumuu replied.

"Infected? Infected with what?" Auron demanded.

"Elf Pox. When Fufu touched Kaiba, it passed it to him, and then Yugi touched him, so now he's infected, too."

"WHAT?" the duelists shrieked as bright blue spots started popping up all over their bodies.

"Nobody touch them!" Katz ordered, creating a mobile barrier around the two sick boys. "If anyone touches them while those spots are on them, they'll get Elf Pox, too!"

"Are…are we going to die?" Yugi asked, his eyes filling with tears.

"No, but you two are going to be completely miserable for the next week or so."

"What, you mean there's NO CURE?" Kaiba demanded.

"Yeah, you'll just have to wait until it runs its course, I'm afraid."

Finally, Mario lost his patience and shouted, "Hey, why did you bring-a me here?"

Startled, the wizard turned around and stared at the usually good-natured plumber. "Oh, right, sorry! Like I said earlier, I need your help with the next match in the tournament." He waved his hands around, and the arena transformed into a baseball diamond. "Do you think you could go stand on the pitcher's mound for me?"

Confused as hell, Mario obeyed the request and trotted to his designated place. Meanwhile, Katz turned to Squall and the still-sniffling Nightmare and said, "Your task for this round is to play 'Homerun Derby', only it's going to be a little different from what you're used to."

"Yay! I like baseball!" the dark knight cheered, finally drying his tears.

"Right…" Squall trailed off, giving Nightmare a sidelong look. "Anyway, I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what's so different about this time?"

"I'm so glad you asked! First, you'll both have to use your weapons in place of real baseball bats, and second, you won't be hitting baseballs."

"Then what are they supposed to be hitting?" Vincent asked, watching Yugi and Kaiba scratch at their itchy blue Elf Pox welts.

The wizard flicked his fingers and a huge basket of little round black objects appeared on the pitcher's mound beside Mario. Then, one appeared in Katz's hand, and he held it up for everyone to look at. Besides being round and black, the object also had stubby legs, white eyes, and a fuse sticking out of the top. "What is that?" Mitsurugi wanted to know.

"This is a Bob-omb," the mage replied, as if that explained everything.

"What the fuck is a Bob-omb?" Muumuu demanded.

"Bob-ombs are creatures that inhabit the Mushroom Kingdom. They usually just wander aimlessly about, but they explode violently if they're provoked or subjected to a sudden impact. Watch this."

Then Katz chucked his Bob-omb toward first base, and it exploded in a cloud of fire and smoke when it hit the ground. "I brought Mario here because he knows how to handle Bob-ombs, and he'll pitch them at Squall and Nightmare, while they try to hit a homerun with their weapons, and they'll keep going until one of them is unable to continue."

"Hey, isn't that a little dangerous?" Cloud asked.

"Yes, but I'm sure you figured that out already." The mage moved everyone who wasn't competing into the stands, but this time transported the contagious Kaiba and Yugi to some seats a little ways from everyone else and reestablished the barrier around them. "Okay, you can start now."

Squall pulled out his gunblade, Lionheart, and started the match. Mario pitched a Bob-omb at him, and the SeeD swung his weapon, smacking the little explosive and sending it flying into the crater that used to be first base. "Hey, Katz, these Bob-omb things don't fly very far, do they?" he asked, turning to give the wizard a baleful look.

"Just because I said it was like 'Homerun Derby' didn't mean you were actually going to be able to hit a homerun! Do I really look like I want you blowing my arena to pieces?"

Then it was Nightmare's turn, and Squall had to get out of the way before the demon-possessed knight could accidentally behead him with Soul Edge. Of course, it didn't matter, because the mentally disturbed Soul Calibur character missed his Bob-omb and it exploded when it struck the ground behind him. The inevitable explosion knocked both combatants off their feet and singed them pretty badly. Kilik turned to Katz and asked, "Hey, can I have some earplugs?"

"Why?"

"Because I have a feeling that this is going to be a long AND noisy match."

…

A couple of hours and several baskets of Bob-ombs later, Squall and Nightmare were still competing, and were both covered in dirt and burn marks. It was the dark knight's turn again, and for some obscure reason, he decided to swing the Soul Edge left-handed. Mario chucked yet another Bob-omb, and Nightmare managed to hit it, but due to his change in batting stance, the little explosive flew wildly off to the right…straight into Squall! The bomb made a direct hit, and the unfortunate SeeD commander was blown to bits. "Holy shit!" Nightmare shrieked, dropping Soul Edge and running to Squall's tiny, charcoaled pieces. "I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"

"Nightmare, watch your language!" Kilik scolded, as Katz ended the match.

"Does he really look like he's okay?" Auron wanted to know.

Sephiroth rushed over to Squall's "corpse", poked it several times with the Masamune, and gleefully shouted, "Ooh, toasty! Poke, poke, poke…"

Then Katz cast a spell and brought Squall back to life. Unfortunately, Sephiroth was still poking the SeeD with his sword, so he ended up with several stab wounds when he woke up. "Damn it! What happened to me?" Squall asked, sitting up after Sesshomaru dragged Sephiroth away.

"Nightmare won after he accidentally blew you up," Princess Muumuu replied.

"Hey, can-a I go home now?" Mario asked, sauntering over. "I have to get back to Peach."

"Okay, sure," Katz replied, making the plumber disappear with a flick of a finger, and sending the basket of Bob-ombs with him.

…

Mario reappeared in the Mushroom Kingdom, just outside Princess Peach's castle. _"I hope Peach isn't too angry with me for disappearing on her,"_ he thought as he opened the front door and walked inside.

"Peach! I'm-a back…" he started to say, but he stopped when he saw what was going on.

Princess Peach and Luigi were standing in the middle of the entrance hall, kissing each other passionately. "What the hell is going on?" Mario roared, losing his accent in his anger.

The princess and the sidekick sprang apart and stared guiltily at the plumber. "Mario, you were gone for so long, and I was so lonely, and…" Peach began, but Luigi stepped in front of her and shook his head.

"Peach, you don't have to explain anything to him," he said. "Mario, I'm-a tired of being your sidekick! Peach loves me, and we're-a gonna be together whether you like it or not!"

Before Mario could respond, however, the basket of Bob-ombs fell out of the ceiling and exploded, sending him, Luigi, and Peach sailing into the sky. "Luigi, when we land, I'm-a gonna kick your big green ass!"

Mario, Luigi, Peach, Bob-ombs, and the Mushroom Kingdom belong to…Nintendo, I guess, so I don't own them. I don't know if that was the kind of Infected Elf Alexandra had in mind, but it was the best I could come up with. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter.


	19. Warped

Before I start, I want to go ahead and make my latest disclaimer before I forget again. As of chapter 17, I have not picked the winners of the matches. I have left that up to my reliable, unbiased source, since she has only seen "Yu-Gi-Oh!" and has no experience with any of the other characters in the story, so I am completely guilt-free! There, now that that's off my chest I can get started.

Chapter 19: Warped

"Well, what are we going to do now?" Yugi asked while scratching at one of his bright blue Elf Pox welts.

"First, you and Kaiba are going to stop scratching at your bumps, otherwise you'll get really bad scars and end up hideous for the rest of eternity," Katz replied.

"But they're so damn ITCHY!" Kaiba complained.

Suddenly, Nightmare waved his huge demon arm in the air and shouted, "Ooh! Pick me, pick me!"

Everyone stared at the mentally disturbed knight, and Kilik sighed, "Okay Nightmare, what is it this time?"

"I got something that can make the itchy go away for a while!" he triumphantly announced, reaching down his pants as he did so.

"You know, I get freaked out every time I watch that," Squall said as Princess Muumuu kindly bandaged the stab wounds he received, courtesy of Sephiroth's Masamune blade.

"Yeah, I know, but he says he has a 'magic pocket', and he HAS pulled out some strange shit, so I guess it's true," Kilik replied.

Finally, Nightmare finished rummaging around in his pants and pulled out a pink plastic bottle. "Its calamine lotion and it will make the itchy go away," he said, chucking the bottle in Yugi and Kaiba's direction.

The two duelists stripped off their shirts and gratefully started rubbing the pink lotion all over their skin, and Katz turned to Squall and asked, "Hey, you're the last Final Fantasy VIII character left, so do you want to go home, or stay here?"

The SeeD commander thought about it for a moment, but finally shook his head and replied, "I guess I'll stay here, since this is the most interesting thing I've been involved in since the fight with Ultimecia."

The wizard nodded and turned to the rest of the group. "Very well, does anyone else have any questions before we start the semifinals?"

"Me! I do, I do!" Mitsurugi shouted, jumping up and down like a wild thing until Katz acknowledged him. "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound?"

"How in bloody flaming fuck would I know that? Do I look like God to you?" the mage snarled.

"Hey, that reminds me: why is it that you brought Squall back to life, but left Kaiba and Yugi with Elf Pox?" Vincent suddenly piped up. "Couldn't you just heal them, or something?"

"Actually…no, I can't. I can heal a wound, but the only way I can get rid of a sickness is if they die and I bring them back from the dead. Come to think of it, I think God's probably pretty pissed off at me for bringing people back, too, but oh well."

"That's…really weird," Cloud said, staring bemusedly at the tiny wizard.

"You know Spikes, you shouldn't talk about people being weird, since you use a hundred bottles of hair mousse every day and also happen to be a closet transvestite," Muumuu replied, finishing her work on Squall.

Cloud looked as if he wanted to say something, but then he thought better of it and shut his mouth. Then Katz cleared his throat and said, "Are there anymore questions, or can we finally get on with the next match?" No one answered, so he continued to speak. "Good. The next two contestants in the tournament are Auron and Sephiroth, so would you gentleman be so kind as to move away while I move everyone else again?"

After the mage finished his teleportation spell, Sesshomaru tapped him on the shoulder with his new demon arm and said, "Wouldn't it be easier to just move the fighters into the ring from the stands, instead of the other way around?"

"Shut up! I…uh…I need to practice moving large groups of people around. Yeah, that's it!"

"ANYWAY!" Sephiroth shouted, interrupting Katz's lame excuse, "Are you gonna tell us what fucked-up thing we're supposed to be doing, or are you just gonna sit up there and play with yourself all day long?"

"FINE, JACKASS! You and Auron are going to do battle while under the 'Warp'."

"What?" Muumuu gasped, completely taken aback by that announcement. "Katz, you actually know how to do that? I'm seriously impressed!"

Katz blushed furiously, and Yugi said, "I know this is probably going to sound stupid, but what the hell is the 'Warp'?"

"The 'Warp' is a powerful spell that distorts the fabric of space-time within a specific area," the usually bitchy princess softly replied. "If Katz can make it encompass the entire arena, then he's more powerful than any other wizard I've heard of."

"Hey, Katz, can you really control a space that big?" Vincent wanted to know.

"Yeah, but I've never actually tried it with anyone inside the area before," he doubtfully replied. "Well, if it goes wrong, I _think_ I can put Auron and Sephiroth back together."

"Oh, well _that's_ reassuring!" the guardian replied, pulling out his own Masamune. "Well, is that the only condition, or did you have something else in mind?"

"Nope, that's the only one, but let me warn you: while you're in the 'Warp', past, present, and future all exist at the same time, and all alternate realities are open, so I have absolutely no idea what you two are going to face in there, and you won't be able to get out until I dispel it, either. Well, best of luck gentlemen."

Katz raised his hands above his head, and a fierce look of concentration masked his face. His entire body began to glow with a psychedelic aura, and Nightmare reached forward to touch him, whispering, "Ooh, pretty!"

Before the twisted knight could reach his goal, Muumuu whipped out the giant mallet, whacked him in the head, and hissed, "Idiot, if you break his concentration now, we'll all get sucked into the gap between dimensions and be tortured by possessed My Buddy and Kid Sister dolls for all eternity!"

"Are you serious?" Kaiba demanded as he rubbed more calamine lotion on his welts. "Will that actually happen?"

"Hell, I don't know, but it sounds absolutely terrifying, no?"

Suddenly, a pulse of dark light erupted from the ground between Sephiroth and Auron, followed by a wave of freezing fire. "Holy shit! We're being attacked by a paradox!" screamed the One Winged Angel as he threw his arms over his head.

"Shut up, we're not being attacked!" the guardian growled as a bubble of shining darkness surged over them. "This doesn't even hurt, you big baby!"

Finally, the impossibilities stopped erupting, and the bubble formed a huge, dark but transparent dome with edges perfectly aligned with the preexisting wall. His work finished, Katz slumped into his seat and sighed heavily. "The 'Warp' is finished, so you guys can start now. I managed to time the shifts so that they'll happen every minute or so, but I can't say what'll happen."

Auron and Sephiroth looked at each other, but didn't see anything wrong with the surrounding area, so they just shrugged their shoulders and charged toward each other, until…

__

…Flash…

The two swordsmen found themselves back in their starting places, but now a young Japanese boy stood between them. The boy stared at them for a moment, but then his gaze alighted on their swords and he started babbling excitedly. "I can't understand him, can you?" Sephiroth said to Auron.

"I'm not even from this world, so how the fuck am I supposed to know what he's saying?"

"He's saying he really likes your swords and wants to make some like them when he grows up," Sesshomaru shouted down at them.

"Well, who the hell is he?" Sephiroth shouted back.

__

…Flash…

The scenery shifted again, but this time, no one was standing between them. "Hey, Sephiroth, what happened to your clothes?" Cloud yelled, trying to suppress his laughter, "You look like a pimp!"

"What?" Sephiroth looked down at himself, and saw that he now wore a lime green suit with black loafers, a royal blue silk shirt, a forest green tie, a bright blue feather boa, and more gold jewelry than any grown man has a right to wear. Atop his head was a lime green hat with an enormous feather that matched the boa, and his sword was now a cane. "Well, I'll be damned, I _am_ a pimp!"

Then he looked up at Auron, and nearly fell over laughing. "Auron! Take a look at yourself, quick!" he managed to gasp between guffaws.

The legendary guardian let out a horrified yell when he saw what happened to his clothes. Instead of his usual red coat and the like, he found himself in a short, black leather skirt (not a mini, I'm not that cruel), fishnet stockings, black thigh high boots with four-inch heels, a black tube-top, a tiny red-sequined jacket, and enough silver bracelets to stock a jewelry store! "NO…FUCKING…WAY!" he roared, trying not to lose his balance in his slutty boots.

"Quick Muumuu, take a picture!" Sephiroth the Pimp crowed, tears of mirth streaming down his face.

"You'd better not…"

__

…Flash…

Another shift and it was Sephiroth's turn to pitch a fit. The pimp suit had transformed into a fluffy pink moogle costume with a glowing red heart on its tummy and a giant candy cane in its hands. "What the fuck is this?" he demanded, but stopped when he heard the revving of an engine.

Sephiroth the Moogle looked up, and Auron the Cross-dressing Whore was transformed into Auron the Biker, with blue jeans, lots of black leather, and a vintage Harley-Davidson to top it all off. Auron grinned evilly, revved the engine again, and proceeded to mow down the helpless moogle as he attempted to defend himself by swinging the candy cane, which didn't really help.

__

…Flash…

Auron and Sephiroth ran around the arena as fast as they could, trying to escape from a ten-foot tall Seymour.

__

…Flash…

Sephiroth and Auron were both little eight year-old girls, engaged in a hair-pulling contest.

__

…Flash…

Sephiroth and Auron were transformed into a Tyranitar and a Rhydon, respectively, and were engaged in a Godzilla-like wrestling match.

__

…Flash…

Auron and Sephiroth were a pair of Battle Bots, and somehow both of them managed to knock each other's heads off at the same time.

__

…Flash…

Now they were both wizards with dark blue robes, long silver beards, and pointy hats. Sephiroth cast Bolt 3 and knocked Auron on his ass…

…

About twenty flashes later, Kilik said, "Hey Katz, don't you think this is enough? I mean, it's pretty hard to defeat someone when you keep transforming every minute or so, don't you think?"

The wizard thought about it as Auron and Sephiroth engaged in a contest to see who could piss off Bob Ross and make him lose his cool. "Yeah, I suppose you're right. I'll change the 'Warp' so that the next shift will last for an hour, but one of them better win, or they'll have to engage in a thumb-wrestling match, because this won't last much longer."

"Go, Sephiroth, go!" Yugi cheered, wildly waving his hand from behind his and Kaiba's anti-contagion barrier.

Suddenly, Yami took control of Yugi's body, and shouted, "Go, Auron! Kick that fairy's skinny ass!"

"You two are really disturbed, did you know that?" Kaiba grumbled before turning his attention back to the fight.

__

…Flash…

Auron and Sephiroth stood in the arena, backs facing each other, but nothing seemed to be wrong. Everyone looked around the arena to see if anything had changed, but could find nothing out of the ordinary. Sephiroth opened his mouth and said, "Well, this is rather anticlimactic…uh-oh."

The voice that came out of the villain's mouth was not his, but Auron's. "Uh-oh, what?" Sephiroth demanded, turning around and freezing in his tracks when he saw himself staring back at him.

Apparently, the final shift placed Auron's soul in Sephiroth's body, and vice-versa. "GODDAMNIT!" the dark angel turned guardian bellowed. "What the fuck just went wrong?"

"Oh shit!" Mitsurugi said, neatly summing up the seriousness of the situation.

"Watch your mouth, Mitsurugi," Kilik scolded, but his heart clearly wasn't in it.

"Katz, what are we going to do now?" Vincent wanted to know. "We can't make them fight each other like this, because they would refuse to hurt themselves, but if we tell them that their original body could win the fight for them, then they would both just commit suicide, and that wouldn't really work, either!"

"I really don't know what to do!" Katz replied as he dispelled the 'Warp'. "I mean, I've never used the spell while there were actual people inside, so I didn't really think that something like this would happen!"

"Well, you'd better think of something!" Auron shouted, "I don't want to end up stuck in Sephiroth's body for the rest of eternity!"

"Wait, I've got an idea!" Muumuu cried, "What we can do is kill the both of them, and have Sesshomaru use the Tenseiga to bring them back to life. That should give their souls the chance to return to their original bodies, and whichever one of them gets up first can be the winner!"

"No! I don't want to die, damn it!" Sephiroth groaned. "I've already got Pinhead, Vampire Boy, and the rest of the Pebble Slide trying to kill me back on my own world!"

"Well, it's either that, or be stuck in Auron's body, and he's already dead in his world, so I guess you're just fucked either way!" snapped the princess.

The transposed fighters sighed, but finally relented, and Auron rolled his eye and said, "Fine, kill us and get it over with."

"Sesshomaru, would you care to do the honors?" Katz asked.

The dog demon shrugged, but drew Tokijin anyway, and the wizard stepped out of his path. He swung the evil sword once, and a wave of sickly red light shot out of the blade and incinerated both swordsmen. Next, he pulled out the healing sword, Tenseiga, but before he could swing it, a cloud of pyreflies descended onto the ashes of Auron's corpse, and the guardian's body regenerated. He sat up, shook his head, and said, "Damn, I hope I never have to do that again! I don't see how Seymour could stand doing it more than once, because that was really painful!"

"Wasn't Seymour a masochist anyway?" Cloud asked as Sesshomaru snapped out of his momentary confusion and revived Sephiroth.

"Hmm…good point."

"Hey, what happened? I thought you were going to revive us at the same time?" Sephiroth demanded, giving the white haired demon an accusing glare.

"It's not my fault that Auron spontaneously regenerated his body!" Sesshomaru defensively replied.

"I'm dead, remember? I was sent on Spira, but Katz dragged me out of the Farplane, so now I'm an unsent again, and until a summoner sends me, I can come back as many times as I want."

"Fucking zombie…" Sephiroth muttered under his breath as everyone returned to the arena floor.

Suddenly, Kaiba and Yugi both screamed, and everyone quickly turned around to see what was wrong. "Hey, what'd you two scream for?" Katz wanted to know.

"Oh my…" Muumuu snickered, "Look at their spots…they're purple!"

Sure enough, the Elf Pox infected duelists were covered head-to-toe in lurid purple dots. "It had to be that damned calamine lotion Nightmare gave us!" Kaiba grumbled. "It must have an odd reaction to the Elf Pox!"

"Well, at least we aren't itchy anymore," Yugi brightly replied.

Wow, that was actually somewhat long! Anyway, for those who don't know: My Buddy and Kid Sister Dolls came out around the same time as "Child's Play", and they're scary-looking as all get out! Tyranitar and Rhydon both belong to whoever owns Pokemon, so I don't own them, and Bob Ross is the guy from the old "The Joy of Painting" series. He's obsessed with happy lil' clouds and trees. Oh, and if anyone can guess who the little Japanese boy is, I'll post your name in the next chapter and you'll win 50 invisible dollars along with some other useless crap. Here's a hint: he has something to do with both Auron AND Sephiroth.


	20. Attack of the Random

Well the results are in, and Kiki is the winner of the contest. (Throws confetti) The little boy in the last chapter was the legendary swordsmith Masamune, and now I'll give the winner her prize! (Hands Kiki 50 invisible dollars, a big bag of assorted Pop Tarts, a Hell-Kitten, plushies of the entire cast of Gladiator, and a giant Bob Tonberry plushy) No, I didn't forget about anyone else who answered, and here's a prize for them. (Hands out 25 invisible dollars and a George Cactuar Plushy)

Chapter 20: Attack of the Random

Everyone stared in utter amazement as Yugi and Kaiba's Elf Pox welts slowly began to change colors, due to an allergic reaction to Nightmare's calamine lotion. The two duelists' spots lazily shifted from blue to purple, and then to green and orange, and continually shifted from there. "Hey Katz, are those spots supposed to do that?" Kilik asked, staring at the changing welts with suspicion.

"How the fuck should I know? Infected Elves don't even exist in this dimension, so the subject's never come up before!"

"Well, Yugi said that the spots don't itch anymore, so let's just leave them alone and maybe nothing else will happen," Muumuu brightly suggested. "Besides, my father will probably show up before long, wanting to know why I never checked in last night, and I want to see the rest of the tournament before that happens."

"Hey, aren't Sesshie and Stupid-Head supposed to fight next?" Mitsurugi wanted to know.

"Don't call me Stupid-Head, you big dorkface!" Nightmare shouted.

"My name is NOT Sesshie!" the dog demon snarled as his eyes turned red. "I will only answer to Sesshomaru…preferably in the form of 'Lord Sesshomaru' or 'Sesshomaru-sama'. If anyone else calls me 'Sesshie', 'Fluffy', or any other absurd nickname, I will rip out their spine and beat them to death with it!"

Everyone stared at him in slightly fearful silence, and finally Katz broke the tension. "Now that that's out of the way, let's start the next fight, shall we?"

"Fuck you and your next fight!" Sephiroth yelled, still sulking over his loss in the previous battle.

"Hey, don't take it out on Katz!" said Cloud. "It's not his fault that Auron spontaneously came back to life! Hell, it wasn't even his idea to kill you both at the end of the last match!"

"You know what? You're absolutely right for once in your life, Cloud…it's all the Princess-Bitch's fault!"

With that, the silver haired villain turned and launched himself at Muumuu, all set to cut her down where she stood, but she whipped out the giant mallet and the electric wand and quickly pummeled him until he cried uncle. Then, without a word, she did the same thing to Cloud, and finally ended it with Vincent. "Okay…I get why you beat up Sephiroth, and I sort of understand why you bludgeoned Cloud, but why the hell did you do that to Vincent?" Squall demanded, all the while making sure he was out of the princess' reach.

"Eh, I just figured that I would even things out and just beat up everyone from the Final Fantasy VII cast. You should just be glad that Whiffle-Boy and Jackass aren't still here, or I'd do the same to you!" Muumuu replied.

"Anyway, can we get this over with, or are we going to just sit on our asses all day?" Auron sighed, quickly losing his patience.

"All right, I'm going, just don't have an aneurysm!" Katz said, before turning to Nightmare and Sesshomaru. "Okay, you two are going to have a match similar to the one Auron and Sephiroth just completed, but instead of fighting each other, you two will just stand there and see how many attacks you can withstand, and whoever lasts the longest will go on to face Auron in the final round."

"Wait, are we gonna have to do the warping thing, 'cause I don't wanna end up in Fluffy's body!" Nightmare whined, pissing off his opponent in the process.

"Goddamnit, stop calling me Fluffy!"

Katz ignored the demon's shout of rage and said, "No, you don't have to worry about that. Instead, I'm going to spin the Wheel of Random, and whatever it stops on will determine what kind of attack you two will face."

"Wheel of Random? There isn't any wheel out here, so what the fuck are you talking about, mama's boy?" Kaiba yelled as his Elf Pox welts turned a rather odd shade of silver-green.

The wizard gave the duelist a baleful look, but said nothing as he waved his hand and made a puff of rainbow smoke appear. When it cleared, a huge wheel much like the one from the game show "Wheel of Fortune" appeared, only this one had various pictures printed on the spaces instead of numbers. "This is the Wheel of Random, and as soon as everyone stops asking me stupid questions or making smart-ass remarks, then I'll move everyone into the stands and start the next match!"

Kaiba looked as if he was going to say something, but then Yugi lost his temper, turned to his rival, and at the top of his lungs, screamed, "KAIBA WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO THE WHOLE UNIVERSE A FAVOR AND SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE IN YOU WORTHLESS LIFE! WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR EVERY SMART-ASS COMMENT OR RUDE INSULT THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD, SO JUST KEEP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH CLOSED AND LET US FINISH THE GODDAMNED TOURNAMENT IN PEACE AND FUCKING QUIET!"

When the little duelist finished his rant, everything in the entire universe seemed to stop for one long moment, and the only sound that could be heard was the chirping of some nearby crickets that weren't affected by the rage attack. Kaiba just stared at Yugi as if he'd just been slapped in the face, and then Yami took over again and whispered, "Holy shit! I can't believe he just said that! I mean, yeah, he's been thinking it for quite some time now, but I never thought he'd actually SAY it!"

Suddenly, everything restarted again and everyone heard a strange sniffling sound. "Hey Kaiba, are you crying?" Vincent asked when he determined where the sound was coming from.

"No…I've just got something in my eye, that's all," he replied, still sniffling.

"Wow Yugi! You really need to vent more often!" Cloud said in wide-eyed shock. "It's not good to keep something like that bottled up."

Instead of saying anything, Katz just went ahead and transported everyone except for Sesshomaru and Nightmare into the stands. "Are we starting the match now?" the white haired demon asked, staring up at the wizard.

"Yeah, and all you two have to do is just stand there and try to survive the attacks," the tiny mage replied as he spun the Wheel of Random. It spun and spun, and eventually came to a stop on a frosty looking blue wedge. "Okay, here comes your first attack!" he announced.

Then a bunch of enormous ice shards fell from the sky, and behind them descended a beautiful woman with diamond white skin, light blue dreadlocks, and very little in the way of clothing, except for a blue cloak, which she threw away when the ice exploded. "Who is this?" Sesshomaru asked, staring at the bizarre woman.

"That's Shiva, the Aeon of Ice," Auron explained.

"Oh, is that why her booby is frozen?" Nightmare wanted to know, trying to look innocent, but failing utterly.

"Nightmare, you'd better stop staring at Shiva's chest before I tell your Auntie Ivy and she gives you a spanking!" Kilik threatened.

Mitsurugi then tapped the monk on the shoulder, and said, "Uncle Kilik, I thought that everyone liked getting spankings from Auntie Ivy anyway?"

"Oh yeah… Well, then I'll get your Auntie Sophitia on you, then!"

Nightmare started to whine, but the ice aeon suddenly sent a frozen wind at him and Sesshomaru, causing spires of ice to build up until she made them explode with a snap of her fingers. Both fighters fell to the ground, but managed to get up again as the frosty woman glared at them and vanished. "Well, both of you are still alive, so I guess its time to spin the wheel again!" Katz grinned.

The Wheel of Random spun some more, but this time came to a stop on a green wedge with a picture of a Game Cube on it. Then a guy in a Luigi costume appeared, but it was pink and red instead of the usual green and blue. The strange guy's blue eyes sparkled merrily as he ducked down and began to build up energy. Finally, he unleashed it in a huge burst and shouted, "Flying Penis!"

Before anyone could say anything about the perversion of that battle cry, the crazy boy flew across the arena in a flaming, flying head-butt and smashed into Sesshomaru and Nightmare. The following explosion launched the two demons across the battlefield and slammed them into the dirt, but both of them managed to stagger to their feet as their attacker slowly vanished, shouting, "Oodles de boodles kept top the noodles!"

"What the fuck was that all about?" Sephiroth shouted, still staring bemusedly at the spot where the oddball once stood.

"Beats the hell out of me," Katz replied, spinning the wheel again.

The wheel came to a stop, and landed on a dark red wedge with a black dragon symbol. "Ooh, this one looks like a good one!" Muumuu cackled gleefully.

Then a burst of flame erupted out of the arena floor, and the fire demon Hiei appeared. "Who the fuck dragged me here, and give me one good reason why I shouldn't just tear their heart out!" he snarled, clearly angry over being dragged from his own world.

"Hey, don't have a fit!" Katz yelled, pointing at his two competitors. "Just use that dragon thingy on those two and you can go home!"

"Hn." Hiei removed the warded bandages from his right arm, and the black dragon tattoo writhed as he shouted, "Kokuryuu-ha!"

Suddenly, a huge dragon made entirely of black fire erupted from his arm and plowed into Nightmare and Sesshomaru! The little fire demon quickly reined in his dragon, but he disappeared before he could admire his handiwork. Then, the two severely burned and bruised demons got to their feet, and the wizard said, "Damn, I thought that thing would definitely kill them!"

…

About an hour later, Sesshomaru and Nightmare had been shot at by an old Mexican firing squad, mauled by a pack of rampaging Hell-Kittens, blasted by Goku's Kamehameha Wave, nibbled by a flock of ducks, beaten by an old lady with a walking stick, turned into ferrets and bounced around by Mad-Eye Moody. After all that failed, Katz had every heavy metal song ever recorded played directly into their brains in one ultra-compressed fifteen second burst, but even that failed to destroy one of them and end the match. "Damn, these two are a lot more resilient than I thought!" he cried, spinning the wheel one last time.

"Well, they ARE demons, after all," Vincent reminded him.

"Oh yeah…"

Finally, the Wheel of Random came to a stop on a yellow wedge with a red and white ball on it. "Oh shit! I was really hoping we didn't have to come to this, but now I guess there's no choice," Katz groaned, shuddering at the sheer horror of what was to come.

"Why? What's wrong?" Squall asked.

"It's…it's…"

Suddenly, a little yellow mouse-like creature popped up in the arena and looked up at Nightmare and Sesshomaru. "Pika?" it asked, cocking its head to one side.

"It's Pikachu," Katz sighed, as Nightmare started wailing in fear.

"AHHH! DON'T LET IT GET ME!" the dark knight shrieked, backing away from the happy-go-lucky critter.

Sesshomaru glared ominously at Pikachu when it showed signs of approach, so it changed course and ran at Nightmare, who screamed even louder and broke down in tears when it hugged his leg. "MOMMEEEEEE!" he sobbed, ineffectually trying to bat Pikachu away. "MOMMY MAKE IT GO AWAY!"

Everyone stared at the childlike knight in undisguised horror as he continued to howl in terror, and finally Kilik shouted, "Nightmare, just say that you give up and it'll vanish, I promise!"

"ALL RIGHT, I GIVE UP! JUST DON'T LET IT GET ME! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

As soon as the words were spoken, Pikachu disappeared and Katz moved everyone back into the arena. "Well, that was rather anti-climactic, wasn't it?"Cloud commented, as Kilik tried to comfort the still-sobbing Nightmare.

"Well, at least this psycho tournament's almost over,"Auron replied.

"Yeah, now we just have to find out whether I'm stuck marrying you or Fluffy," Muumuu replied, causing the guardian to flinch.

"I thought I told everyone to stop calling me that! Do you really think that a Demon Lord's threats are so empty that you can just choose to ignore them whenever you wish?"

"Yeah, and if you don't like it, then you can always just take it up with Mr. Mallet."

"Uh…never mind."

I don't own Wheel of Fortune, Shiva, Ivy, Sophitia,Goku, the Kamehameha Wave, Mad-Eye Moody, Pikachu, Hiei (damn), the Kokuryuu-ha (damn again), the heavy metal songs, or the guy in the pink and red Luigi costume. Actually, the last guy is a real person, and when we play "Super Smash Brothers Melee" he really does scream "Flying Penis" whenever he uses the flying head-butt attack, so THAT is actually one of the few things that didn't emerge from my sick and twisted imagination.


	21. Uhoh!

Thanks for the reviews! Now I have to add Cloud Strife's wifey to the list of wonderful people who take the time to read my fic. Well, its time for the last battle of the tournament, and the two finalists are Auron and Sesshomaru! Who will win? Why don't you continue reading and find out.

Chapter 21: Uh-oh!

After whimpering and whining for a while, Nightmare finally recovered from his terror of Pikachu's "assault". "So are Fluffy and Scarface supposed to be fighting to decide which one of them is gonna marry the scary lady?" he asked while dabbing at his eyes with a gigantic handkerchief.

"Yes, Nightmare, that's the idea, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop calling people names," Kilik sighed. "You and Mitsurugi have been picking up too many bad habits from Seifer and Kaiba, and it needs to stop."

"Oooookaaaaay…"

Suddenly, Yugi and Kaiba started screaming, and everyone quickly turned to see what was wrong. "Hey, what the hell is your problem?" Sephiroth demanded when he saw that the two duelists were unharmed.

"Our Elf Pox spots…they're black!" Yugi shrieked.

"I look like a fucking Dalmatian!" Kaiba yelled, staring down at his splotchy hands.

"That doesn't give you the right to scare the living shit out of us!" Muumuu griped. "Unless those stupid things burst and bright orange pus starts leaking out, I don't want to hear another goddamn thing about them!" Then she turned to Katz and hissed, "Get this fucking tournament over with already so I can get strapped down with one of these losers!"

"Hey, if you don't like us, then why the fuck did we have to do this?" Cloud demanded. "I mean, yeah, the battles WERE pretty funny, but there's no point in marrying you if all you're gonna do is badmouth us the whole time!"

"It's a political thing, isn't it?" Auron asked.

The bitchy princess sighed, and said, "Yeah, it is. The only men in this realm that my father approves of are all old, ugly, wimpy, or a combination of the three, and this tournament was the only way I could find someone from OutRealm that I might possibly like. Katz volunteered to host it because he knew how I felt about being forced into an arranged marriage, and except for Sesshomaru, I picked all of you in advance, based on how you acted in your own realms, but I really don't care for any of you."

"Wait! If you don't love any of us, then who DO you love?" Squall wanted to know.

"I didn't say I loved anyone!" she sputtered, her face turning as pink as her dress. "Shut up! That's none of your business!"

"Hey, if you didn't pick me, then why was I brought here?" asked Sesshomaru.

Katz chuckled sheepishly, and said, "Well, Bobo the Flying Monkey was supposed to bring a sixteenth person to even things out, but she kept messing things up and I just picked someone off the top of my head. Sorry about that."

"Whatever. Let's just hurry up and get this over with."

The wizard transported everyone, save Auron and Sesshomaru, into the stands, and Mitsurugi leaned over to Vincent, and in a loud conspiratorial whisper, said, "Ya know, I think that the scary lady really does like someone and is trying to keep it a secret, Uncle Vincent."

"Yeah, I know, but I'm not your damn uncle," the ex-Turk replied.

"Hey, I heard that!" Muumuu shouted, waving her giant mallet in a threatening manner.

Before she could pummel them senseless, Katz turned around and said, "Do you guys want to find out what kind of fight this last match is going to be, or do you just want to beat on each other all day?"

Everyone finally shut up, and the little mage made two feather pillows appear with a wave of his hand. "All right, your task for the final match will be to bludgeon each other with these pillows until one you is unable to battle."

Auron sighed disgustedly, while Sesshomaru growled, "This is really degrading!"

"Oh, and by the way, I've also equalized your strength, so neither one of you will have any advantage over the other," Katz told them when they finally stopped muttering to themselves.

Once the announcements were finished, the two unhappy fighters picked up their pillows, and the fight began. The demon and the guardian ducked, dodged, and whacked each other with their pillows, trying not to laugh when the fluffy objects honked like the geese that donated the feathers. The battle went on for quite some time, and their pillows were instantly replaced whenever one burst, so feathers were flying everywhere. Finally, the two of them stepped back from one another and gave each other measuring looks, hoping to find some kind of weakness to exploit.

"So…do you…give up?" Sesshomaru panted, exhausted by his exertions.

"No…I don't…do you?" Auron wheezed, equally tired.

The two warriors glared at each other for a few more moments, and then flung themselves at one another, swinging their pillows with reckless abandon. Suddenly, a huge burst of dark purple flame exploded out of the arena floor and tossed the both of them like a couple of rag dolls! Everyone stared in shock at the unexpected event, and Katz paled and said, "Oh no!"

"KATZ YANCY RIDDLE MCSPADDEN!" boomed a furious female voice.

At the sound of his full name, the wizard flinched and immediately teleported himself into the arena, taking everyone else with him. The smoke caused by the explosion dissipated, and Sylvia stood in its place, insane rage written in every line of her body. "Uh…hi Mother. You look well today," the mage quavered, fear clearly showing in his eyes.

The clawed and fanged "happy homemaker" backhanded her son across the face with her black paddle, cutting his lip and knocking him to the ground. "Don't you 'hi mother' me, you ungrateful little shit! I've been up all goddamn night worrying about you, and you've been here the whole time, haven't you, you little bastard!"

"But, Mother…the tournament…" he weakly began, spitting out blood, but shut up when she hit him again.

"I don't give a flying fuck about your stupid little tournament! You can just wave goodbye to all your little friends and that thieving little Barbie-Slut over there and march your ass back home!"

At this, Princess Muumuu's eyes flashed angrily, and she strode up to Sylvia and yelled, "Just who the fuck do you think you are, lady? Katz is thirty-five years old, a grown man, and can stay out late and do whatever the hell he wants! And where do you get off calling me a slut, huh? I am the Princess and Heir, and you have a lot of…"

Whatever Sylvia had a lot of was never discovered, because the psycho-woman grabbed the princess by the collar, and with inhuman strength, tossed her across the arena! Muumuu sailed quite a ways, but she finally stopped when she slammed into the wall and fell limply to the ground. "Who am I? Who am I?" Sylvia snarled, slowly approaching the semiconscious princess, "I am the Grand Duchess of the Ninth Circle of Hell, and the only being _I_ answer to is the Great King himself! The puny laws of the mortal realms do not bind me and I WILL KNOCK YOUR BITCH ASS DOWN IF YOU GET IN MY MOTHERFUCKING WAY! Katz is MY son, and I will do with him as I please!"

She now stood over Muumuu, and her paddle changed into a huge black sword. "Katz is my son, and I WILL NOT let some pink haired whore like you undermine my authority!"

Everyone watched the events with undisguised horror, and Sesshomaru said, "I had no idea that Sylvia was a demon!"

"Yeah, Mom learned how to mask her scent so that everyone would think that she was a human, but now I've fucked up bad and she's probably going to go on a murderous rampage," Katz sadly replied.

"Hey, why don't you stop her?" Cloud demanded.

"What?"

"Yeah!" Yugi chimed in, "You're the most powerful wizard any of us have ever seen, and besides, she's going to kill the princess!"

"But…"

"No buts! Do you or do you not love Princess Muumuu?" Auron asked, cutting off the wizard's argument.

"How do you know about…"

"That's not important now! Just answer the damn question!"

"YES! I LOVE MUUMUU! There, are you fucking satisfied?" Katz was quite angry and it showed. "I've loved her since the first time I saw her, but her father doesn't want her to marry some untitled wizard!"

"If you love her, then save her, goddamn it!" Vincent yelled. "And hurry up, because your psycho-bitch mother is about to kill her if you don't do something!"

Katz turned around and saw Sylvia kicking Muumuu around like a kickball, laughing maniacally all the while. "MOTHER, STOOOOOOOP!" he shrieked, his voice cracking.

She turned around and stared at her son. "What's the matter, baby?" she asked in a sickly sweet tone, "Don't you see that she's trying to tear our little family apart?"

The tiny wizard shook his head, and in a new voice, said, "No Mother, Muumuu was right. I'm a grown man and its time I started acting like one."

Katz's new voice somewhere in the same range as Sesshomaru's, which was much different compared to his usual nasal whine, and it startled everyone. Sylvia quickly snapped out of her startlement, however, and said, "Don't you sass me, you ungrateful fuck…"

He cut her off, yelling, "No, you're going to listen to me now, you miserable, bitchy old hag! I am sick and I am tired of you smothering me and treating me like shit! I am my own person, and while you may be my mother, you DO NOT have the right to control my life forever! I'm tired of all your hypocrisy, and I love Princess Muumuu! You wanted me to be a powerful evil wizard, and I will, because after I get rid of you, I'm going to marry the princess and take over the whole goddamn kingdom!"

"Woohoo!" Sephiroth joyfully cried. "And another one joins the Dark Side!"

"Go, Katz, go!" Nightmare cheered.

Suddenly, Sylvia's eyes narrowed, and a wave of dark purple fire rolled across her as she stepped away from the princess and slowly approached her son. "What did you say?" she asked, her voice dangerously soft.

"You heard me. You know, the only reason Dad left is because you were trying to do the same fucking thing to him, too! You tried to control him, but he wised up and ran off! Oh, how I wish to God that he had taken me with him!"

Katz glared at his mother, and she glared back, but now her eyes were the same color as her fire. "Oh really? I should have figured that you'd be just like your father. He was a powerful wizard, oh yes, but Albus Dumbledore would have swatted him like a fly if I hadn't showed him the Demon Crafts! Once he learned that, he abandoned me, just like you're abandoning me now, but you've fucked up and you'll fall just as he did. Only it won't be a little baby like it was for him, you gutless little skid-mark!"

Then Sylvia's human form vanished in the violet flames and in its place stood a horror. Now she was twenty feet tall, with a pair of curving ebony horns, black skin, huge bat-like wings, hoofed feet, and a skeletal face. Her body was cloaked in the amethyst fire, and her giant sword made Cloud's Ultima Weapon look like a toothpick! Sylvia the Demon Lady towered over her son, and in a guttural voice, roared, "DICKLESS LITTLE TRAITOR! I BROUGHT YOUR STUPID ASS INTO THIS WORLD AND NOW I'LL TAKE YOU OUT OF IT!"

As she continued to rant, the sky turned black, and blood-red clouds streaked across it at unnatural speeds. Lightning flashed and thunder rolled, and then Sephiroth neatly summed up their predicament. "Ho…lee…shit…"

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I left you all hanging, I know, but it's for a good cause…I just haven't thought of it yet. Anyway, review, but don't kill me, otherwise, you'll never find out what happens next! Oh, and I don't own Dumbledore, nor Katz's father, if any of you happen to remember who he is.


	22. Cutting the Apron Strings

As of the last chapter, Gladiator is my most reviewed fic yet! Thanks a lot, everyone! Yeah, I'm sure you all wanted to see whether it would be Auron or Sesshomaru ended up stuck with Muumuu, but I'm a big fan of both of them and I couldn't pick one without feeling guilty about the other one.

Chapter 22: Cutting the Apron Strings

Sylvia the Demon Lady glowered down at her rebellious son, and he glared back, his newfound courage still unwavering. "SO, YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOU CAN DEFEAT ME?" she roared as her purple flames expanded. "FOOL! I'LL RIP YOU TO PIECES AND THEN START ON ALL YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS!" Then she stopped and looked at Auron. "Except for you, dear, since…"

"I don't want to hear it, you crazy bitch!" he shouted, cutting off whatever lewd remark she was about to make. "Between you, those screaming fangirls and Seymour, I've heard enough perverted suggestions to last me the rest of my life, and…"

"Afterlife," Squall interrupted.

"What?"

"You're dead, so it would be your afterlife, wouldn't it?"

"Whatever! The point is that I'm tired of it, and I'm going back to the goddamned Farplane when all of this is done!"

"Hey, did he just say 'goddamn'?" Vincent asked Sephiroth, who was busily poking Sylvia's left knee.

The villain irritably waved his hand and said, "Yeah, now be quiet, I'm busy! Poke, poke, poke…"

Then the Grand Duchess of Hell let out an angry, ear-piercing shriek and bitch-slapped him with extreme prejudice. That, in turn, sent him crashing into Sesshomaru, and the two of them crashed into the nearby wall with a resounding crash. "FINE!" she bellowed, her voice going demonic again. "I TRIED TO BE NICE, BUT NOW I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU AND BE DONE WITH IT!"

Everyone ran away as Sylvia spat a great burst of amethyst flame, but due to their anti-infection barrier, Yugi and Kaiba couldn't get out of the way in time, and the two of them were quickly engulfed. "Oh no! Sephy, she just killed your new best friend!" Cloud shouted.

"What?" Sephiroth staggered to his feet and looked around. When he noticed the two burning bodies lying on the ground, he yelled, "Yugi! Oh God, what has that bitch done to you?"

Before he could do anything about it, though, an extremely pissed-off Sesshomaru shoved him aside, amber eyes flashing with rage. Without saying a word, the angry dog demon transformed into his true form and attacked Sylvia, attempting to rip her to pieces. Although Sesshomaru's true form was much larger than her own was, Sylvia didn't back down. Instead, she changed her sword into a giant rolled-up newspaper and promptly whacked him on the nose with it, causing him to yelp and howl with pain. "BAD DOG!" she roared, still bashing him with the paper. "BAD DOG, NO BISCUIT!"

Unable to withstand the assault any longer, Sesshomaru quickly changed back to his humanoid form and said, "Well, I'm all out of ideas. Does anyone else want to try something before she kills us all?"

Then Katz stepped forward and said, "I thought I told you guys that I would handle my mother!" Everyone else quickly backed away, and the wizard turned and glared at Sylvia. "You think that just because you've changed your form that I'll be afraid of you? Well, guess what? I've got a different form, too!"

The mage's eyes glowed neon green and he vanished in a flash of emerald fire. When it cleared, everyone stopped and stared at the newly transformed half-demon. Katz was still short, pudgy, and balding, but now his skin was a dark iron gray, his hair was silver and spiky, and his eyes were the same acid green as the aura that now surrounded his body. "Wow, he actually looks pretty cool!" Nightmare said, poking one of the wizard's hair spikes.

"I think he's scary!" Mitsurugi cried, cowering behind Kilik.

"Both of you just shut up and let the man take care of his business!" the monk shouted, losing patience with his insane charges' antics.

"DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOU CAN DEFEAT ME JUST BECAUSE YOU TRANSFORMED? DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH!" Sylvia snarled.

"I don't _think_ I can beat you, Mom, I _know_ I can!" Katz retorted.

With that, the wizard and his mother sent huge bursts of demon fire at one another, but both attacks crashed into one another and exploded. Katz peered searchingly into the oily black smoke, and then just barely managed to get out of the way when Sylvia brought her gigantic sword down in a crushing blow. He tumbled across the ground and quickly retaliated with several dagger-shaped bolts of green energy, but only one of them managed to score a direct hit, while a hastily created energy shield destroyed the rest of them. "LOUSY LITTLE FUCKER!" she roared as she manifested a whip of flame and lashed out at him with both it and the sword.

Katz managed to evade the sword, but the whip caught him around the ankle and dragged him off his feet. Sensing weakness, Sylvia moved in for a finishing blow, but the half-demon constructed a shield at the last moment and deflected the attack. As the two demons battled, everyone else watched and dodged stray energy bolts. When the Demon Lady pinned her son beneath his own shield, Vincent poked Sephiroth in the shoulder and said, "Hey, since Princess Muumuu is still alive, why don't you run over there and grab her before Sylvia accidentally steps on her."

"Fuck that bitchy Barbie doll! I'm gonna go see if Yugi's okay!" he replied, running to the smoking bodies of the two duelists.

"But he and Kaiba just got burnt to a crisp, you ninny-hammer!" the ex-Turk shouted.

"I guess _I'll_ go get her, then," Squall sighed, rolling his eyes with disgust.

As the SeeD commander trotted past, Sephiroth shook Yugi's blackened shoulder and whispered, "Yugi, please say you aren't dead!"

Suddenly, Kaiba twitched, then coughed, and Yugi sat bolt upright, causing the silver haired villain to shriek, "HOLY SHIT! YUGI AND KAIBA HAVE COME BACK AS ZOMBIES!"

"No, we're alive!" Yugi croaked, coughing as black soot crumbled and fell away from his body.

Keeping along the walls to avoid attracting Sylvia's attention while she continued her attempts to annihilate her wayward son, the rest of the group sidled along the wall to where Sephiroth and the newly revived duelists were sitting. "How is this possible?" Auron demanded as Kaiba and Yugi got to their feet. "The two of you should have been burnt to ashes!"

"Hey, look! Their Elf Pox spots are gone!" Cloud shouted, pointing at Kaiba's arm.

"Woohoo! I'm not infected anymore!" cheered the hacker.

"How did that happen?" Vincent wanted to know.

"Maybe Sylvia's demon fire, combined with that pink lotion's allergic reaction, killed the disease?" Sesshomaru suggested.

Before anyone could say anything else, Sylvia happened to notice them and she turned around and blasted them with a pulse of pure force. "FOOLS! DID YOU THINK THAT I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU?"

The Demon Lady stormed over and glowered down at them. "THANKS FOR GATHERING TOGETHER SO I CAN KILL YOU ALL IN ONE SHOT, YOU BASTARDS…" she cackled, but then stopped and counted them. "WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE THE HELL IS SQUALL?"

Then Sylvia let out a bellow of pain as the SeeD commander drove the blade of the Lionheart into the back of her leg. "Here I am, you psycho-bitch!" he shouted, and then ducked as Katz sent a salvo of energy bombs sailing over his head and into her face.

Blinded and in agony, Sylvia staggered backward and fell, nearly crushing the rest of the group, but they all managed to get out of the way in time. "Goddamn it, Katz! Why don't you let us get the hell out of here before your big-ass mother crushes us all?" Yugi yelled.

"I can't until I get rid of her, so just grab Muumuu and stay the hell out of my way!" the wizard replied, blasting Sylvia again as she struggled to her feet. "You like that, Mom? Huh? I may only be a half-demon, but I've got more than enough power to take care of you, you old hag!"

Squall got to his feet, picked up the princess, and hurried to the other side of the arena with the rest of the gang as Sylvia managed to get up and continue the battle with her son without her sword. "Damn! For someone so small, Muumuu sure could stand to lose a few pounds!" he panted, setting her on the ground.

Suddenly, the pink haired girl's eyes popped open, and Kilik said, "Um…Squall? I think she heard you, and…"

Whatever else the monk would have said went unheard as the princess whipped out her electric wand and proceeded to mercilessly beat the daylights out of her rescuer. "I'm not fat!" she screamed, but then stopped and stared at the battling demons. "Hey, who the fuck are they?"

"The little guy with the silver hair is Katz in his demon form, and the big ugly bitch is his mother," Auron replied.

"Really?"

"Yeah, and Katz finally admitted that he's in love with you and he's fighting Sylvia for you!" Nightmare grinned.

"Well…WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU HELPING HIM?" she yelled, nearly knocking them off their feet.

"He told us not to, and he threatened to turn us into Troll-Dolls if we did," Sephiroth lied.

Meanwhile, Sylvia had grown desperate, so she launched herself skyward and hovered above the arena. The Demon Lady waved her claws in a series of gestures, and then a huge ball of black and purple flame ignited and expanded until it was nearly the size of a school bus. "LETS SEE YOU STOP THIS, BOY!" she bellowed, launching the sphere down at them.

Just before the ball could slam into the floor and explode, Katz managed to get under it and halt its progress with his own burst of emerald energy. The already-black sky grew blacker, if that was possible, and bolts of crimson lightning streaked across the darkness, adding a touch of bloody light to the insane clash of violet and jade. The ground trembled violently under the pressure of all the energy in the area, and it seemed like the entire world would shake apart at any moment. "Oh God, we are so royally fucked!" Kaiba yelled, struggling to be heard over the howling of the wind.

"Don't you ever have anything positive to say?"Yugi shouted back.

No one replied, because at that moment, Katz summoned up a last burst of power, and as he shoved Sylvia's attack back in her face, he screamed, "Get out of my life, you hateful old bitch, do you hear me? GET OUT OF MY LIFE!"

Both attacks struck her, and caused a huge explosion of light, but no sound, for some odd reason, and everyone lost consciousness.

…

A little while later, a battered, bruised, and dust covered group awoke and saw that the arena was now a burned-out crater surrounded by rubble. Standing in the middle of the wreckage were Katz and Sylvia, but was normal again. Then, the Demon Lady dropped to her knees, coughed up some black blood, and wheezed, "I hope you're happy, son… You won, and now I'm going to die…"

She was trying to play the sympathy card, and Katz knew it. "Yeah, well you can just go back to Hell, then! I don't care anymore!"

Sylvia closed her eyes and smiled. "It took you forever, but it finally happened…you finally opened up your dark side." Suddenly, her body disintegrated in a burst of hellfire, but her last words echoed on the wind. "Son…I'm proud of you…"

After his mother vanished, Katz turned to Auron and Sesshomaru and said, "Well, the arena's gone, so we can't finish the tournament. I guess Muumuu will just have to pick one of you on her own."

"I already know who I'm going to marry," the princess said, her eyes shining.

"Really? Who?" he asked.

Instead of answering him, Muumuu glomped Katz and started kissing him passionately, which startled him so much, he popped back into his human form. It didn't take him long to get the idea, though, and soon he was kissing her back just as fervently "You know, I don't know whether I should be happy or pissed off!" Sesshomaru said, scratching his head in confusion.

"I don't care! I'm just happy this is over because that means I can go home!" Auron said.

Finally, Muumuu and Katz ended their passionate embrace, and they stared at each other with strange expressions on their faces. "Muumuu! I…I…" the wizard began, but she placed a finger against his lips to silence him.

"It's okay. The guys told me that you were in love with me, and I just want you to know that I love you, too!"

Before she could say anything else, however, King Dingaling's buffalo-drawn carriage dropped out of the sky, and the king quickly hopped out. "Muumuu, my darling daughter, what happened here?" he demanded.

"It's a long story…"

…

About an hour later, the princess told her father about everything that happened, from the crazy tournament battles to the final fight between Katz and Sylvia. "Father, I don't care what you think about untitled people; I love Katz and I'm going to marry him no matter what you say!"

"Okay, that's fine with me," Dingaling calmly replied.

"What? You aren't going to argue with me?"

"What for? Katz defeated the Grand Duchess of the Ninth Circle of Hell, so he's definitely capable of dealing with anything else."

"Well this is just great! You two can get married, and the rest of us can go home!" Kilik cheered, clearly ready to send Nightmare and Mitsurugi to therapy.

"No, you can't go yet!" Katz said.

"Why not?"

"Because…" the wizard grinned, "All of you have to stay for the wedding! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As the demon mage continued his maniacal laughter, Cloud sighed "A wedding? Oh God, he's more evil than I thought!"

Yeah, this chapter really sucked, but oh well! Writer's blocks are a pain in the ass, so just be happy for me, okay?


	23. Wedding Bells of Doom

BWAHAHAHA! Just when you all thought it was safe to come out of hiding, I go and write ANOTHER chapter! (Screams of anguish echo in the background) Actually, the chapter after this will be the final one, so don't get rid of your crash helmets just yet.

Chapter 23: Wedding Bells of Doom

Two months…yes, two WHOLE months later, almost all of the preparations for Katz and Muumuu's wedding were complete, and the day of the "happy" occasion finally arrived. "This really sucks!" Squall groaned, plucking at the sleeve of his newly transformed jacket. "I can't believe that those two decided that the colors for the wedding should be tangerine and hot pink!"

"Yeah, well at least you're wearing the tangerine instead of the pink!" Sesshomaru grumbled as he mournfully stared at his now lurid fluffy thing. (I don't know what it's really called, so sue me!)

The day before the wedding, Princess Muumuu decided that everyone who attended the wedding had to wear one of the two colors, or suffer a horrible death by as of yet unknown means. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, Auron, Vincent, Sesshomaru, Kilik, and Sephiroth were crammed into bright pink versions of their normal clothes, while Mitsurugi, Nightmare, Cloud, Squall, Yugi, and Kaiba wore an eye-blinding shade of orange. "Gee, this color really clashes with my hair, but it IS for a wedding, so I guess its okay," Yugi said, while Kaiba muttered about the little duelist's evil pointy hair under his breath.

Suddenly, Zell, who was now King Dingaling's chief entertainer, poked his head through the waiting room door, the bells on his pink and orange jester's hat jingling merrily. "Hey, Auron! The princess said you needed something!"

"What, did she say that I needed the last few shreds of my dignity erased?" the guardian snapped.

"Nope, this!" The bouncy SeeD held up what looked like a powder pink satin ribbon and grinned. "She said and I quote: 'Tell that grouchy motherfucker that he IS NOT wearing that raggedy-ass leather thong in his hair at my goddamn wedding!' Then she threw this thing at me and told me to bring it to you."

Auron's face darkened with barely-suppressed rage, but knowing that anger would do him no good, he just sighed, put the ribbon in his hair, and said, "None of this matters, I'm going back to the Farplane when this is over, and I can just forget all about everything that's happened recently."

Finally, everyone finished their various complaints, and they all accompanied Zell to the Great Hall, where the wedding was about to take place. The room wasn't as crowded as expected, due to Muumuu's flat-out refusal to cram the entire kingdom into the Great Hall just to watch her get married, but everyone that was in attendance was wearing the awful colors, and it looked absolutely disgusting. Once everyone was in place, King Dingaling, who was wearing orange and white, stood up and said, "Okay, everyone's here, so all we need now is the priest."

Just then, one of the Royal Advisers scurried over and said, "Uh…we don't have a priest, sire."

"WHAT? Why don't we have a fucking priest?" boomed the king. "My daughter can't get married without one, you dumbass!"

"Well…you DID have the last one put to death after he incited that riot, Your Majesty," the adviser whimpered.

"Oh yeah, I remember that! The fool told everyone that the world was going to end when a comet came by, and he tried to get everyone to put on Nike shoes and drink poison so they could 'go to Heaven'. He kept screaming about that until the executioner chopped off his head, if I remember correctly."

"Yes, well what will we do now, sire?"

"I could bring someone with God-connections in," Katz told them, "I just can't guarantee that they'll actually be a priest."

"Just bring whoever!" Muumuu sighed, clearly wanting to get things done in a hurry.

"All right, everyone stand back!" The tiny wizard rolled up his sleeves and raised his hands to the ceiling. "BIBBITEY, BOBBITEY, BOO!"

Suddenly, a huge silver wolf popped into being in front of the altar, and in the way of wolves, said, "One wants to know where one is."

"This one needs one's help," Katz replied in the same manner.

"Katz, why is there a wolf in the Great Hall?" Muumuu demanded. "I thought you were bringing in a priest?"

"He's not actually a wolf, love. In his real form, he's a seven thousand year-old sorcerer named Belgarath, and he's the first disciple of Aldur," he explained.

"A seven thousand year-old sorcerer…Katz, are you sure you haven't been drinking?" Sephiroth wanted to know.

"No, I swear that he's really Belgarath!"

Just then, the silver wolf changed into a slightly scruffy old man and glared at everyone. "All right, what's going on here?" he demanded, turning his gaze to the tiny mage.

"I'm getting married!" Muumuu announced rather imperiously.

"I can see that!" Belgarath took a long look around and winced at the overall garishness of the room. "Are you sure that you didn't get into Sadi's 'feel-good' box when you were planning this?"

"Who's Sadi?"

"Never mind." He turned his attention back to Katz. "You said you needed my help?"

"Yeah…" the wizard chuckled nervously, "You see, I'm supposed to marry the princess today, but we needed someone with God-connections to wed us, so the spell I cast brought you here."

"Couldn't you have just called in a priest? I was in the middle of something important, you know," Belgarath growled.

"He could have, but everyone in this kingdom is so fucked-up in the head that they would die if they ever tried to do anything normal," Vincent sighed.

"You know, you could always just ask whatever God you worship here to bless the wedding and cut out the middle-man," the old man replied

Kilik sadly shook his head. "Unfortunately, none of the resident deities would do it, because we're currently hosting a Demon Lord, a man possessed by a demon sword, a were-demon, a man with a God-complex, a zombie…"

"I'm not a zombie!" Auron shouted.

"…A boy with man-eating hair, and to top it all off, the groom is a half-demon sorcerer!" the monk finished, ignoring the guardian's protests.

"You people really have a serious problem, don't you?" he said.

"Yeah, so will you help us?" Yugi asked, looking hopeful.

"I guess, but let's make this quick." Belgarath struck an important-looking pose, and raised his hands over the two of them. "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"

Katz nodded, and the Eternal Man turned to Muumuu. "What about you? Do you take this man to be your husband?"

"Yeah, so are we married, or what?"

"Yes, you're married, so can I go home now?"

"Of course!" The half-demon wizard waved his hands, and Belgarath disappeared as mysteriously as he appeared.

"Hey, does this mean you're sending us back now?" Kaiba demanded.

"Nope."

"What do you mean 'no'? I've got a company to run, and I've been stuck in this hellhole long enough! Why can't we go home?"

"Look, just stay for the reception, and I promise I'll send you home afterward, okay?"

…

A little while later, the guests were seated at a long table, after having finished their meals, when Muumuu stood up and shouted, "Everybody shut up and let me make an announcement!"

When the room fell silent, the princess gave everyone an evil grin, and said, "Now that we're done with the food, it's time for a little 'fun'. Does anyone have a karaoke machine available?"

Nightmare jumped to his feet, and frantically waved his demon arm in the air. "Ooh! I do, I do! Pick me!"

Muumuu nodded, and the deranged knight ran to the far side of the room, reached down his pants, and somehow pulled out a big karaoke machine. "Please don't tell me you're gonna make us sing!" Cloud begged.

"Yep, you've got to sing, but don't worry, I won't make you go first."

Then Mitsurugi hopped out of his seat, ran to the machine, and screamed, "Let me go first, PLEEEEAAAASE!"

"No, I'm going first, 'cause it's my karaoke machine!" Nightmare replied.

Before the two childlike warriors could start another fight, Katz said, "Why don't you two just sing together, that way you'll both get to go first."

"Okay!" Nightmare quickly plugged in two microphones, and he and Mitsurugi began to sing off-key. "Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one, too!"

Their song finished, the two of them bowed, and then merrily skipped back to their chairs, while Kilik sighed, "Well, now that that's out of the way, who's going next?"

Muumuu gave the group a long, thoughtful look, sizing them all up, but finally said, "I guess we can make Squall go next, since he seems to think I'm fat!"

"I never said that!" he protested.

"No, but you implied it, so get your ass out there and sing!"

Cursing under his breath, the irate SeeD commander walked over to the karaoke machine, and growled, "What the hell am I supposed to sing?"

Katz flicked a finger, and a large stack of paper appeared. "Just pick a page, and the song on it should play automatically."

Squall shrugged, but grabbed one of the papers, and tapped his foot along with the beat as the song began. He followed along with the song for a couple of moments, and then finally sang,

Help me!

I broke apart my insides…

Help me!

I've got no soul to tell…

Help me!

The only thing that works for me…

Help me get away from myself.

I wanna fuck you like an animal…

Suddenly, Squall stopped singing and dropped the page he was holding, his expression one of sheer disgust. "I'm not singing that! That's just awful!" he shouted.

"You're such a prude!" Muumuu retorted as he returned to his seat. "All right, do we have any other volunteers, or will I have to force someone else to sing?"

Yugi quickly bolted out of his seat and ran over to the machine. "Yami and I have a song we've always wanted to try!" he said.

"Since when can you sing?" Kaiba demanded.

"Shut up and let him try!" Sephiroth yelled, waving the Masamune in a threatening manner.

The hacker glowered at both of them, but didn't say anything as the little duelist picked up the microphone and started his song. "War! Huh! Yeah!" shouted Yami, as Yugi sang back up.

What is it good for?

Absolutely nothing! Say it again, y'all!

War! Huh!

GOOD GOD!

What is it good for?

Absolutely nothing!

Everyone in the room stared in complete awe, as the two of them switched places to sing their respective parts. Finally, they finished their tune, and the silence was so heavy that it could practically be cut with a knife. "That was the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my entire life!" Sesshomaru exclaimed, breaking the silence.

"Okay…um…let's do another one," Katz said, his eyes still a little wild.

"Well, hurry it up already! We just want to go home!" Vincent shouted.

"Fine, then you, Cloud, and Sephiroth can sing the next song," the wizard replied, handing him three sheets of paper. "This will be the song you have to sing, since you want to be so damn impatient."

The ex-Turk let out a long-suffering sigh, but he and his two singing partners walked over to the karaoke machine and took their own copies of the song. Sephiroth quickly perused the lyrics, and then grinned wickedly at Cloud and said, "You and Vampire Boy can sing backup."

"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not a goddamn vampire!" Vincent shouted.

The One-Winged Angel ignored him however, as dramatic music welled out of the speaker, and he began to sing.

Estuans interious

Ira vehementi

Estuans interious

Ira vehementi

Estuans interious

Ira vehementi

Estuans interious

Ira vehementi

Then Cloud and Vincent rather unenthusiastically sang their part.

Sephiroth!

Sephiroth!

Still grinning, Sephiroth sang the next part.

Sors immanis

Et inanis

Sors immanis

Et inanis

Estuans interious

Ira vehementi

Estuans interious

Ira vehementi

"Hey, we'd better stop now, before Sephiroth gets the urge to try and summon Meteor again," Cloud said, instead of singing his part.

"Aw, come on! I've been a good boy the whole time we've been here!" the silver haired villain whined.

"You call trying to kill Katz and trap us in the arena being good?" Vincent wanted to know.

"Oh fine then, be that way! I don't have to stand here and be insulted, you know!"

"No, you could just leave and we can insult you behind your back."

Finally, Sephiroth stormed off, and Muumuu shook her head. "Well, let's bring on the next song."

…

The party finally ended around midnight, and all the guests went home, leaving Katz, Muumuu, and the others standing alone in the Great Hall. "So Katz…you're sending us home now, right?" Kilik asked. "I've really got to get back and take Nightmare and Mitsurugi to therapy."

"Aw, we still love you, Uncle Kilik!" the samurai said, hugging the monk.

"Nope, Katz can't send you home tonight!" Muumuu told them.

"Why not?" Auron demanded.

"He's going to be too busy tonight to work any magic," she replied with a wicked smile.

"Oh…"

"What's she talking about?" Yugi innocently asked.

"It means that she and Katz are gonna…" Cloud began, but shut up after Kilik whacked him on the head with Kali Yuga. "Hey, what'd you do that for?"

"Mitsurugi and Nightmare are bad enough without you trying to give them 'the talk' right here in front of God and everybody!" the monk scolded.

"It doesn't matter now, anyway, because the two of them just ran off," Squall sighed. "It looks like we're stuck here another night."

Okay, I don't own any of the songs played in this chapter. "Closer" (Squall's song) belongs to Nine Inch Nails, "War" (Yami and Yugi) belongs to Edwin Starr, the birthday song belongs to whoever invented it, and "One-Winged Angel" belongs to whoever created it for Final Fantasy 7.Also, I don't own Belgarath, Aldur, or Sadibecause theybelong to David Eddings!Anyway, the guys get to go home next chapter, so tune in again to see what kind of insanity may or may not occur.


	24. Homecomings

Well, here is the very last chapter of Gladiator!

Chapter 24: Homecomings

The next day, everyone stood out in the courtyard, waiting for Katz to appear and finally send them all back to their own worlds. "Zell, are you sure that you don't want to come home with me?" Squall asked his bouncy blond friend.

"Are you kidding? I get paid to goof off here, and I get all the hot dogs I want! I'm staying here forever, man!" Zell replied. "I would like it if you give my regards to the others, though."

The group waited in silence for another hour or so, and then Katz finally showed up, looking as if he had been up all night doing…stuff. "Did you have fun?" Sephiroth asked with an evil twinkle in his eye.

Suddenly, Princess Muumuu sneaked up on the One Winged Angel and whacked him with her giant mallet. "That's none of your goddamned business!" she shrieked.

Shaking his head, Sesshomaru asked, "Katz, we get to go back home today, right?"

"Yeah, the spell I'm casting will send everyone back to their respective worlds."

"What about all the time we spent here, won't we have to explain where we've been for the past two months?" Yugi wanted to know.

"No, you guys will appear to show up around three seconds after the arrival of anyone else I sent back, except for you, Auron, since there is no time in the Farplane," Katz explained.

"Whatever," the guardian replied. "Just send us back already!"

"All right!" Then the wizard's eyes filled with tears, and he said, "It's been fun, and I'll miss all you guys a lot!"

"Really?" Kilik was surprised.

"Yeah, yeah! Don't get all emotional!" Muumuu snapped, "Katz is an evil wizard now, and he'll probably go on a quest to conquer the universe before long, and you guys will have to come stop him or something stupid like that! Anyway, it's been real, but you're all starting to get on my nerves, so just go the fuck home already!"

Everyone split up into their respective groups, except for Squall, Auron, and Sesshomaru, since they were the only ones in their categories, and Katz raised his hands for one last spell. "SNOOTCHIE BOOTCHIES!" he roared, as bright yellow lightning flashed overhead.

When the light faded, the wizard's unwilling gladiators were gone, sent back to their own worlds, and a single tear rolled down his cheek. In an unusual display of affection, his bitchy wife drew him into a hug and said, "Don't worry; you'll see them again someday."

…

In the Gaea Crater, the members of the mercenary group, AVALANCHE, stood around in confusion, wondering what happened to their two friends and their arch-nemesis. Suddenly, a yellow light flashed, and Vincent appeared next to Cid. "Goddamn it, Vincent!" the foulmouthed captain yelled, dropping his just-lit joint. "Don't fucking do that! You know its surprises like that that got me smoking weed in the first place!"

"Where did those flying monkeys take you?" Red XIII asked, ignoring Cid's tirade.

"You don't want to know," the ex-Turk replied. Then, he pointed down into the crater, where Cloud and Sephiroth's battle had previously taken place. "Look!"

The two swordsmen stood there, only this time they were looking around in complete bewilderment. "Cloud, don't just stand there!" Tifa shouted, "Do something!"

Then the ground shook violently as Meteor drew closer to the planet, and the bartender slipped and somehow managed to give herself a black eye with her impossibly large breasts! "Oh shit!" Barret yelled, helping her to her feet. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Cloud, kill that stupid son of a bitch so we can get the hell out of here!"

Finally, the spiky-haired hero remembered what he was supposed to be doing, whipped out the Ultima Weapon, and plunged the crystalline blade straight through the still confused Sephiroth's chest. "Ha! I win, bitch!" he exulted as the silver haired villain coughed up a large amount of blood.

"Goddamn cheap shot making bastard!" Sephiroth croaked before disintegrating into a bunch of small greenish-white lights.

…

At the old orphanage in Centra, the Kramers sat with the rest of their SeeDs, worried about what happened to their missing comrades…except for Irvine. "I wouldn't worry about them too much," he told everyone. "They probably just realized that they're no match for my stunning good looks and…"

Suddenly, Squall fell out of thin (fat?) air and landed on the cowboy wanna-be, squashing him flat. "Woohoo, you're back!" Selphie shouted.

"Where in Hyne's name have you been?" Rinoa demanded.

"And where are Seifer and Zell?" Quistis added.

"Seifer's in Hell, and Zell got a job," the SeeD commander replied.

Everyone in the orphanage, except for the now-unconscious Irvine, stared at Squall with openmouthed looks of astonishment. "Zell got a job," Edea said.

"Yup."

"Our Zell: the blond haired, tattooed, hot dog scarfing, rubber ball on speed…HAS A JOB?" Selphie shrieked.

"Yes."

Everyone in the room danced around in sheer delight at the wonderful news, and Squall said, "Doesn't anyone care that Seifer got sent to Hell?"

"Oh, fuck that loudmouthed prick!" Cid snapped irritably. "The little bastard had it coming to him anyway."

…

In Domino City, Tristan, Mokuba, and Téa followed an extremely angry Joey around, while he muttered dire plots under his breath. "Do you think he'll be okay?" Té a asked, concerned for her friend's mental health.

"I really don't know," Tristan replied. "He was kidnapped by flying monkeys, and that can be a traumatic experience for anyone."

"I just hope that Yugi and Seto are okay!" Mokuba said.

Just then, a light flashed, and the two duelists appeared on the sidewalk in front of the worried group. "Hey, you're back!" Téa cheered, hugging both Yugi and Kaiba. "We're all so glad to see you!"

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Yugi said, staring at Joey with a look of undisguised horror.

Joey stood away from the rest of the group, glaring at Kaiba with a mad light in his eyes. His face twisted into a demented grin, and a thin stream of drool trickled down from one corner of his mouth as he said, "Kaiba, is that really you?"

"What the fuck do you want, Wheeler? Do you finally have rabies and need to be put down?" he asked belligerently.

Instead of answering, the blond duelist let out a terrible yell and rushed toward Kaiba, his fingers twisted up like claws. "DIIIIIIIEEEEEE!" he shrieked in his insane rage.

At the last minute, the hacker used his martial arts expertise and hurled Joey over his shoulder, but sadly, the lunatic landed in the street, where he was promptly run over by a bus. "Holy shit, you killed Joey!" Yami yelled, taking over a stunned Yugi and trying to comfort an inconsolable Téa.

"You heartless son of a bitch!" Tristan shouted.

"It was self-defense!" Kaiba protested. "The asshole attacked me, and I defended myself!"

"Yeah, well you'll have to tell it to the judge now, son," said a huge cop who looked like he should be in professional wrestling.

As the police hauled Seto Kaiba off to jail, Mokuba kicked a nearby Coke can at the now-dead Joey's head and sighed, "Goddamn it! It just sucks to be me!"

…

Auron reappeared in the Farplane and was surprised when he found it empty. "Where is everyone?" he wondered aloud, looking around at the unpopulated scenery.

"Where the fuck have you been?" demanded a familiar voice from behind.

Turning around, it was all the guardian could do to keep from falling over when he saw Jecht and Braska standing there in pink, blue, and yellow cheerleading outfits with the letters YRP emblazoned across the front. Suddenly, it became too much for Auron to stand, and fell to the ground, laughing like a maniac all the while. "Stop laughing!" Braska shouted, throwing one of his tri-colored pompoms at the swordsman.

"This ain't funny!" Jecht growled, but it only succeeded in making Auron laugh even harder.

Eventually, the guardian managed to regain his composure, and he gasped, "Why…are you…wearing that?"

Just then, St. Peter appeared and said, "Well, while you've been gone, we reincarnated Seymour as a shoopuf, and Yuna, Rikku, and Paine saved Spira from a big machina weapon called Vegnagun."

"Okay…what does that have to do with the outfits?"

"Well, YRP had to fight it here in the Farplane, and Braska and Jecht wanted to go cheer them on, so I made them wear those outfits, and they're pissed off because you were supposed to have to wear one, too, but you weren't here. I had to impersonate you, but it wasn't all that hard, really, since we were just talking to them and they couldn't actually see us."

"They couldn't see us?" Braska asked.

"Nope."

Jecht's face turned red. "Then…WHY IN BLOODY FLAMING FUCK DID WE HAVE TO WEAR THESE STUPID OUTFITS?"

Auron saw that the situation was deteriorating, so he decided to change the subject. "Jecht, where's the boy?"

"Who, Tidus?"

"No, Wakka…yes, Tidus, you idiot! I told Katz to send him back here, and that was the last time I saw him!"

"Oh, well, somehow he missed the Farplane and ended up back in Spira," St. Peter explained. "Last time I checked, he's supposed to be marrying Yuna or something like that."

"Oh…"

"Hey, Auron…" Braska began.

"Yeah?"

"Who's Katz?"

…

A bolt of yellow lightning flashed on a distant mountaintop, and Kilik, Nightmare, and Mitsurugi reappeared. "Woohoo, we're home!" the knight cheered.

"Yes, now we can go back to our normal lives," the monk replied. Then he stopped and stared at the samurai, who was bawling over a skinned knee. "Well…almost normal."

Eventually, Kilik managed to get Mitsurugi to stop crying, and then he finally realized that the three of them were not alone on their little mountaintop. Whipping around, the monk saw a tall, white haired woman in a purple dominatrix outfit standing behind them, a self-satisfied smirk on her cold features. "Yay, its Auntie Ivy!" Mitsurugi crowed, running to hug her.

She accepted the hug, and then said, "I finally did it, Kilik."

"Did what?"

"I found a cure to your 'nephews'' madness."

"Really? Then what is it?"

"I don't think it will matter now, though," she told him, her smile widening.

"Why?"

Ivy pointed to the valley behind him. "It won't matter because you have to go catch them again."

Kilik quickly turned around and saw that Nightmare and Mitsurugi had somehow gotten off the mountaintop and were running across the valley, giggling like the children they had become! "Goddamn it! It never gets any easier, does it?"

…

In feudal Japan, the little orphan girl named Rin stood beside her master's two-headed dragon-horse, still wondering where he could have gone, when he magically popped into existence. "Lord Sesshomaru!" she crowed, happy to see that he was unhurt. "Did you have a good trip?"

"Yes, Rin," he replied as he started to walk away. "It was…interesting, to say the least."

"What happened to Master Jaken? Why isn't he with you?"

"The little bastard failed in his duties too many times, and suffered the consequences. Now you can be my new vassal."

"Really? Oh, Lord Sesshomaru, that makes me so happy!"

…

Somewhere, in the dusky gloom of his castle, the "evil" wizard lurked, watching his former victims in his magic mirror. "Soon," he gloated, his half-demon eyes glowing in the darkness. "Soon, I shall wreak my evil havoc across the universe, and all of you will have no choice but to see me again! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…ack…"

The "evil" wizard suddenly choked, and had to reach for a glass of water to calm his fit of coughing. Once he recovered, he chuckled again, and said, "Soon, but for now, I think I'll go pay my wife a little visit!"

"Katz, quit making me wait and get your ass in here!" yelled Princess Muumuu.

"Yes, ma'am!"

That's all for Gladiator! I don't own the phrase "Snootchie Bootchies" nor do I own Coke cans, and while I like Tifa, her boobs are just too damn big! Anyway, I want to thank the Powers Above, my various evil muses (collectively known as The Neighbors), my brother James, the creators of the various characters I used, and most of all: you, the fans. I hope you all enjoyed this story, and that you'll continue to read the ones I write in the future!


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